Ups and Downs

As many of you know, we've been working really hard on all of our adoption stuff the past month. I have been a terrible blogging friend and haven't kept up with all of you. I've spent pretty much every second of my free time working on adoption stuff.

There have been many positives over the past month and several challenges as well. The distance between us and certain loved ones seems to be growing greater and it hurts me so much. I try so hard to pray about it but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. My therapist tells me I need to protect my own heart and stop spending so much time with people that for whatever reason aren't able to be supportive- not avoiding them just setting limits for myself.

All of the stress of not having the support we hoped for is doing a number on my mental health and spiritual well-being. I made it to daily mass 4 out 5 days last week which was a miracle but I feel so spiritually empty and disconnected. My anxiety has been out of control and I can barely sleep or eat.

Of course this is not to say that we have no support- quite the contrary actually. It's just that the absence of such significant relationships is felt all the more during these important life transitions. I know that unforgiveness can lead to all sorts of spiritual problems and I pray everyday for the grace to forgive. It is so confusing to know what forgiveness looks like when forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation/repair of the relationship.

I could really use your prayers right now. I am praying for you all even though I've been MIA.

Checking in...

I've been on a hiatus from the blogging world for the past couple of weeks. Life has been very busy and I will have lots to report when I get my act together- hopefully soon. The gist is, I had a grueling 2WW with too many pregnancy symptoms to bear and now terrible PMS related mood swings and anxiety. We have positive news on the adoption front. We are finally gaining some momentum in the process.

Right now my heart is hurting so much. I'm finding comfort in my journal and my prayer from about this same time last year:

Lord, help me to love you as love me. In the midst of such great uncertainty, help me to keep my eyes fixed on you- never denying the reality of the world around me but choosing to hope despite the reality of evil. Lead me to the truth. Hold me always- especially when I have lost sight of your face. Amen.

I've been holding you all close to my heart and praying for you constantly. <3

Today...

I'm loving everyone's 'Little Happies.' I'm feeling pretty down today so don't read any further if you're not up for a little melancholy.

I had my peak+4 ultrasound today. While I was in the waiting room, I let myself imagine the possibility that I ovulated and that I'd be returning in a month or so for an ultrasound of baby. I let myself imagine what it would feel like. Why the heck did I let myself go there? Well, I really thought I could have ovulated this month. My typical LUF pain didn't seem as bad as it normally does, but sure enough I had another LUF.

I let myself cry on the drive into work. I grieved the loss of another month gone by without the little one we long for. And now I just feel numb. I feel so cut off from the world. I feel so disinterested in everything. I don't like this.

This was my 3rd cycle using Neupogen and I'm hoping they'll adjust the treatment plan since I don't seem to be responding. Last month they though I "might" have ovulated but I'm thinking I didn't. Why would it work one month and not the next?

I called our adoption agency today to see where we are on the waiting list to do our home study. We our still 4th on the list. We were 4th on the list in November and they told us they thought it'd be 3 months but we haven't moved up at all!

They said they're seeing very few birth moms who don't already have an adoptive family identified. They're encouraging people to do an independent home study and identify their own birth mom. I do not feel up to this. I just can't imagine spending that much time thinking about it. I feel like I would lose my mind. I'm supposed to be talking to a social worker about it tomorrow to get a better idea about what it would involve. Anyone have any thoughts?

And then well, maybe it doesn't matter because the DH is still not going to mass. And I really don't want to move forward until he's got some faith. We're arguing because he says I 'pressure' him. I rarely bring it up but when we do talk about it I do emphasize that I believe faith is a choice. He says he's waiting until he "feels called," which infuriates me. He's cut himself off from the grace of the sacraments. He isn't going to feel called. Of course God can work miracles but he usually works within the natural order of things and he's made himself available to us. Ultimately, we have to choose him. Any feedback? Obviously, I'm praying for him and trying to be a good example and I swear I usually don't bring it up...

Anger and a little insight from another blogger

We are all quite familiar with the 

Kubler Ross 5 Stages of Grief, right? I'm confused about the path I've taken. I feel like I've moved through all the stages except anger, which is supposed to be the second stage. But I think it's safe to say, I've finally made my way around to it. I'm so angry at people for pulling away when I need them the most. 

I was reading Amanda's post (she blogs at truegoodandbeautiful) on 'How TO support a loved one facing infertility' and she has such amazing insight. I was particularly struck by by this:

3. Asking us how they can help.

"This really takes boldness, and I really appreciate it when a friend asks this. Infertility is like being on the cross with Jesus. I am totally linked to him. I am well aware that we are asking a LOT of our friends and family to be near us in the struggle. It’s like when Jesus was on the cross - only Mary, John, and a few women stood nearby. It took tremendous amounts of courage to stay by Jesus on the cross and in turn, it takes a lot of courage to ask people to stand with us while we hang on the cross. Most people won’t have the emotional ability to stay with us, and I know that. But those willing to try and stick near us...I treasure with all my heart because they are far and few between."

Read her entire post here: How to support a loved one facing infertility

People often lack the emotional ability to stay with us. This captures in such a clear and simple way exactly what I've been struggling with-exactly what I've felt so angry about. I don't think I have the mental energy to say much more about it right now but I wanted to share it with you nonetheless. I do want to acknowledge that Amanda certainly seems to have a level of acceptance about this that I don't have right now... One day.

Best books for adoptive parents

Maybe instead of working all day on my day-off I'll finally check out some adoption books at the library. I suppose I feel strangely avoidant of learning about the challenges of adoption. Maybe I'm not ready for more "challenge." For just a moment, I let myself think, "I just want to be normal. I just want to have a normal life. Why does everything involve so much effort?" And because I'm putting the mindfulness techniques I'm working on in therapy into practice, I won't dwell on the thought, but I notice it. I won't judge it. I won't beat myself for longing for something simpler. 

Things in life have never come easy for me. And maybe that's okay. I think I like where I am right now. And if I have to fight tooth and nail to bring our child home and give him or her the life they deserve, I think I'm okay with that. I notice that longing for normalcy, but I watch it drift away. I want this life- normal or not. 

Best Books for Adoptive Parents

A step in the right direction

My mom started reading a book our adoption agency recommended for extended family members: In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know. She says she's really enjoyed it so far and that she's learning a lot. She also bought a copy for my siblings to pass amongst themselves. I'm very grateful for the effort she is putting forth to learn how she can be helpful. The littlest things can make the biggest difference.

I haven't read the book myself, but if you're pursuing adoption my mom reccomends it for your extended family:).

And they have a website! In On Adoption.com

Adopt-A--Blogger (Thank you!)

I feel so blessed that the Holy Spirit led Blessed to Be to choose me as February's Adopt-A-Blogger! Just today, I realized how desperately in need of God's grace I am right now. I've been relying pretty heavily on my own power the past few months and it's left me quite bitter and broken. How quickly God answered my prayer for more grace, love and support!

My DH and I have been married 3 1/2 years. We were blessed enough to find the Creighton Model before we were married and my regular cycles led me to believe I was "super fertile" and would have no trouble getting pregnant so we delayed TTC so I could attend all my bests friends' weddings without having to worry about avoiding alcohol or fitting into my bridesmaids dresses. Yep, I was pretty clueless.

Fast-forward to our 1 year anniversary and we were ready to TTC. I quickly realized something wasn't right and aggressively pursued treatment. After being dismissed- even written off as "in need of a therapist" (which I already had:-))- by several doctors, I was referred to an amazing OBGYN. Only a couple weeks later,  he performed my first laparoscopy and diagnosed Stage 3 endometriosis. The diagnosis was a tremendous relief, but to our great disappointment, this surgery would not be enough to allow us to conceive. I've since had 5 more surgeries to treat severe endometriosis, endometritis and mild PCOS with the wonderful doctors at PPVI Institute. My most recent surgery was October 2013.

After much prayer, God has led us to begin the adoption process, even as we continue treatment for our infertility. We are currently on a waiting list to begin the home-study process and I started Neupogen shots to treat chronic LUFS this cycle.

Like so many of you, all I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. My DH wrote in his 6th grade assignment that he wanted to be "a dad" when he grew up. My heart aches with longing for the day that I'll be able to share the news that his lifelong dream has come true. For now, God has led me to counseling women in crisis pregnancies, and though I remain tremendously grateful for the opportunity to serve the Lord in this way, I yearn for the day where I can "raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of His glory in the world to come."

In addition to your prayers for the blessing of parenthood, prayers for our spiritual union as husband and wife are greatly needed! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. You will all be in mine as well. <3.

Misha's Story

As my posts suggest, I've been struggling in my relationship with Jesus lately. I've felt so distant, so numb. I've wrote a bit about letting God love us this past month, and for whatever reason in the past week, more details about a very important moment in my life came back to me. I've written about the moment God made it clear to me adoption was part of his plan for us. The story I heard on the radio that day was about a little boy in an orphanage- that was the main point, the biggest thing God was trying to communicate to me at that point (I thought). And so, as months and years have passed since that day, I lost track of what the story was actually about. But with all this talk I've been doing about letting God love us, it occurred to me that that story I heard so long ago, the one that had impacted me so much, had a little something to do with letting Jesus love us. I didn't remember the specifics, but I contacted the amazing people at Relevant Radio (with my vague description of the story) and they promptly sent me 'Misha's Story.' The little orphan who God used to help me see my own call to adoption, had yet another lesson to teach me...

MISHA’S STORY

In 1994, two Americans answered an invitation from the Russian Department of Education to teach Biblical morals and ethics in their public schools. They were invited to teach at prisons, businesses, fire and police departments, and then a large orphanage housing about a hundred boys and girls—and here’s that story:

“It was nearing the holiday season and time for the orphans to hear, for the first time, the traditional story of Christmas. We told them about Mary and Joseph arriving in Bethlehem, finding no room in the inn and going to a stable where the baby Jesus was born and placed in a manger.

“The children and orphanage staff listened in amazement. We gave the children three small pieces of cardboard to make a crude manger, and each child was given a small paper square, cut from yellow napkins that I had brought with me. No colored paper was available in the city.

“Following instructions, the children tore the paper and carefully laid strips in the manger for straw. Small squares of flannel, cut from a worn-out nightgown an American lady was throwing away as she left Russia, were used for the baby’s blanket. A doll-like baby was cut from tan felt that we had brought from the United States.

“I walked around to see if they needed any help, and I came to Misha. He looked about 6 years old, and in the little boy’s manger was not one, but two babies. I called the translator to ask him why there were two. Crossing his little arms in front of him, Misha repeated the story he had heard very seriously, and very accurately, until he came to the part where Mary put the baby Jesus in the manger—and then Misha started to ad-lib.

“He made up his own ending, and he said, ‘And as Maria laid the baby in the manger, Jesus looked at me and asked me if I had a place to stay. I told him I have no mamma and no papa, so I don’t have a place to stay. Then Jesus told me I could stay with him, but I told him I couldn’t because I didn’t have a gift to give him like everybody else did. But I wanted to stay with Jesus very much, so I thought about what I had that maybe I could use for a gift. I thought maybe, if I kept him warm, that would be a good gift.

“‘So I asked Jesus - if I keep you warm, will that be a good enough gift? And Jesus told me, ‘If you keep me warm, that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me.’ ‘So I got into the manger, and then Jesus looked at me and he told me that I could stay with him – always.’

“As little Misha finished his story, his eyes brimmed full of tears that splashed down his little cheeks. Putting his hand over his face, his head dropped to the table and his shoulders shook as he sobbed and sobbed. The little orphan had found someone who would never abandon or abuse him, someone who would stay with him – for always.

From Glen's Story Corner, Relevant Radio

It's the little things

This was in my inbox today:

"Dear --- and ---,

------ Services has approved your preliminary application for the Domestic Infant adoption program. ---- agrees that children need loving Christian homes, and thank you for your interest in adoption. Your $50 preliminary application fee has been paid and your name has been added to the waiting list for the Domestic Infant Program. We will notify you, once you are invited to proceed with the next step in the application process."

I know we have a long road ahead of us and I am just marveling in the miracle of this first step. I've been waiting 2 years for this day. My heart is so at peace. We are one stepper closer to holding our precious child in our arms.  

Miracles do happen

No I'm not pregnant but I am absolutely elated! After 27 months of infertility and 23 months since I asked my husband to consider adoption, he has finally agreed to submit our prelimiary application!   Nearly 13 months ago, I was recovering from my 2nd surgery to treat endometriosis (my 1st surgery with PPVI). The news we received was nothing short of devastating. Despite having had surgery only 8 months before, I had Stage IV endo along with PCOS and endometritis. Of course the doctors were telling us that with treatment they were hopeful we would be able to conceive, and my husband seemed convinced this would be the case.

All I could think about during this recovery was our child's birth mother. I felt an indescribable spiritual pull to pray for this woman that I didn't know- to pray for a situation no one else really believed was plausible. I had a few very holy friends who seemed to understand the depth of what I was experiencing, but many seemed to dismiss me with comments like, "it hasn't been that long. You don't need to think about adoption," or "maybe God just wants you to say yes to adoption and then he'll allow you to conceive." Ughhh. These comments hurt so deeply. So few people could understand. But this all made perfect sense to me. Many months earlier, I first received clarity about our call to adoption and now, in the midst of such bad news about my health, God was calling me, not to pray for healing or conception, but to pray for a woman I didn't know. This was the kind of thing that my spiritual director said has to be from the Holy Spirit. My simple and selfish mind could not be the origin of such a thought. I yearn to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I want to see my husband's face when I show him a positive pregnancy test. I want to know what it feels like to see your child for the first time on an ultrasound monitor. I want to delight in seeing my husband's traits in our children. I long for biological parenthood- this is true. But... I have an indescribable pull toward adoption- one that has been constant and unrelenting throughout 27 months of medical treatment.

I had been following the advice of many wise people in my life- to avoid "nagging" my husband about adoption- to trust that if God put adoption on my heart, He would work on my husband's heart as well. I've struggled these past 2 years to keep my mouth shut about it. We've had about 5 conversations about it. I admit, I was always the one to bring it up, but I tried to be discerning about it. Last night, I felt prompted to mention it gently, and my husband said we could submit our application! I talked to the agency today and they have a 2-6 month waiting list before we can even submit the official application and begin the home study process. This will be a long road but I am so excited about the possibilities that lay before us. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." And we've finally taken that step. Pray for us!

"Our own"

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

Reflections from January 2013: I just sat next to a married couple in their 50s on my flight home from Florida.  The woman shared with me that her daughter-in-law (due with their first grandchild this month) worked for Planned. Parenthood. Eeek.  I struggled to hide my horror.  Based solely on the fact that she did not cut-off all conversation with me I believe my poker-face is improving. PP is the largest "provider" of abortions in the country and since their founding in 1921, when they went by the name the American Birth Control League, they have worked tirelessly to systematically eliminate those that they view as "unfit," that is unfit to live.  Their eugenic roots are well documented and even their current executives exalt the work of their founder Margaret. Sanger.  Sanger used the terms "human weeds,' 'reckless breeders,' 'spawning... human beings who never should have been born," in reference to the poor, to immigrants, to African Americans and to Catholics.  She wrote in the Birth Control Review that the purpose of promoting birth control was "to create a race of thoroughbreds" (1921) and to achieve the ends of "more children from the fit, less from the unfit" (1919). (Learn more here: Planned Parenthood and Eugenics.)

As our conversation progressed, she shared that her daughter - not to be confused with aforementioned daughter-in-law- had been trying to conceive for over a year and that she had recently seen a reproductive endocrinologist. Per this woman's report, her daughter has PCOS and IVF was presented as the only solution.  At this point, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to share a bit about my own situation. "My husband and I have been struggling with infertility as well," I told her. "I actually just had surgery to treat endometriosis and PCOS. I was visiting family in Florida to cap off 6 weeks of post-surgery healing."

Not surprisingly this woman responded with the predictable well-meaning, yet ignorant, "Why don't you just do IVF?" I gently stated that because we are Catholic, IVF is not an option for us. I try not to say "we don't believe in IVF" because I think that can come across as if we don't believe it ever works or we don't believe it's real or we don't believe in science. When I say it's not an option, I know I run the risk of sounding rule-obsessed, but my hope is to be clear. This isn't based on some magical/illogical/irrational "belief." Our decision not to pursue IVF is based on an accurate understanding of human dignity and worth. My entire life is grounded in my understanding of the inherent worth and dignity of every human life. A belief can be wrong.  Facts are facts. Fact: Human life begins at conception. Fact: IVF leads to the destruction and disregard of newly created human lives. IVF is not an option because it is an assault on my way of being in the world. It is an assault on truth and beauty and human dignity. Just doing IVF would amount to just compromising intrinsic moral truths written on every human heart.

I don't have many- if any- readers so I am not afraid to be candid. I understand that someone who disagrees with me is likely to come across this post and to feel offended. I don't condemn anyone who has pursued IVF. I desire everyone to know the fullness of the truth and to experience the radiant light of God's love. I have made decisions inconsistent with the truth in the past. I will undoubtedly make mistakes again in the future. I do not claim to be "better" than anyone. I desire to walk in the light of truth and sometimes this means calling a lie a lie-even if it means others feelings will be hurt. It is my experience that most couples who choose IVF simply do not know there is another way. They don't know the reality of what takes place and they don't have an accurate understanding of what constitutes a human life.

But I digress... As my conversation with this woman continued I tried to steer the conversation away from a debate about IVF to a talk about the beauty of adoption. I told this perfect stranger that I felt very called to adoption and that my husband and I would be blessed to be able to grow our family this way. I could barely get the words out before she hit me with this doozy,"you and your husband are obviously very intelligent people. It would be a shame for you to not have your own."

Seriously?! Was I hearing this? This woman who considered herself "tolerant" was telling me that because I seemed intelligent it was all the more important to have biological children?! Not to mention the implication that adopted children would not be "mine." Do I judge this woman? Her heart? Her standing with God? No. I am not claiming to know the state of her soul so please don't condemn me for "judging." What I do know, however, is that each human life is as valuable as the next. Every child is unique and unrepeatable. God has a beautiful and brilliant plan for every soul. As far as I'm concerned genetic traits like skin color, athletic ability, and intelligence are trivial. They may contribute to your experience in the world but they have nothing to do with your worth. That's what this Planned Parenthood supporting, IVF-loving lady was missing, my husband and I may be intelligent but this doesn't point to the importance of having "our own," rather, our intellect gives us the capacity to know truth- the truth that all children are beautiful. All children are wanted. No children will ever be "ours," but all children belong to God.

Maybe you're wondering what my Planned Parenthood rant in the beginning has to do with all of this. Maybe you're not. Do you see the connection between PP's eugenic agenda and this woman's comments? I don't know that I can capture the link succinctly so I'll let you draw your own conclusions. For now, I pray for all children without loving homes. I pray for the unborn and for all women and couples facing difficult pregnancies. I pray for all birthmothers. I pray for our future child's birthmother. I pray that our country will one day uphold the value of all human life. I pray that the child destined to be "ours" through the blessing of adoption will not be aborted because someone at PP thinks her mother is not "intelligent" enough to have the right to procreate. Our Lady of Guadeloupe, Pray for us!

Through the darkness

Written February 2013 I prayed fervently on the drive to work this morning. I asked God to give me His strength. I told Him that I feel the aching reality of my humanity- of my limits. I am in the trenches and He seems to have withdrawn His consolation. The devil however, has reared his ugly head quite a bit lately.  

I received some particularly challenging news about my health this Tuesday.  I've been having quite a bit of pain along with other weird symptoms.  An ultrasound confirmed that I had 2 complex ovarian cysts and my ovary was enlarged to almost 3 times what it should be. I have a significant family history of ovarian cancer and the doctor was quick to inform me they would normally be quite concerned about cancer with something like this, but because I just had surgery it just can't be (apparently it doesn't grow that fast).  He did say that we need to repeat an ultrasound in 3 weeks and if things aren't looking better surgery will likely be necessary.  This would mean my 4th surgery within a year's time. I can honestly say that another surgery doesn't scare me all that much.  It would likely be a quick procedure and pale in comparison to the long long surgery I had in December.  What does scare me is that we will be in this state of limbo forever.  I had a knee-jerk reaction when he mentioned surgery. I told him to just "take everything" so we can be done with this and my husband will come to terms with the fact that we'll never have biological kids and we can finally move forward with adoption! 

Of course I didn't completely mean what I said.  If there is no medical reason necessitating the removal of "everything" then I would, of course, never pursue such a drastic procedure. The part I did mean was the part about adoption. I am so ready to adopt.  I feel like I have been ready to adopt my whole life.  Ever since I learned there were children without loving homes- and before I understood where babies came from- I reasoned that people shouldn't have anymore babies if there were babies without homes. I promise I was not a mini secular humanist, it was just my childlike mind trying to address the reality of suffering children. My husband is not opposed to adoption but is not ready to consider it at this time.  I have to respect where he is at.  I cannot pressure him to move forward with a life-changing decision he is not open to making.  God has put adoption on my heart and I have to trust that he will open my husband's heart to this miracle if it is His will for our family. It would however be "easier" if I could move the process along by "forcing" my husband to come to terms with our infertility- say through the dramatic loss of my reproductive system. There is just something so painful about ambiguity.  I grieve and then hope. Grieve and then hope. Grieve and hope. There never seems to be a moving forward- a moving beyond. 

And so this news from the doctor left me feeling pretty raw.  I was sad, discouraged and confused.  The rest of the day, for whatever reason, the raw hideousness and heart-wrenching evil of abortion was made clear to me multiple times throughout the day through various random and seemingly unrelated events.  It truly felt as though Satan was taunting me. The cruel irony of having my infertility weighing so heavy on me while also being bombarded by the cruel reality of "unwanted" babies being slaughtered.  I had already been feeling ill-equipped to serve the clients at my work since returning after my 6 week recovery.  I had been feeling brain-dead and incoherent.  Now I was feeling like God was allowing me to see in a profound way the dark reality of abortion.  He was allowing me to feel the weight of my cross, that of struggling with infertility and being surrounded by women who are pregnant with babies they don't want. 

I prayed fervently on the drive home from work today.  I told Him how tired I am.  I told Him how scared I am.  I told Him I just don't know if I can do it anymore.  


In many of the trials of life we are told by well-meaning people to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.  Infertility doesn't seem to be a situation where that kind of advice is helpful.  There is no "getting through" this because there may never be an "end" to this trial.  We may never become pregnant.  We may never know that we will never become pregnant.  We may never adopt. We may never know that we will never adopt. There is no amount of work we can do that can bring this dream to fruition and there is little reason to expect the ambiguity we wade through at this time will be miraculously parted like the Red Sea.  I just don't know but perhaps that's what God is asking of me now. To sit in the uncertainty, like He did in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying, "Father, if it be your will, let this cup pass from me."  Even though Christ knew he was called to suffer for humanity, He experienced ambiguity in the garden. He had to sit in the uncertainty of God's will, while his closest friends simply fell asleep. I have to believe that this unknowing- this being stuck in the land of uncertainty is part of a call to union with Christ. There's something a little bit easier about knowing what pain is coming your way- it's the anxiety associated with the unknown that I find the most debilitating. If Christ was called to suffer this anxiety, than why not me?  

Even the greatest works of art can look like a hot mess from the wrong angle

Today is our 3rd Anniversary. We are dealing with several very difficult issues- the evil one attacking our marriage in many ways- beyond infertility. I have been doubting, doubting, doubting God's plan for my life. Today, I spoke with a nurse practitioner at PPVI and learned that I had not one but 2 LUFs this cycle. This makes for at least 6 cycles of LUFs out of my 8 months post-surgery. The NP made it quite clear to me that this situation is quite "rare" even in the IF world and that the only treatments left to try cost thousands a month. I just wanted to share that I cried hysterically following my phone call with the NP but surprisingly even upon reflection, I don't think I cried out of sadness. Of course, there was some grief behind my tears, but more than anything, I think I cried from a place of awe, wonder and humility.

I've alluded to this before, but at the beginning of our IF journey God made it very clear to me we would be parents, first, through adoption. At this time our Reproductive Endocrinologist was telling us, I was healthy and we would conceive naturally within a year. I had every "rational" reason to be hopeful that we would soon be biological parents.

I told my spiritual director that I felt like I was getting so many signs from God about adoption, but I worried I was reading too much into things. He reminded me that God is always speaking to us but often our hearts are too hard to hear what he is saying. He encouraged me to be sensitive to the signs I was perceiving. Immediately following our meeting, I heard one of my favorite programs on our local Catholic radio station. Perhaps some of you have heard 'Glen's Story Corner' on Relevant Radio. I seldom get to hear it live because I'm usually at work when it airs. But this day was different. As I heard the usual intro tune, I quickly thanked God for the gift of hearing this delightful program that morning and said aloud, "this is my sign, if this is about parenting, infertility, anything... this is my sign... just let me know what our next steps are God." (Glen's story corner is a 2-3 minute program that tells parables that can be about literally anything). The story that day was about a little boy in an orphanage. I began to sob. God was telling me adoption was our next step, but it made no rational sense at the time.

Tonight I weep, because I am in awe of the perfect and beautiful "sense" God always makes. Today I got to experience the sensation of catching just a tiny glimpse of God's plan. Two years ago everyone thought I was crazy when I said adoption was the route for us. I see now with new clarity just why this is His plan for us and fall to my knees in wonder that He has revealed just a hint of the gorgeous masterpiece that is His plan for our lives. Thank you Jesus, for reminding me, again, that your plans are better than my dreams.