A 2 week wait

I had my peak+3 ultrasound today. I had 1.6 cm corpus luteum cyst on my right ovary and a 2.6 cm follicle on my left. Based on the presence of a corpus luteum the doctor thinks I ovulated!!!! This is a HUGE deal and a HUGE step in the right direction to overcoming luteinized unruptured follicle syndrome (LUFS).

I requested a phone consult with the doctor so I could bypass the game of telephone that seems to always lead to frustration and confusion on my end. I actually got to talk to the doctor today which was another miracle. I had questions about my lack of fertile cm and what this might mean for my estrogen levels.

She didn't seem very concerned and said the bigger issue is how your ovaries respond to the hormones not the actual levels- if I understood that correctly. She said the only way to increase the estrogen levels would be through Clomid or Femara, which she does not want me on because I was hyper-stimulated by a sub-therapeutic dose of Femara.

For the duration of this cycle I am supposed to take my usual progesterone shots. The follicle on the left ovary is causing me quite a bit of pain though she said it was not an LUF.

Next cycle she wants me to take an antibiotic to help with CM (I'm allergic to amoxicillin so she's putting me on ceclor).

I asked if I should use the Neupogen next month since I missed the window for it this go around and may have ovulated anyways. She thought I might as well use it since I have it already.

My thought is that if I can ovulate with a $20 medicine, I don't want to waste a $1,000 medicine. I feel so strongly that the Holy Spirit played a huge role in me having access to this medication and if it wasn't to get me to ovulate than it has to be for another good reason- like me being able to share it with someone else who needs it. So I'm going to try just the Cytotec again next month and see how it goes.

So now begins a real 2 week wait- treading the line between hope and realism. I normally medicate my anxiety by enjoying a nice cocktail with our neighbors. Now, I have to try to be healthy the next 2 weeks... I bought myself a frozen Chicago style deep dish pizza at the store to replace my cocktail as a treat:-).

Here's hoping...

Today...

I'm loving everyone's 'Little Happies.' I'm feeling pretty down today so don't read any further if you're not up for a little melancholy.

I had my peak+4 ultrasound today. While I was in the waiting room, I let myself imagine the possibility that I ovulated and that I'd be returning in a month or so for an ultrasound of baby. I let myself imagine what it would feel like. Why the heck did I let myself go there? Well, I really thought I could have ovulated this month. My typical LUF pain didn't seem as bad as it normally does, but sure enough I had another LUF.

I let myself cry on the drive into work. I grieved the loss of another month gone by without the little one we long for. And now I just feel numb. I feel so cut off from the world. I feel so disinterested in everything. I don't like this.

This was my 3rd cycle using Neupogen and I'm hoping they'll adjust the treatment plan since I don't seem to be responding. Last month they though I "might" have ovulated but I'm thinking I didn't. Why would it work one month and not the next?

I called our adoption agency today to see where we are on the waiting list to do our home study. We our still 4th on the list. We were 4th on the list in November and they told us they thought it'd be 3 months but we haven't moved up at all!

They said they're seeing very few birth moms who don't already have an adoptive family identified. They're encouraging people to do an independent home study and identify their own birth mom. I do not feel up to this. I just can't imagine spending that much time thinking about it. I feel like I would lose my mind. I'm supposed to be talking to a social worker about it tomorrow to get a better idea about what it would involve. Anyone have any thoughts?

And then well, maybe it doesn't matter because the DH is still not going to mass. And I really don't want to move forward until he's got some faith. We're arguing because he says I 'pressure' him. I rarely bring it up but when we do talk about it I do emphasize that I believe faith is a choice. He says he's waiting until he "feels called," which infuriates me. He's cut himself off from the grace of the sacraments. He isn't going to feel called. Of course God can work miracles but he usually works within the natural order of things and he's made himself available to us. Ultimately, we have to choose him. Any feedback? Obviously, I'm praying for him and trying to be a good example and I swear I usually don't bring it up...

Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS) Continued...

Yesterday I had my CD 8 ultrasound. I had 2 follicles measuring about 1.6 cm. Based on the doctors past instructions this meant I should take my Neupogen injection ASAP but they still like me to wait for the go-ahead from the doctor. The Neupogen needs to be refrigerated and I didn't want to have to bring it to work so I decided to stop at home after my ultrasound and just do the shot even though the doctor hadn't called me back. Well, boy am I glad I did that because they were closed yesterday! I wish they would have somehow notified their patients in advance! IF treatments require timely answers.

The interesting thing about my LUFS is that the follicular phase of my cycle seems to be very healthy (at least from what I can deduce). I grow health sized follicles without the help of any medications. In fact, when I was on (a sub-therapeutic dose) the doctor's said I was hyper-responsive and took me off of it.

My ultrasounds look great until after peak when the damn follicle fails to rupture and I develop a giant LUF. Blood draws usually indicate normal hormone levels for women with LUF. When I saw an RE she told me I was ovulating based on my bloodwork. She was wrong.

I don't know how LUFS affects mood and hormones that aren't typically tested for... my mood and energy level have been awful lately. I'm waiting on results from my adrenal labs. I hope if you've found this site via google and you have LUFS, you'll comment. There is so little known about the issue. I hope we can all connect and compare notes!!!

Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)

April 2014 Update: I ovulated with the help of Cytotec prescribed by PPVI. See my timeline for more information. 

I took my HCG trigger shot about 48 hours ago, 36 hours following my 2nd Neupogen injection. I won't be able to have an ultrasound until Thursday since we're out of town. It is becoming glaringly obvious that I have yet another LUF. The pain and discomfort are unmistakable.

I was first diagnosed with an LUF in October 2011, only a few months after we started TTC. My family practice doctor ordered an US and shockingly the radiologist identified the cyst on my ovary as an LUF (shocking because most medical professionals don't know what they are). My family practice doctor didn't have much input to offer (she'd never heard of them).

I did hours of research online and found very little information. I found a handful of medical journal articles but they were from as far back as the 1980s which told me not much research was being done on this issue anymore.

In December of 2011, we went to an Reproductive Endocrinologist for evaluation. I assumed they would easily be able to tell me whether or not I ovulated based on ultrasounds and blood work. Boy was I wrong. Apparently only the Napro ultrasound series does this. The RE was just making sure my hormones rose as they should and checking to see how many follicles I had in a given cycle. The trouble with LUFS is that hormones and ultrasounds usually look pretty normal- the problem doesn't occur until after the time of assumed ovulation so it commonly goes undetected.

When we met with RE to review our test results, she told me nothing was wrong. I showed her the stack of medical journal articles I had printed out. They talked about LUFS and said 80% of women with LUFS have endometriosis. She told me LUFS wasn't real.

I look back on that experience and I feel infuriated for the many women who seek this doctor's care (and so many other's like her) who don't know there are other options, who have to tolerate the status quo and never have the actual cause of their infertility identified.

I have never felt tempted to even consider IVF but my understanding is that IVF wouldn't even be an option for us since my eggs are never released. For some reason, I find that incredibly depressing that even using illicit means we'd never be able to have biological children. It just feels like a new level of hopelessness. Of course, the other way of looking at it is that we are beyond blessed by Napro- maybe even more than the average couple. Napro is literally the only means of treating this problem. No one else has a clue what to do.

During my research the most helpful page I found happened to be a fellow Catholic IF blogger's post. I have her permission to share it with you here:

Thursday, March 17, 2011

(LUFS) Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome


Dr. Hilgers is now using Neupogen to treat LUFS and is having success.

Anovulation in Disguise:
LUFS (Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome)
Trapped Egg Syndrome
Hemorrhagic Anovulatory Follicle Syndrome".

When I check my blog stats, I get many search hits for LUFS. The other day one of my readers asked me for more information on it so I decided to post it here. It took me two years before I was diagnosed with LUFS It is very tricky get a diagnosis because all the usual tests could come back normal. Most REs do not even look for it becuase they think they can bypass everything with IVF.


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What is it?


In Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome, the egg develops within the follicle quite normally and then the follicle turns into the corpus luteum. Even though all hormonal changes take place reasonably normally, the follicle never ruptures and the egg is never released from the ovary. The LH surge is responsible for "leuteinization." Failure to rupture does not mean failure make the transition from an estrogen producing follicle to a progesterone producing unruptured follicle (LUF).

Ovulation and luteinization can be mutually exclusive events. For example, drugs that suppress activity of cyclooxygenase prevent ovulation without affecting luteinization of the follicular wall or circulatory profiles of progesterone characteristic of an otherwise normal luteal phase; The "luteinized unruptured follicle syndrome" is due to a chronic follicular inflammatory response (ie., failure of PGF2a to terminate the preovulatory hyperemic reaction induced by proinflammatory agents, such as histamine).


Taken from http://www.uwyo.edu/wjm/repro/ovarian.htm


What about tests for ovulation?


Most drs check ovulation by measuring the hormones that are being produced during the menstrual cycle. They do not determine whether the actual release of the egg from the ovary has taken place. They make the assumption that if the hormones are being produced in proper amounts then ovulation has occurred. The hormones and the physical release are two separate acts. Since the hormones are being produced, the basal body temperature chart will show a rise; measurement of blood hormone levels will be "normal"; and if an endometrial biopsy is done, it will show that "ovulation" has taken place. However, the follicle will not rupture and there will not be any significant increase in fluid in the pelvis when an ultrasound is done.


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My personal experience:


I had a regular 28 cycle, with a positive opk every month that matched up with basal body temp charts. As far as I could tell I was ovulating every month. All my other tests came back normal. The RE labeled me as having unexplained infertility. I tried ovulation drugs for months and then moved on to the shots. I used ovidrel as a trigger. I always had a cyst the next cycle after. One of the nurses said that maybe I was not ovulating. I asked the RE. He said he was 100% sure I was ovulating because I was taking a trigger. I asked him to do an US after the trigger to prove it and he refused. I asked him why I had a cysts every single month and he said my cysts were due to POF.


Then I started Napro. When my dr looked at my Creighton charts and due to continued CM he said it is possible that I have LUFS. My napro Dr tracked my follicle growth with an US. I could see that follicle did not rupture. It would continue to grow past 20mm after I get my LH surge. I tried HCG triggers but they never worked. After I took the trigger, my follicle would actually grow larger. If I got blood work done, or use an OPK it still appeared that I ovulated, even though I know I did not.

I spent a year trying to find something to cure my LUFS. The only treatment available was to use a HCG trigger. I did this and it never made them rupture. When I realized that my only treatment option was not working, I spent hours on the internet researching and came across an article from Japan that uses G-CSF to treat LUFS. I tried to get my dr to give it to me. He was not comfortable since it raises your white blood cells. I went back to the internet and tried to find a dr who would. I came across a specialty known as Reproductive Immunology. I found a dr who uses G-csf in his practice. He ran some immune tests on me and found out that I have elevated natural killer cells. He said this can cause implantation failure and unruptured follicles. He told me to take fish oil and pycnogenol. He suggested I take Lupron as a trigger.


The first time I used the Lupron trigger it worked!!!! I could not believe it. The next month, I went in for my US and saw that my follicle had ruptured on its own before I even took the trigger.


It is frustrating becuase there has not been a lot of research on LUFS so most doctors are not aware. Of all the research I have done, I mostly found articles on horses. The only main article I found on humans was from Japan. Most Drs do not take the time to properly diagnose ovulation disorders and many women are labeled as unexplained. REs just want to bypass every problem with IVF. There seems to be a connection between LUFS and endometriosis. There is now some new research on treating both of these with immune treatments. Napro Technology Drs are also trained to identify and treat LUFS.

LUFS- Simone's Journey

Adopt-a-Blogger: Thank you!

 

February was an interesting month. I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers! It was so humbling to be chosen for such a HUGE gift. Thank you again, Stephanie, for supporting me so much in this blogging world and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide your heart as he did.  I look forward to praying for this month's Adopted blogger, though I think I should wait for Amy to announce her.

Allow me to share some of the blessings from the past month:

- DH and I are making some tremendous breakthroughs in our relationship. He actually asked me to think about how my actions support our connection or hurt it! Hello?! This is exactly how I've been trying to get him to think and the fact that he's using that language is great sign!

- I wrote My letter to baby post, which was very healing for both DH and I. DH never reads my blog but I read that post to him through many many tears. He listened attentively and said it was "good." And later he said he wished he knew how to respond better because he really wanted to connect with me in that moment. Again. This is not the way my DH talks. This is huge!!!

- I can feel the Lord working on my heart, helping me to see what I can change and can actually feel myself reacting differently when I get upset with my DH. (Can you say miracle?)

- We're on a trip with my husband's family (some of his cousins too). This morning all of the young adults (except me) opted not to go to mass with the parents but DH decided totally on his own to come with. He hasn't been with me to mass in over a year. I think he was just trying to be kind to me, but nonetheless, it's a huge step! He has avoided mass like the plague for so long now. I'm confident God is working on his heart. Oh, and the readings and homily could not have been more perfect! The priest talked for 15 minutes about the importance of confession and what a gift it is and how merciful our God is. Amen!

- We are now on our 2nd cycle using Neupogen and an HCG trigger. We won't know for a few days whether or not I ovulated but I'm hopeful. I was beyond worried about having to bring the medicine with me on this family trip since it has to be refrigerated and I had no idea what I'd do if I needed an ultrasound while we were away. But... I ovulated freakishly early this month and so didn't need to bring the refrigerated meds with me. Wohoo!

- I connected with Sew and she's given me a ton of help/direction about my thyroid issues. She did research for me and connected me with doctors in my area that she hopes will be able to better address my thyroid since T3 hasn't been working out so well lately.

I can't say enough how big of a miracle these little changes with my husband are. I know they are a result of all of your prayers. I am beyond grateful to you all. Praying for you now and always. <3

Update: March's Adopted Blogger is Amanda at truegoodandbeautiful.net

I look for you everywhere

Dear Baby,

You were so content riding in the cart at the grocery store. You kept looking at me and that now familiar sense of love and joy washed over me. You have your dad's eyes and long eyelashes. You have his sly, mischievous grin. Your calm, cheerful demeanor is your dad's too. Maybe you'll grow to be sensitive and determined like me. Maybe you'll be generous and thoughtful like your dad. Maybe you'll be freakishly picky about all things food like both of us. Maybe you'll have your dad's math skills and my reading skills (we can only hope it's not the other way around!).

But you're not in my cart, baby. You're in that other woman's cart. And those traits that remind me so much of my husband could have come from your mom for all I know. You're not mine. You're not my husbands. Why do I keep seeing you everywhere?

It's been 32 months since your dad and I opened our hearts to your arrival- 43 months since we've been married. You see we were worried in the beginning that we wouldn't have enough money to provide for you the way we wanted to. We worried that I wouldn't be able to stay home during the day and take care of you. Because of all our worries, we tried to avoid pregnancy those first 11 months of our marriage. Now we wonder if we hadn't of been so cautious and plan obsessed, would you be here today?

You see my dear baby, around the 11th month of our marriage, your dad did the math and said he thought it'd be okay if you arrived in nine months- that I'd be able to quit my job and spend my days taking care of you. My heart nearly jumped outside of my body with excitement. I went right over to my friend's house and told her you might be here soon! She was so excited to meet you too and told me what a good mom I was going to be.

I thought about how much fun you were going to have playing with all the kids in our neighborhood, how so many of them would be around your age. I thought about how I needed to take better care of myself to give you the healthiest start possible. I went to W.hole foods and bought the most expensive pre-natal vitamins I could find. I stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol. I ordered Dr. Sears' 'The Baby Book' and read all about pregnancy and childbirth. I even decided I would try to have a natural birth. I had always said I would have all the pain medication they could give me, but with the thought of your impending arrival, I had a new love in my heart- like nothing I had experienced before- and I thought for the first time, "I can handle the pain", because I so wanted you to have the very best start possible.

That month, I wondered a lot about whether or not you'd be making your debut soon. I googled every little thing I noticed going on with my body and without fail- every time-  I found at least 10 sites or message boards that said A B or C was an early pregnancy symptom! My anticipation only grew greater!

On a hot July day, I drove to W.algreens in a flurry, and awkwardly bought my first pregnancy test. I remember feeling worried about what people would think- if they could see I was married or if they thought poorly of me. I don't really know why I was so worried about other people, I guess was still a little immature.

I got home and ripped open the package with an indescribable euphoria. So many thoughts raced through my head. "How would I tell your dad?" "Did I still have time to go to his favorite bakery and buy a special cake with the announcement written on it?" "How long did I need to wait to tell everybody else?" "Crap, I think I did have some alcohol in the past 2 weeks, could I have hurt you?"

I followed the instructions and waited a few minutes to read the result. Only one line. That meant 'not pregnant.' But it just couldn't be right! What about all that stuff I read online? I threw the test in the trash and took another one. Same result. "Maybe it just takes longer than it says," I thought as I pulled the first test out of the trash to see if the result had changed. There was a faint line. I could swear. I quickly began googling and all the message boards said 'Congratulations! I had a faint line and my son/daughter was born 9 months later.'

But it only took a day or two for my hopes to be shattered- my period had arrived. I let a month or two more pass before I called our fertility care practitioner (the lady trained to read the charts of my cycles and see if anything problematic might be going on). She said it was normal for things to take a few months and recommended a couple supplements, which I purchased immediately. At the end of that month I knew something was wrong and went to my doctor.

I don't want to bore you with all the details, my dear baby. The doctor thought a few things might be off and gave me some medicine she thought would help. When it didn't help your dad and I argued about what to do next. Your dad was really worried that my doctor was missing something. He thought that if we could just find that missing puzzle piece, you'd be here any day.

We went to see a specialist who does many things that aren't in line with our beliefs. She was supposed to be the best. We thought we could get her help with finding out what was taking you so long and then go to a Christian doctor for treatment. We could never bare the thought of having you frozen and graded and treated like a product. You mean too much. I spent that month getting poked and prodded nearly every day. I hated all the examinations but I wanted answers. I wanted you in my arms. So I asked them for more tests. I knew there was a problem. They'd find it. We'd fix it. And you'd be here.

We met with the doctor in January and she told me in no uncertain terms there was nothing preventing your arrival. She said you'd be here within the year. And then she offered us chemicals if we wanted to "hasten your arrival." I wanted you here pronto, but what she was saying made no sense to me. I knew in my soul she had to be wrong. I started to cry. She clearly thought I was silly and told me to go see a therapist. I told her I knew there was something keeping you away. She said it just wasn't so. We left- your dad with renewed optimism- and me with a broken heart.

You weren't here and I knew there was a reason. I went back to my other doctor. I kept asking for more tests. Eventually, my persistence paid off and the doctor realized I might have endometriosis. She sent me to a surgeon who agreed. I was so excited we were closer to an answer! I knew you'd be here soon now. I lamented to the surgeon that I just didn't know what I'd do if I didn't have endometriosis because I just had to know what was holding you back.

Surgery was only a couple weeks later and your dad sat with your grandma in the waiting room. He would never admit it, but your grandma said he was really scared. Your dad really loves me and he thinks he needs to hide his feelings to be strong for me. The surgeon came out and told your dad he had never seen so much endometriosis in someone so young. As soon as I woke up, I asked what they found and when we could again open our hearts to your arrival. The doctor said we need only delay a couple of weeks.

Six months went by and still no you. I wrote a letter to a doctor far away to see what he thought. I found out I would need another surgery. I wasn't scared because I just wanted to meet you. But then I needed 4 more surgeries. And I started to get scared. I began to fear the pain. I began to fear what might happen to me. I wondered if I'd die of complications from the anesthesia. There were days I could barely move I was in so much pain. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at the doctors for not giving me enough medicine. I was angry at your dad- for just trying his best to help me. I was angry at every pregnant woman I saw for having what I couldn't. During this very dark time, I found it especially difficult to pray. I tried to make a habit of asking Mother Mary to pray for me every time I walked past her statue in our living room. It was during the most painful period of my recovery that I walked passed Our Lady and I heard you cry out to me, "keep fighting for me, mommy."

How could I give up now? Every month I stick myself with needles and let strangers prod me with strange devices. I miss hours- sometimes days of work- to do seemingly trivial things the doctors tell me will help you get here.

Most of my days are spent fighting for your classmates. I don't know how to tell you this, but there are some mommies and daddies who don't think there children should be born. Even when they're already on their way, the mommies and daddies think about hurting their babies. I feel sad when I hear their reasons because a lot of them sound like the reasons we avoided welcoming you into our hearts. But I swear to you, baby, we would never hurt you. Most of the time, I feel powerless to help you get here. But Our heavenly Father has given me a little bit of influence when it comes to your friends' arrivals. When I talk to these pregnant women, I wonder if they aren't carrying your future spouse. I wonder if they aren't thinking about ending the life of your best friend or teammate. A lot of the time I want to tell them, "you will never regret your child's life! But if you end their life, you will forever regret the hole in your heart only this baby can fill." I'm not allowed to say those things though. So I try to listen.

And a lot of the time, I hear your voice, "keep fighting for me mommy." And because I know you will care about your peers, I know you want me to fight for them. And even though I have no more say in when you get here, I can fight for you. I can love the mommies and daddies I meet and help them to love the babies they haven't yet met. I can see you in their eyes and in the eyes of the babies I meet. I will keep fighting. I will keep loving. I am already your mommy. I care my sweet baby. I care. Even if I can't show it in the way I want to. I care. And I will answer our heavenly Father's call. Maybe you know when you'll get here. Maybe you don't. Could you pray for me? I am praying for you. I am holding you in my heart. I am seeing you everywhere. I love you.

"I look for you everywhere the stars, the trees, the whispers in the wind the reflections in the water the sunrising and sunset. And I will keep looking."

Opinions needed!

I had my CD 4 ultrasound today. It is intended to make sure my LUFs from the previous cycle have resolved before I take any other fertility drugs. As usual (thank God! and progesterone!) the LUF from last cycle is gone. However, I have over 13 follicles already and 2 are already over 1 centimeter. The US technician was surprised I wasn't on Clomid based on how stimulated my ovaries looked. Does anyone know what to make of this??? (FYI I had wedge resection for PCOS in 2012). My doctor is likely swamped with more urgent things and hasn't told me what to make of the US and cycle review yet. I worry about what this means for the quality of ovulation and if PCOS is back with a vengeance. 

Through the darkness

Written February 2013 I prayed fervently on the drive to work this morning. I asked God to give me His strength. I told Him that I feel the aching reality of my humanity- of my limits. I am in the trenches and He seems to have withdrawn His consolation. The devil however, has reared his ugly head quite a bit lately.  

I received some particularly challenging news about my health this Tuesday.  I've been having quite a bit of pain along with other weird symptoms.  An ultrasound confirmed that I had 2 complex ovarian cysts and my ovary was enlarged to almost 3 times what it should be. I have a significant family history of ovarian cancer and the doctor was quick to inform me they would normally be quite concerned about cancer with something like this, but because I just had surgery it just can't be (apparently it doesn't grow that fast).  He did say that we need to repeat an ultrasound in 3 weeks and if things aren't looking better surgery will likely be necessary.  This would mean my 4th surgery within a year's time. I can honestly say that another surgery doesn't scare me all that much.  It would likely be a quick procedure and pale in comparison to the long long surgery I had in December.  What does scare me is that we will be in this state of limbo forever.  I had a knee-jerk reaction when he mentioned surgery. I told him to just "take everything" so we can be done with this and my husband will come to terms with the fact that we'll never have biological kids and we can finally move forward with adoption! 

Of course I didn't completely mean what I said.  If there is no medical reason necessitating the removal of "everything" then I would, of course, never pursue such a drastic procedure. The part I did mean was the part about adoption. I am so ready to adopt.  I feel like I have been ready to adopt my whole life.  Ever since I learned there were children without loving homes- and before I understood where babies came from- I reasoned that people shouldn't have anymore babies if there were babies without homes. I promise I was not a mini secular humanist, it was just my childlike mind trying to address the reality of suffering children. My husband is not opposed to adoption but is not ready to consider it at this time.  I have to respect where he is at.  I cannot pressure him to move forward with a life-changing decision he is not open to making.  God has put adoption on my heart and I have to trust that he will open my husband's heart to this miracle if it is His will for our family. It would however be "easier" if I could move the process along by "forcing" my husband to come to terms with our infertility- say through the dramatic loss of my reproductive system. There is just something so painful about ambiguity.  I grieve and then hope. Grieve and then hope. Grieve and hope. There never seems to be a moving forward- a moving beyond. 

And so this news from the doctor left me feeling pretty raw.  I was sad, discouraged and confused.  The rest of the day, for whatever reason, the raw hideousness and heart-wrenching evil of abortion was made clear to me multiple times throughout the day through various random and seemingly unrelated events.  It truly felt as though Satan was taunting me. The cruel irony of having my infertility weighing so heavy on me while also being bombarded by the cruel reality of "unwanted" babies being slaughtered.  I had already been feeling ill-equipped to serve the clients at my work since returning after my 6 week recovery.  I had been feeling brain-dead and incoherent.  Now I was feeling like God was allowing me to see in a profound way the dark reality of abortion.  He was allowing me to feel the weight of my cross, that of struggling with infertility and being surrounded by women who are pregnant with babies they don't want. 

I prayed fervently on the drive home from work today.  I told Him how tired I am.  I told Him how scared I am.  I told Him I just don't know if I can do it anymore.  


In many of the trials of life we are told by well-meaning people to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.  Infertility doesn't seem to be a situation where that kind of advice is helpful.  There is no "getting through" this because there may never be an "end" to this trial.  We may never become pregnant.  We may never know that we will never become pregnant.  We may never adopt. We may never know that we will never adopt. There is no amount of work we can do that can bring this dream to fruition and there is little reason to expect the ambiguity we wade through at this time will be miraculously parted like the Red Sea.  I just don't know but perhaps that's what God is asking of me now. To sit in the uncertainty, like He did in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying, "Father, if it be your will, let this cup pass from me."  Even though Christ knew he was called to suffer for humanity, He experienced ambiguity in the garden. He had to sit in the uncertainty of God's will, while his closest friends simply fell asleep. I have to believe that this unknowing- this being stuck in the land of uncertainty is part of a call to union with Christ. There's something a little bit easier about knowing what pain is coming your way- it's the anxiety associated with the unknown that I find the most debilitating. If Christ was called to suffer this anxiety, than why not me?  

Even the greatest works of art can look like a hot mess from the wrong angle

Today is our 3rd Anniversary. We are dealing with several very difficult issues- the evil one attacking our marriage in many ways- beyond infertility. I have been doubting, doubting, doubting God's plan for my life. Today, I spoke with a nurse practitioner at PPVI and learned that I had not one but 2 LUFs this cycle. This makes for at least 6 cycles of LUFs out of my 8 months post-surgery. The NP made it quite clear to me that this situation is quite "rare" even in the IF world and that the only treatments left to try cost thousands a month. I just wanted to share that I cried hysterically following my phone call with the NP but surprisingly even upon reflection, I don't think I cried out of sadness. Of course, there was some grief behind my tears, but more than anything, I think I cried from a place of awe, wonder and humility.

I've alluded to this before, but at the beginning of our IF journey God made it very clear to me we would be parents, first, through adoption. At this time our Reproductive Endocrinologist was telling us, I was healthy and we would conceive naturally within a year. I had every "rational" reason to be hopeful that we would soon be biological parents.

I told my spiritual director that I felt like I was getting so many signs from God about adoption, but I worried I was reading too much into things. He reminded me that God is always speaking to us but often our hearts are too hard to hear what he is saying. He encouraged me to be sensitive to the signs I was perceiving. Immediately following our meeting, I heard one of my favorite programs on our local Catholic radio station. Perhaps some of you have heard 'Glen's Story Corner' on Relevant Radio. I seldom get to hear it live because I'm usually at work when it airs. But this day was different. As I heard the usual intro tune, I quickly thanked God for the gift of hearing this delightful program that morning and said aloud, "this is my sign, if this is about parenting, infertility, anything... this is my sign... just let me know what our next steps are God." (Glen's story corner is a 2-3 minute program that tells parables that can be about literally anything). The story that day was about a little boy in an orphanage. I began to sob. God was telling me adoption was our next step, but it made no rational sense at the time.

Tonight I weep, because I am in awe of the perfect and beautiful "sense" God always makes. Today I got to experience the sensation of catching just a tiny glimpse of God's plan. Two years ago everyone thought I was crazy when I said adoption was the route for us. I see now with new clarity just why this is His plan for us and fall to my knees in wonder that He has revealed just a hint of the gorgeous masterpiece that is His plan for our lives. Thank you Jesus, for reminding me, again, that your plans are better than my dreams.