Anger and a little insight from another blogger

We are all quite familiar with the 

Kubler Ross 5 Stages of Grief, right? I'm confused about the path I've taken. I feel like I've moved through all the stages except anger, which is supposed to be the second stage. But I think it's safe to say, I've finally made my way around to it. I'm so angry at people for pulling away when I need them the most. 

I was reading Amanda's post (she blogs at truegoodandbeautiful) on 'How TO support a loved one facing infertility' and she has such amazing insight. I was particularly struck by by this:

3. Asking us how they can help.

"This really takes boldness, and I really appreciate it when a friend asks this. Infertility is like being on the cross with Jesus. I am totally linked to him. I am well aware that we are asking a LOT of our friends and family to be near us in the struggle. It’s like when Jesus was on the cross - only Mary, John, and a few women stood nearby. It took tremendous amounts of courage to stay by Jesus on the cross and in turn, it takes a lot of courage to ask people to stand with us while we hang on the cross. Most people won’t have the emotional ability to stay with us, and I know that. But those willing to try and stick near us...I treasure with all my heart because they are far and few between."

Read her entire post here: How to support a loved one facing infertility

People often lack the emotional ability to stay with us. This captures in such a clear and simple way exactly what I've been struggling with-exactly what I've felt so angry about. I don't think I have the mental energy to say much more about it right now but I wanted to share it with you nonetheless. I do want to acknowledge that Amanda certainly seems to have a level of acceptance about this that I don't have right now... One day.

One easy way to make another's day

 

It's funny how God can use our greatest defects and turn them into something really beautiful. I'm definitely prone to selfishness (who isn't?) but I really really do struggle with this. I'm very sensitive, which can be both a gift and a curse. When I'm at my best, I'm adept at picking up on the needs and feelings of others and noticing what goes unnoticed by most, but when I'm at my worst I'm so focused on my own upset, my own needs and emotions that I don't see anyone else.

My sensitivity contributes to a strong capacity for self-reflection and introspection. I've been noticing lately how very desperate I feel for affirmation and approval. I literally feel like there's a bottomless pit of need within me, crying out for praise and validation. Even when I do get the accolades I think I'm craving, I rarely feel better. This need for affirmation is not bad in itself. God put this need within all of us and big needs as an adult almost always reflect unmet/inadequately met needs from childhood. This need for affirmation becomes a problem when it leads me to focus on myself instead of God and others. The past few weeks, I've definitely been guilty of this.

I was having a particularly desperate night on Sunday, when I went to pick up some take-out. The teenage boy at the register was very helpful but serious. I had a long list of things I did not want on my food and he went over the order backwards and forwards to make sure he had it right. He must have said something slightly wrong (which I didn't notice) because he apologized and said he was having an off day. I stepped outside of my own grumpiness and told him with a smile how thorough he was in making sure my order was right. He smiled shyly and it was easy to see how much the observation meant to him.

At work, I see a lot of people who are hurting deeply and they often present as angry and jaded. It can be easy to fall into doing the bare minimum with them, but today I pointed out to a client how happy her baby seems when he looks at her, and her abrasive scowl quickly became a beaming smile.

What's important about all of this, is that people just long to be seen- to be noticed. They don't even need praise most of the time. Simply noticing is enough. I'm going to commit myself to pointing out all the little positive- however seemingly trivial- things I notice about the people I meet.

What you can say instead of "everything happens for a reason"

"A response rarely makes something better. What makes something better is connection." The way to build connection is through empathy. Empathy is defined as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another," while sympathy is understood as "feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune."

"Everything happens for a reason" is neither empathetic nor sympathetic. The response misses the mark in terms of conveying any understanding and falls short of demonstrating sorrow for another's pain. Instead, it tries to rationalize someone else's pain.  To rationalize is to "attempt to explain or justify with logical, plausible reasons, even if these are not true or appropriate." In the world of mental health rationalization is viewed as a way of protecting the self against emotional pain. It serves a purpose, but ultimately does more harm than good because it prevents the person from confronting reality and working through the emotions that reality evokes.

Emotions are a form of energy and when they are acknowledged and felt they move through the body and mind, much like a wave they rise and fall. But when they are protected against through rationalization or another defense mechanism, they get trapped within the body and wreak havoc on our health- both physical and mental. The person carrying around unresolved anger (say over the death of a friend) may lash out at the store clerk for making some minor mistake or yell at his wife for cooking the wrong thing for dinner- such "expressions" of anger will never lead to feeling better because they are only a distraction from the real issue- from the true source of the person's emotion, which has been denied or rationalized.

When people say "everything happens for a reason" they're unknowingly suggesting we engage in something that is known to be psychologically harmful. They're also protecting themselves from having to empathize or 'experience with' the hurting person. Perhaps the other's pain is just too overwhelming and unbearable for them to face so they rationalize it away- warding off their own feelings of vulnerability and building a wall around their hearts to the suffering other's vulnerability.

Of course I'm not suggesting any of this is done intentionally, instead it's an automatic unconscious response learned over a lifetime. We can do better but we have to know better. And we have to be intentional about responding differently. The truly helpful response is empathic.

"Empathy is a person's attempt to understand and express the thoughts and feelings of another person" (Rogers, 1959). Here are some basics about how to convey empathy (right out of a textbook).

Lead in phrases:
It seems like you are...
It sounds like...
I get the feeling that you are...
You look...
You seem to be...

Identify the:
Want or desire-- what the other wanted or had hoped for "It sounds like you really wanted that job."

Feeling--sad, mad, happy, afraid, or other variations "you must be sad."

Both the wants and the feeling-- "It sounds like you wanted that job and are sad you didn't get it."

Accompanying behaviors:
voice tone
facial expression
posture and body movements can all convey empathy

Remember, the inclination to rationalize or ward off pain (our own or another's) is a learned behavior. It's taken years to develop and can take years to undo. It is possible to offer others connection instead of rationalization. By making an effort to notice the emotion behind what someone else is saying, we offer them an experience of feeling heard and understood in a way that is felt in the core of their being. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy points out, "we are born to need each other. The human brain is wired for close connection with a few irreplaceable others. Accepting your need for this special kind of emotional connection is not a sign of weakness, but maturity and strength."

"Everything happens for a reason:" Why this statement stings so much: Part 2

In Part I, I wrote about how "everything happens for a reason" cuts off connection. I'd like to reiterate that I'm not suggesting people intend harm when they use this phrase. People want to help, but again this isn't about intention. It's about the reality of what this phrase and others like it communicate to people when they're suffering. 

Reason 2: It's bad theology and nonsense psychology.

It is one thing to suggest that God allows suffering; it is quite another to insinuate that He causes it. The statement, "everything happens for a reason," implies that God is a puppet master causing this and that event "for a reason." It implies that God is "testing us" or "teaching us a lesson."

The Church herself names man as the author of sin. Man sins when he rejects God (Catholic Church 386). The Catechism clearly states that Satan acts in the world and his actions can cause grave injuries- both spiritual and physical. "It is a great mystery that providence should permit diabolical activity, but 'we know that in everything God works for the good with those who love" (Catholic Church 295). See??? It is a great mystery why God permits suffering and He can bring good from the most horrible circumstances. He can bring good from evil. He is not causing evil.

"For Christians, by contrast, the Creator of all things is a perfectly good, perfectly just,¹⁴ and perfectly loving Father. Suffering and death, and all the evils we experience in this life, have their origin in human sin against God our Father. From a Christian point of view, the finger that the atheist points at God, blaming Him for all the suffering we experience, or using our suffering as an argument against God’s existence, is man blaming God, for what man freely did in disobedience to God" (Cross 2009).

 Yes, there is some truth to "everything happens for a reason;" more often than not, the reason for suffering is the reality of living in a fallen world. Sickness and death exist because evil exists- not because God is willing them. 

Do you think God could ever will the abuse of helpless children? St. Paul tells us, "God is love;" abuse is certainly not a reflection of love, and so we know that God could not possibly be the author of it. If the ends never justify the means than God would not will evil in order to 'make us better people'. 

Parents may claim they are beating their children to teach them right from wrong and 'make them better people,' but this behavior is misguided at best- evil at worst. 

Many of the most severe emotional and behavioral problems (ie Borderline Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder) are directly linked to early caregiving experiences where the parent was both the source of the child's fear and the only hope of relief from that fear. I am no theologian, but I know we are called to love as Christ loved. I know that the above mentioned parenting style is not a reflection of Christ's love, and when we imply that God is causing suffering, we are asking others to accept a heavenly father that is the cause of their fear and their only hope for relief from that fear. 

Years of research in the field of psychology and child development tell us that severely abused children blame themselves for their suffering in order to survive emotionally. Even though their parents are the objective source of their pain, they internalize the hurt and come to see themselves, rather than their parents, as bad and evil. Children simply cannot live in a world where their seemingly omnipotent caregiver is the source of pain. It seems their minds are designed to automatically and unconsciously make sense of the experience of fright without solution by seeing themselves as the authors of their own suffering. 

The human mind is, of course, the work of God the Father. Modern psychology and neuroscience are just beginning to tap into the wonders of how this infinitely complex system functions. As Christians, we know that God usually works within the natural order of things. Natural law tells us there are certain things about human nature, which are immutable. It stands to reason then that God would not ask us to accept as truth something that fundamentally contradicts that which is an immutable part of our human nature. 

Just as small children cannot accept their parents as the source of their pain (even when this is indeed the case), adults are psychologically unable to accept their heavenly Father as the source of their suffering. When someone says "everything happens for a reason" and so suggests that God is causing some suffering for a purpose, the human mind is apt to reject the idea- if only on an unconscious level. We're left feeling confused, disorientated and unsatisfied, because we know on some level that God simply could not be the author of our pain. Depending on the state of our emotional and spiritual well-being, we may be able to consciously reject this most absurd suggestion, or we may feel we have no other choice than to convince ourselves of its truth. In the case of the latter, we are bound to become angry and rageful because we are trying to convince ourselves of a truth so out-of-sync with what is written on our hearts. 

Luckily, the Catholic Church, in all her wisdom teaches with clarity that God does not will our suffering. But for whatever reason, we've developed the bad habit of responding to suffering with "everything happens for a reason" and in doing so we are confusing others (and ourselves) about what the church actually teaches, as well as adding to the suffering of others by suggesting they accept all the psychological absurdities the statement implies.  

"Everything happens for a reason:" why this statement stings so much: Part I

I have a lot to say about what's wrong with this statement. Please know, this series is not meant as an attack on anyone that says it. I'm certainly guilty of saying it at one point or another. This series is intended to not only help people understand why not to say it, but also to shed some light on why it stings so much when we hear it. Many people feel a vague sense of sadness or anger when someone responds with "everything happens for a reason" but can't quite put their finger on why it hurts so much.

Reason 1: It shuts down connection.

"A platitude is a trite, meaningless, or prosaic statement, generally directed at quelling social, emotional, or cognitive unease. The word derives from plat, French word for "flat." Platitudes are geared towards presenting a shallow, unifying wisdom over a difficult topic. However, they are too overused and general to be anything more than undirected statements with ultimately little meaningful contribution towards a solution. Platitudes are generally a form of thought-terminating Cliche." -Wikipedia

"Thought-terminating." When I tell someone about our journey and they respond with "everything happens for a reason" they are shutting down the conversation. What does this phrase do other than communicate "everything will be fine" "you don't have a right to feel the way you feel" and "there, there, I have all the answers now just be quiet." This isn't about what their intentions might be. This is about the reality of what that phrase and others like it do to people who are suffering. And the big deal is- they cut off connection. They communicate that the listener is not interested in hearing more about your experience.





Sharing your pain means making yourself vulnerable and making yourself vulnerable means you are taking a risk. "Will I be heard?" "Is this relationship emotionally safe?" We can't know the answers until we try. And so we try. And try. And too often, instead of hearing something empathic from our loved ones like, "I see how much you're hurting right now" or simply, "tell me what's it like for you," we get shut-down/thought-terminated/kicked in the gut by a big fat platitude. 

In the mental health world we know that what is "sharable becomes bearable." The most painful experiences and emotions can be made manageable simply by being able to share them with a empathic person. When I reach out to others and am shut down by one of the above cliches I feel alone in my suffering. When I can share my pain with someone who truly listens, it quite literally allows me to create a place within my own soul where I can cry my heart out. I no longer have to shut down the emotions and the experience because they are made bearable by the empathic ear. 

Just like this amazing and brief YouTube clip explains, "A response rarely makes something better. What makes something better is connection." So please next time your loved one attempts to share their burdens with you, don't try to make it better with a response. Try to connect.

The trick is...

 

 



It's all too easy to get caught up waiting for the next big blessing. If I wasn't married, I'd be longing for marriage. If I didn't have a job that I loved, I'd be longing for that. It's easier said than done to enjoy the present moment, but I think I'm getting better at it. A wise friend once encouraged me to imagine I would wake up tomorrow with only what I thanked God for today. This exercise really helped put things into perspective for me. There is so much I have to be grateful for today and I want to enjoy those things while I have the chance. I know I'm not promised tomorrow.

Best books for adoptive parents

Maybe instead of working all day on my day-off I'll finally check out some adoption books at the library. I suppose I feel strangely avoidant of learning about the challenges of adoption. Maybe I'm not ready for more "challenge." For just a moment, I let myself think, "I just want to be normal. I just want to have a normal life. Why does everything involve so much effort?" And because I'm putting the mindfulness techniques I'm working on in therapy into practice, I won't dwell on the thought, but I notice it. I won't judge it. I won't beat myself for longing for something simpler. 

Things in life have never come easy for me. And maybe that's okay. I think I like where I am right now. And if I have to fight tooth and nail to bring our child home and give him or her the life they deserve, I think I'm okay with that. I notice that longing for normalcy, but I watch it drift away. I want this life- normal or not. 

Best Books for Adoptive Parents