My first 'Little Happies'

--one--

 Marshmallow Peeps: I reaped the benefits of our secular culture's disregard for the liturgical calendar. Easter Monday all the Easter stuff was 30% off at T.arget but I knew it wouldn't be long before it was marked down even more. Yesterday, I stocked up on plastic Easter eggs for our one-day children at 8 cents a bag and Peeps for 90% off! I got Easter baskets for our favorite neighbor kids and Goddaughter. I saved tons of money and got to teach them that the celebration of Easter doesn't end on Easter Sunday. I am seriously obsessed with these Marshmallow Peeps. Seeing the wall filled with all the bright colors made me so happy and they are just so delicious!

--two--

My facewash-Eminence Mineral Cleansing Concentrate: For those of you with PCOS and hirsutism issues this stuff works wonders! I have always struggled with acne (thanks again PCOS) and worse for the past 5 years I've gotten horrible thick black hairs on my chin. I literally have to tweeze it twice a day. Sorry for the TMI, but I know there have to be others that deal with this too. Well, to add insult to injury, I constantly got in-grown hairs and my chin just looked a nasty mess all the time because it was so red and irritated from having to attack the in-grown hairs. Well, about 3 years ago, I found this facewash and it not only helped my acne but cured my in-grown hair issue! I was shocked the problem was unexpectedly solved and then research on the ingredients showed it could help with this. I am also delighted to have discovered that skipping my morning facewash routine has done wonders to clear up my acne. I recently read that the PH of your skin in the morning is 'just right' and you don't want to mess with that by washing your face. So I now wash my face just at night with this stuff and my skin is better than it has been since before puberty. 

--three--

Self-help books: So this has to be one of the most shameless things to admit but I'm a sucker for a good self-help book. I swore I would read some fiction on our vacation but I ended up defaulting to my trusty relationship books. As a connoisseur of these things, I highly recommend this book. I've noticed a change in our relationship almost immediately after adjusting my mindset as the book encourages. The main idea is that men are always on the brink of shame and women are always on the brink of fear/anxiety (obviously a generalization but its true for most couples). When a woman's anxiety goes up, a man's shame is triggered and vice-versa. There are simple changes you can make to step outside of this vicious cycle. Since recognizing this, I've been able to have more compassion for my husband and it must be making a difference because his entire demeanor has changed! 

--four--

This Pinterest Recipe:

 Do you have Arthritis or an inflammatory illness? Anti-Inflammatory Lemonade: 

1 cup of fresh squeezed lemon juice (4 -6 lemons) 

4-6 cups of purified water 

1 tsp of ground turmeric 

1 tsp of cinnamon 

Pinch of Himalayan Salt Optional:

 Honey (or to taste) 

Optional: 1 tsp ground/fresh ginger 

A big thank you to Natural News tv. for this great recipe. 

So it doesn't take much like lemonade but on cold mornings I like to drink it warm. I heat water in the microwave, squeeze a lemon into it and add a smaller portion of tumeric and ginger. It doesn't even need the honey. It's really soothing and it's supposed to be great for fighting the inflammation caused by endo or from eating excessive amounts of sugar coated marshmallows;-)

--five--

Solitude and the beach: Okay so maybe this is more of a BIG happy but getting to put my feet in the sand and feel the warm air was beyond amazing. We waited almost 4 years to take a big trip (our honeymoon was more of a mini-moon). I'm so glad we could finally get-away. 

Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS) Continued...

Yesterday I had my CD 8 ultrasound. I had 2 follicles measuring about 1.6 cm. Based on the doctors past instructions this meant I should take my Neupogen injection ASAP but they still like me to wait for the go-ahead from the doctor. The Neupogen needs to be refrigerated and I didn't want to have to bring it to work so I decided to stop at home after my ultrasound and just do the shot even though the doctor hadn't called me back. Well, boy am I glad I did that because they were closed yesterday! I wish they would have somehow notified their patients in advance! IF treatments require timely answers.

The interesting thing about my LUFS is that the follicular phase of my cycle seems to be very healthy (at least from what I can deduce). I grow health sized follicles without the help of any medications. In fact, when I was on (a sub-therapeutic dose) the doctor's said I was hyper-responsive and took me off of it.

My ultrasounds look great until after peak when the damn follicle fails to rupture and I develop a giant LUF. Blood draws usually indicate normal hormone levels for women with LUF. When I saw an RE she told me I was ovulating based on my bloodwork. She was wrong.

I don't know how LUFS affects mood and hormones that aren't typically tested for... my mood and energy level have been awful lately. I'm waiting on results from my adrenal labs. I hope if you've found this site via google and you have LUFS, you'll comment. There is so little known about the issue. I hope we can all connect and compare notes!!!

Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome (LUFS)

April 2014 Update: I ovulated with the help of Cytotec prescribed by PPVI. See my timeline for more information. 

I took my HCG trigger shot about 48 hours ago, 36 hours following my 2nd Neupogen injection. I won't be able to have an ultrasound until Thursday since we're out of town. It is becoming glaringly obvious that I have yet another LUF. The pain and discomfort are unmistakable.

I was first diagnosed with an LUF in October 2011, only a few months after we started TTC. My family practice doctor ordered an US and shockingly the radiologist identified the cyst on my ovary as an LUF (shocking because most medical professionals don't know what they are). My family practice doctor didn't have much input to offer (she'd never heard of them).

I did hours of research online and found very little information. I found a handful of medical journal articles but they were from as far back as the 1980s which told me not much research was being done on this issue anymore.

In December of 2011, we went to an Reproductive Endocrinologist for evaluation. I assumed they would easily be able to tell me whether or not I ovulated based on ultrasounds and blood work. Boy was I wrong. Apparently only the Napro ultrasound series does this. The RE was just making sure my hormones rose as they should and checking to see how many follicles I had in a given cycle. The trouble with LUFS is that hormones and ultrasounds usually look pretty normal- the problem doesn't occur until after the time of assumed ovulation so it commonly goes undetected.

When we met with RE to review our test results, she told me nothing was wrong. I showed her the stack of medical journal articles I had printed out. They talked about LUFS and said 80% of women with LUFS have endometriosis. She told me LUFS wasn't real.

I look back on that experience and I feel infuriated for the many women who seek this doctor's care (and so many other's like her) who don't know there are other options, who have to tolerate the status quo and never have the actual cause of their infertility identified.

I have never felt tempted to even consider IVF but my understanding is that IVF wouldn't even be an option for us since my eggs are never released. For some reason, I find that incredibly depressing that even using illicit means we'd never be able to have biological children. It just feels like a new level of hopelessness. Of course, the other way of looking at it is that we are beyond blessed by Napro- maybe even more than the average couple. Napro is literally the only means of treating this problem. No one else has a clue what to do.

During my research the most helpful page I found happened to be a fellow Catholic IF blogger's post. I have her permission to share it with you here:

Thursday, March 17, 2011

(LUFS) Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome


Dr. Hilgers is now using Neupogen to treat LUFS and is having success.

Anovulation in Disguise:
LUFS (Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome)
Trapped Egg Syndrome
Hemorrhagic Anovulatory Follicle Syndrome".

When I check my blog stats, I get many search hits for LUFS. The other day one of my readers asked me for more information on it so I decided to post it here. It took me two years before I was diagnosed with LUFS It is very tricky get a diagnosis because all the usual tests could come back normal. Most REs do not even look for it becuase they think they can bypass everything with IVF.


======================================================================


What is it?


In Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome, the egg develops within the follicle quite normally and then the follicle turns into the corpus luteum. Even though all hormonal changes take place reasonably normally, the follicle never ruptures and the egg is never released from the ovary. The LH surge is responsible for "leuteinization." Failure to rupture does not mean failure make the transition from an estrogen producing follicle to a progesterone producing unruptured follicle (LUF).

Ovulation and luteinization can be mutually exclusive events. For example, drugs that suppress activity of cyclooxygenase prevent ovulation without affecting luteinization of the follicular wall or circulatory profiles of progesterone characteristic of an otherwise normal luteal phase; The "luteinized unruptured follicle syndrome" is due to a chronic follicular inflammatory response (ie., failure of PGF2a to terminate the preovulatory hyperemic reaction induced by proinflammatory agents, such as histamine).


Taken from http://www.uwyo.edu/wjm/repro/ovarian.htm


What about tests for ovulation?


Most drs check ovulation by measuring the hormones that are being produced during the menstrual cycle. They do not determine whether the actual release of the egg from the ovary has taken place. They make the assumption that if the hormones are being produced in proper amounts then ovulation has occurred. The hormones and the physical release are two separate acts. Since the hormones are being produced, the basal body temperature chart will show a rise; measurement of blood hormone levels will be "normal"; and if an endometrial biopsy is done, it will show that "ovulation" has taken place. However, the follicle will not rupture and there will not be any significant increase in fluid in the pelvis when an ultrasound is done.


======================================================================


My personal experience:


I had a regular 28 cycle, with a positive opk every month that matched up with basal body temp charts. As far as I could tell I was ovulating every month. All my other tests came back normal. The RE labeled me as having unexplained infertility. I tried ovulation drugs for months and then moved on to the shots. I used ovidrel as a trigger. I always had a cyst the next cycle after. One of the nurses said that maybe I was not ovulating. I asked the RE. He said he was 100% sure I was ovulating because I was taking a trigger. I asked him to do an US after the trigger to prove it and he refused. I asked him why I had a cysts every single month and he said my cysts were due to POF.


Then I started Napro. When my dr looked at my Creighton charts and due to continued CM he said it is possible that I have LUFS. My napro Dr tracked my follicle growth with an US. I could see that follicle did not rupture. It would continue to grow past 20mm after I get my LH surge. I tried HCG triggers but they never worked. After I took the trigger, my follicle would actually grow larger. If I got blood work done, or use an OPK it still appeared that I ovulated, even though I know I did not.

I spent a year trying to find something to cure my LUFS. The only treatment available was to use a HCG trigger. I did this and it never made them rupture. When I realized that my only treatment option was not working, I spent hours on the internet researching and came across an article from Japan that uses G-CSF to treat LUFS. I tried to get my dr to give it to me. He was not comfortable since it raises your white blood cells. I went back to the internet and tried to find a dr who would. I came across a specialty known as Reproductive Immunology. I found a dr who uses G-csf in his practice. He ran some immune tests on me and found out that I have elevated natural killer cells. He said this can cause implantation failure and unruptured follicles. He told me to take fish oil and pycnogenol. He suggested I take Lupron as a trigger.


The first time I used the Lupron trigger it worked!!!! I could not believe it. The next month, I went in for my US and saw that my follicle had ruptured on its own before I even took the trigger.


It is frustrating becuase there has not been a lot of research on LUFS so most doctors are not aware. Of all the research I have done, I mostly found articles on horses. The only main article I found on humans was from Japan. Most Drs do not take the time to properly diagnose ovulation disorders and many women are labeled as unexplained. REs just want to bypass every problem with IVF. There seems to be a connection between LUFS and endometriosis. There is now some new research on treating both of these with immune treatments. Napro Technology Drs are also trained to identify and treat LUFS.

LUFS- Simone's Journey

I look for you everywhere

Dear Baby,

You were so content riding in the cart at the grocery store. You kept looking at me and that now familiar sense of love and joy washed over me. You have your dad's eyes and long eyelashes. You have his sly, mischievous grin. Your calm, cheerful demeanor is your dad's too. Maybe you'll grow to be sensitive and determined like me. Maybe you'll be generous and thoughtful like your dad. Maybe you'll be freakishly picky about all things food like both of us. Maybe you'll have your dad's math skills and my reading skills (we can only hope it's not the other way around!).

But you're not in my cart, baby. You're in that other woman's cart. And those traits that remind me so much of my husband could have come from your mom for all I know. You're not mine. You're not my husbands. Why do I keep seeing you everywhere?

It's been 32 months since your dad and I opened our hearts to your arrival- 43 months since we've been married. You see we were worried in the beginning that we wouldn't have enough money to provide for you the way we wanted to. We worried that I wouldn't be able to stay home during the day and take care of you. Because of all our worries, we tried to avoid pregnancy those first 11 months of our marriage. Now we wonder if we hadn't of been so cautious and plan obsessed, would you be here today?

You see my dear baby, around the 11th month of our marriage, your dad did the math and said he thought it'd be okay if you arrived in nine months- that I'd be able to quit my job and spend my days taking care of you. My heart nearly jumped outside of my body with excitement. I went right over to my friend's house and told her you might be here soon! She was so excited to meet you too and told me what a good mom I was going to be.

I thought about how much fun you were going to have playing with all the kids in our neighborhood, how so many of them would be around your age. I thought about how I needed to take better care of myself to give you the healthiest start possible. I went to W.hole foods and bought the most expensive pre-natal vitamins I could find. I stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol. I ordered Dr. Sears' 'The Baby Book' and read all about pregnancy and childbirth. I even decided I would try to have a natural birth. I had always said I would have all the pain medication they could give me, but with the thought of your impending arrival, I had a new love in my heart- like nothing I had experienced before- and I thought for the first time, "I can handle the pain", because I so wanted you to have the very best start possible.

That month, I wondered a lot about whether or not you'd be making your debut soon. I googled every little thing I noticed going on with my body and without fail- every time-  I found at least 10 sites or message boards that said A B or C was an early pregnancy symptom! My anticipation only grew greater!

On a hot July day, I drove to W.algreens in a flurry, and awkwardly bought my first pregnancy test. I remember feeling worried about what people would think- if they could see I was married or if they thought poorly of me. I don't really know why I was so worried about other people, I guess was still a little immature.

I got home and ripped open the package with an indescribable euphoria. So many thoughts raced through my head. "How would I tell your dad?" "Did I still have time to go to his favorite bakery and buy a special cake with the announcement written on it?" "How long did I need to wait to tell everybody else?" "Crap, I think I did have some alcohol in the past 2 weeks, could I have hurt you?"

I followed the instructions and waited a few minutes to read the result. Only one line. That meant 'not pregnant.' But it just couldn't be right! What about all that stuff I read online? I threw the test in the trash and took another one. Same result. "Maybe it just takes longer than it says," I thought as I pulled the first test out of the trash to see if the result had changed. There was a faint line. I could swear. I quickly began googling and all the message boards said 'Congratulations! I had a faint line and my son/daughter was born 9 months later.'

But it only took a day or two for my hopes to be shattered- my period had arrived. I let a month or two more pass before I called our fertility care practitioner (the lady trained to read the charts of my cycles and see if anything problematic might be going on). She said it was normal for things to take a few months and recommended a couple supplements, which I purchased immediately. At the end of that month I knew something was wrong and went to my doctor.

I don't want to bore you with all the details, my dear baby. The doctor thought a few things might be off and gave me some medicine she thought would help. When it didn't help your dad and I argued about what to do next. Your dad was really worried that my doctor was missing something. He thought that if we could just find that missing puzzle piece, you'd be here any day.

We went to see a specialist who does many things that aren't in line with our beliefs. She was supposed to be the best. We thought we could get her help with finding out what was taking you so long and then go to a Christian doctor for treatment. We could never bare the thought of having you frozen and graded and treated like a product. You mean too much. I spent that month getting poked and prodded nearly every day. I hated all the examinations but I wanted answers. I wanted you in my arms. So I asked them for more tests. I knew there was a problem. They'd find it. We'd fix it. And you'd be here.

We met with the doctor in January and she told me in no uncertain terms there was nothing preventing your arrival. She said you'd be here within the year. And then she offered us chemicals if we wanted to "hasten your arrival." I wanted you here pronto, but what she was saying made no sense to me. I knew in my soul she had to be wrong. I started to cry. She clearly thought I was silly and told me to go see a therapist. I told her I knew there was something keeping you away. She said it just wasn't so. We left- your dad with renewed optimism- and me with a broken heart.

You weren't here and I knew there was a reason. I went back to my other doctor. I kept asking for more tests. Eventually, my persistence paid off and the doctor realized I might have endometriosis. She sent me to a surgeon who agreed. I was so excited we were closer to an answer! I knew you'd be here soon now. I lamented to the surgeon that I just didn't know what I'd do if I didn't have endometriosis because I just had to know what was holding you back.

Surgery was only a couple weeks later and your dad sat with your grandma in the waiting room. He would never admit it, but your grandma said he was really scared. Your dad really loves me and he thinks he needs to hide his feelings to be strong for me. The surgeon came out and told your dad he had never seen so much endometriosis in someone so young. As soon as I woke up, I asked what they found and when we could again open our hearts to your arrival. The doctor said we need only delay a couple of weeks.

Six months went by and still no you. I wrote a letter to a doctor far away to see what he thought. I found out I would need another surgery. I wasn't scared because I just wanted to meet you. But then I needed 4 more surgeries. And I started to get scared. I began to fear the pain. I began to fear what might happen to me. I wondered if I'd die of complications from the anesthesia. There were days I could barely move I was in so much pain. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at the doctors for not giving me enough medicine. I was angry at your dad- for just trying his best to help me. I was angry at every pregnant woman I saw for having what I couldn't. During this very dark time, I found it especially difficult to pray. I tried to make a habit of asking Mother Mary to pray for me every time I walked past her statue in our living room. It was during the most painful period of my recovery that I walked passed Our Lady and I heard you cry out to me, "keep fighting for me, mommy."

How could I give up now? Every month I stick myself with needles and let strangers prod me with strange devices. I miss hours- sometimes days of work- to do seemingly trivial things the doctors tell me will help you get here.

Most of my days are spent fighting for your classmates. I don't know how to tell you this, but there are some mommies and daddies who don't think there children should be born. Even when they're already on their way, the mommies and daddies think about hurting their babies. I feel sad when I hear their reasons because a lot of them sound like the reasons we avoided welcoming you into our hearts. But I swear to you, baby, we would never hurt you. Most of the time, I feel powerless to help you get here. But Our heavenly Father has given me a little bit of influence when it comes to your friends' arrivals. When I talk to these pregnant women, I wonder if they aren't carrying your future spouse. I wonder if they aren't thinking about ending the life of your best friend or teammate. A lot of the time I want to tell them, "you will never regret your child's life! But if you end their life, you will forever regret the hole in your heart only this baby can fill." I'm not allowed to say those things though. So I try to listen.

And a lot of the time, I hear your voice, "keep fighting for me mommy." And because I know you will care about your peers, I know you want me to fight for them. And even though I have no more say in when you get here, I can fight for you. I can love the mommies and daddies I meet and help them to love the babies they haven't yet met. I can see you in their eyes and in the eyes of the babies I meet. I will keep fighting. I will keep loving. I am already your mommy. I care my sweet baby. I care. Even if I can't show it in the way I want to. I care. And I will answer our heavenly Father's call. Maybe you know when you'll get here. Maybe you don't. Could you pray for me? I am praying for you. I am holding you in my heart. I am seeing you everywhere. I love you.

"I look for you everywhere the stars, the trees, the whispers in the wind the reflections in the water the sunrising and sunset. And I will keep looking."

Opinions needed!

I had my CD 4 ultrasound today. It is intended to make sure my LUFs from the previous cycle have resolved before I take any other fertility drugs. As usual (thank God! and progesterone!) the LUF from last cycle is gone. However, I have over 13 follicles already and 2 are already over 1 centimeter. The US technician was surprised I wasn't on Clomid based on how stimulated my ovaries looked. Does anyone know what to make of this??? (FYI I had wedge resection for PCOS in 2012). My doctor is likely swamped with more urgent things and hasn't told me what to make of the US and cycle review yet. I worry about what this means for the quality of ovulation and if PCOS is back with a vengeance. 

One of those days

I was supposed to take my trigger shot by 3pm today, which meant bringing everything with me to work. 3pm roles around and I go through the usual prep routine and then I can't get the stupid needle through my skin! I've done this at least 10 times before. Why in the world isn't it working?!? I kept trying and was bleeding from like 5 different spots before I called the nurses at PPVI- well, I bypassed their line and asked the office manager to let me talk to one of them ASAP. The nurse walked me through the procedure and told me to be more forceful, etc- all to no avail. I told her I'd done these injections plenty of times and never had  trouble so it must be the needle.

By this time it was 3:45 and I was well passed the deadline for the shot. I had no other needles with me at work so I left early to go home and use a different needle. But as it turns out, K.ubats had not included any needles for the HCG in this months package. I was totally SOL. I eventually got the right needles from W.algreens after K.ubats called them for me, but I ended up doing the shot nearly 2 hours late. The new needle went through with no issue, so beware there are dud needles!!!! I would not have guessed that was possible but I'm relieved to know I'm not losing my touch.

On top of that, while I was walking the 4 blocks from my office to my car, I slid down a 2 foot pile of snow and abruptly landed on my tush and bruised my tail-bone. At least 3 people saw me and only one stopped to see if I was okay, but didn't help me up or anything. I was carrying the prepared HCG injection in a container with ice and everything went everywhere! It was a miracle the injection didn't spill or break.

I also learned from PPVI today that my thyroid numbers are still crappy. My T3 is 67 and the healthy range is 70-150 (I think) and my T3 -Reverses T3 ratio is 2.7 and they want it to be greater than 10. When I first started t3 supplements 2 years ago, I think my ratio was 3, so not only has mine not improved by it's a little worse. They wanted me to increase my T3 dose but last time I tried that I had extreme anxiety (racing heart and pulse) so I am absolutely not jumping to the dose they recommended because that feeling is awful.

My husband was a super-hero and made me a gin and tonic as soon as I got home and went to the pharmacy for me to pick up the new needles. I took a hot bath to calm my nerves and soothe my bruised tail-bone. I was pleasantly surprised to get a call from the K.ubats pharmacist apologizing for not sending the needles and letting me know they were refunding the full cost of the HCG! I was not expecting that.

All these little things seem so embarrassingly trivial. I could be ashamed to admit I let all this get to me. Sometimes though, it's the little things about IF that can really kick you in the gut. And then I think of St. Therese and how all these little things can be transformed into beautiful roses before the thrown of our Lord if we bear them with love and patience. I hope I can get better at that. Today just reminded me how far I have to go on the path to sainthood. Sometimes I feel like IF has made me more selfish. Oh how I have a lot to learn.

Adopt-A--Blogger (Thank you!)

I feel so blessed that the Holy Spirit led Blessed to Be to choose me as February's Adopt-A-Blogger! Just today, I realized how desperately in need of God's grace I am right now. I've been relying pretty heavily on my own power the past few months and it's left me quite bitter and broken. How quickly God answered my prayer for more grace, love and support!

My DH and I have been married 3 1/2 years. We were blessed enough to find the Creighton Model before we were married and my regular cycles led me to believe I was "super fertile" and would have no trouble getting pregnant so we delayed TTC so I could attend all my bests friends' weddings without having to worry about avoiding alcohol or fitting into my bridesmaids dresses. Yep, I was pretty clueless.

Fast-forward to our 1 year anniversary and we were ready to TTC. I quickly realized something wasn't right and aggressively pursued treatment. After being dismissed- even written off as "in need of a therapist" (which I already had:-))- by several doctors, I was referred to an amazing OBGYN. Only a couple weeks later,  he performed my first laparoscopy and diagnosed Stage 3 endometriosis. The diagnosis was a tremendous relief, but to our great disappointment, this surgery would not be enough to allow us to conceive. I've since had 5 more surgeries to treat severe endometriosis, endometritis and mild PCOS with the wonderful doctors at PPVI Institute. My most recent surgery was October 2013.

After much prayer, God has led us to begin the adoption process, even as we continue treatment for our infertility. We are currently on a waiting list to begin the home-study process and I started Neupogen shots to treat chronic LUFS this cycle.

Like so many of you, all I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. My DH wrote in his 6th grade assignment that he wanted to be "a dad" when he grew up. My heart aches with longing for the day that I'll be able to share the news that his lifelong dream has come true. For now, God has led me to counseling women in crisis pregnancies, and though I remain tremendously grateful for the opportunity to serve the Lord in this way, I yearn for the day where I can "raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of His glory in the world to come."

In addition to your prayers for the blessing of parenthood, prayers for our spiritual union as husband and wife are greatly needed! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. You will all be in mine as well. <3.

Miracles do happen

No I'm not pregnant but I am absolutely elated! After 27 months of infertility and 23 months since I asked my husband to consider adoption, he has finally agreed to submit our prelimiary application!   Nearly 13 months ago, I was recovering from my 2nd surgery to treat endometriosis (my 1st surgery with PPVI). The news we received was nothing short of devastating. Despite having had surgery only 8 months before, I had Stage IV endo along with PCOS and endometritis. Of course the doctors were telling us that with treatment they were hopeful we would be able to conceive, and my husband seemed convinced this would be the case.

All I could think about during this recovery was our child's birth mother. I felt an indescribable spiritual pull to pray for this woman that I didn't know- to pray for a situation no one else really believed was plausible. I had a few very holy friends who seemed to understand the depth of what I was experiencing, but many seemed to dismiss me with comments like, "it hasn't been that long. You don't need to think about adoption," or "maybe God just wants you to say yes to adoption and then he'll allow you to conceive." Ughhh. These comments hurt so deeply. So few people could understand. But this all made perfect sense to me. Many months earlier, I first received clarity about our call to adoption and now, in the midst of such bad news about my health, God was calling me, not to pray for healing or conception, but to pray for a woman I didn't know. This was the kind of thing that my spiritual director said has to be from the Holy Spirit. My simple and selfish mind could not be the origin of such a thought. I yearn to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I want to see my husband's face when I show him a positive pregnancy test. I want to know what it feels like to see your child for the first time on an ultrasound monitor. I want to delight in seeing my husband's traits in our children. I long for biological parenthood- this is true. But... I have an indescribable pull toward adoption- one that has been constant and unrelenting throughout 27 months of medical treatment.

I had been following the advice of many wise people in my life- to avoid "nagging" my husband about adoption- to trust that if God put adoption on my heart, He would work on my husband's heart as well. I've struggled these past 2 years to keep my mouth shut about it. We've had about 5 conversations about it. I admit, I was always the one to bring it up, but I tried to be discerning about it. Last night, I felt prompted to mention it gently, and my husband said we could submit our application! I talked to the agency today and they have a 2-6 month waiting list before we can even submit the official application and begin the home study process. This will be a long road but I am so excited about the possibilities that lay before us. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." And we've finally taken that step. Pray for us!

Physical pain relieved, spiritual pain increases

Surgery left me with more pain than I was expecting and I ended up on a high dose of narcotics for a month or so. Stopping the pain pills was a challenge of its own. Thanks be to God, I never developed a psychological addiction to the medication but I did develop a physical dependence on it. When I stopped taking it- despite my efforts to gradually reduce the dose- I developed withdrawal symptoms. I barley slept for 7-10 days, I had a racing heart, restless legs- essentially I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack for over a week. I did some research on the neurochemistry of narcotic withdrawals and it seems the symptoms are caused by an excess of norepinephrine, which plays a key role in the body's fight or flight response. This would explain my panicky feelings. The week spent getting through the withdrawal was hell. As a mental health professional, I like to think I have empathy for those struggling with addiction, but this experience undoubtedly gave me a new perspective. I realized I am very guilty of taking the struggles of those dealing with addiction for granted. I've been quick to blame addiction on a moral failing or a lack of will power. Though addiction is a complex problem, the physical component is very real and very powerful. The severity of withdrawal symptoms is related to the length of time the substance was used, and the time I was on narcotics was relatively short. I cannot imagine dealing with more intense symptoms than what I experienced. I found myself thinking, "I completely understand why people take their own lives." It was that bad. And I know it is a million times worse for so many others. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted the terrible feeling of my heart and mind racing to stop and there was little to nothing I could do about it. My doctor did agree to prescribe Clonidine- a medication commonly used to curb the anxiety caused by opioid withdrawal- but lucky me, the medication only increased my symptoms. I am finally feeling better and very grateful for it, but I'm struggling with feeling as though I've come unglued. Throughout the struggles of the past month, I've neglected my prayer life. I feel guilty and overwhelmed by the degree to which I've failed. I know God brought me through this struggle but I don't understand why God is allowing me to feel so spiritually discouraged right now...

"Our own"

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

Reflections from January 2013: I just sat next to a married couple in their 50s on my flight home from Florida.  The woman shared with me that her daughter-in-law (due with their first grandchild this month) worked for Planned. Parenthood. Eeek.  I struggled to hide my horror.  Based solely on the fact that she did not cut-off all conversation with me I believe my poker-face is improving. PP is the largest "provider" of abortions in the country and since their founding in 1921, when they went by the name the American Birth Control League, they have worked tirelessly to systematically eliminate those that they view as "unfit," that is unfit to live.  Their eugenic roots are well documented and even their current executives exalt the work of their founder Margaret. Sanger.  Sanger used the terms "human weeds,' 'reckless breeders,' 'spawning... human beings who never should have been born," in reference to the poor, to immigrants, to African Americans and to Catholics.  She wrote in the Birth Control Review that the purpose of promoting birth control was "to create a race of thoroughbreds" (1921) and to achieve the ends of "more children from the fit, less from the unfit" (1919). (Learn more here: Planned Parenthood and Eugenics.)

As our conversation progressed, she shared that her daughter - not to be confused with aforementioned daughter-in-law- had been trying to conceive for over a year and that she had recently seen a reproductive endocrinologist. Per this woman's report, her daughter has PCOS and IVF was presented as the only solution.  At this point, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to share a bit about my own situation. "My husband and I have been struggling with infertility as well," I told her. "I actually just had surgery to treat endometriosis and PCOS. I was visiting family in Florida to cap off 6 weeks of post-surgery healing."

Not surprisingly this woman responded with the predictable well-meaning, yet ignorant, "Why don't you just do IVF?" I gently stated that because we are Catholic, IVF is not an option for us. I try not to say "we don't believe in IVF" because I think that can come across as if we don't believe it ever works or we don't believe it's real or we don't believe in science. When I say it's not an option, I know I run the risk of sounding rule-obsessed, but my hope is to be clear. This isn't based on some magical/illogical/irrational "belief." Our decision not to pursue IVF is based on an accurate understanding of human dignity and worth. My entire life is grounded in my understanding of the inherent worth and dignity of every human life. A belief can be wrong.  Facts are facts. Fact: Human life begins at conception. Fact: IVF leads to the destruction and disregard of newly created human lives. IVF is not an option because it is an assault on my way of being in the world. It is an assault on truth and beauty and human dignity. Just doing IVF would amount to just compromising intrinsic moral truths written on every human heart.

I don't have many- if any- readers so I am not afraid to be candid. I understand that someone who disagrees with me is likely to come across this post and to feel offended. I don't condemn anyone who has pursued IVF. I desire everyone to know the fullness of the truth and to experience the radiant light of God's love. I have made decisions inconsistent with the truth in the past. I will undoubtedly make mistakes again in the future. I do not claim to be "better" than anyone. I desire to walk in the light of truth and sometimes this means calling a lie a lie-even if it means others feelings will be hurt. It is my experience that most couples who choose IVF simply do not know there is another way. They don't know the reality of what takes place and they don't have an accurate understanding of what constitutes a human life.

But I digress... As my conversation with this woman continued I tried to steer the conversation away from a debate about IVF to a talk about the beauty of adoption. I told this perfect stranger that I felt very called to adoption and that my husband and I would be blessed to be able to grow our family this way. I could barely get the words out before she hit me with this doozy,"you and your husband are obviously very intelligent people. It would be a shame for you to not have your own."

Seriously?! Was I hearing this? This woman who considered herself "tolerant" was telling me that because I seemed intelligent it was all the more important to have biological children?! Not to mention the implication that adopted children would not be "mine." Do I judge this woman? Her heart? Her standing with God? No. I am not claiming to know the state of her soul so please don't condemn me for "judging." What I do know, however, is that each human life is as valuable as the next. Every child is unique and unrepeatable. God has a beautiful and brilliant plan for every soul. As far as I'm concerned genetic traits like skin color, athletic ability, and intelligence are trivial. They may contribute to your experience in the world but they have nothing to do with your worth. That's what this Planned Parenthood supporting, IVF-loving lady was missing, my husband and I may be intelligent but this doesn't point to the importance of having "our own," rather, our intellect gives us the capacity to know truth- the truth that all children are beautiful. All children are wanted. No children will ever be "ours," but all children belong to God.

Maybe you're wondering what my Planned Parenthood rant in the beginning has to do with all of this. Maybe you're not. Do you see the connection between PP's eugenic agenda and this woman's comments? I don't know that I can capture the link succinctly so I'll let you draw your own conclusions. For now, I pray for all children without loving homes. I pray for the unborn and for all women and couples facing difficult pregnancies. I pray for all birthmothers. I pray for our future child's birthmother. I pray that our country will one day uphold the value of all human life. I pray that the child destined to be "ours" through the blessing of adoption will not be aborted because someone at PP thinks her mother is not "intelligent" enough to have the right to procreate. Our Lady of Guadeloupe, Pray for us!

Unanswered prayers

I can't type those words 'unanswered prayers' without immediately hearing the country tune "...some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." How true those words ring as I reflect upon my short time spent on this earth.  In high school despite being a relatively "normal" girl, I never had a boyfriend (until the last 3 months of senior year but that's for another post).  All my friends were dating and many in "serious" relationships.  I felt lonely, hopeless, unattractive- defective. How I prayed that God would just send me a boyfriend-someone to love me and care about me. Despite my pleading, Prince Charming never showed  during those 4 long years of high school.

I chose a University based on little more than intuition and a "good feeling." I was determined to surrender my obsessive focus on finding a man and focus on what our culture likes to call finding yourself.  During this time of "not caring about boys" I met my husband.  He pursued me.  He respected me.  He loved me.  He. agreed. to. wait. for. marriage. You see, at this point I was not practicing my faith and yet I passionately clung to the Catholic Church's teaching that sex was for marriage.  Looking back, I am so profoundly grateful that God didn't send me my much-longed-for-boyfriend back in high school.  I know I would have succumb to the pressure to "just do it" at that point in my life, if it was in the context of what my teenage mind viewed as a "serious relationship." Instead, God held out for a gift far greater than what I had in mind.  He gave me a husband not a boyfriend.  He gave me not just someone to love me but someone that would love me unconditionally. 

More recently, I faced the challenge of finding employment in my field.  I work in a very liberal profession yet I have many orthodox convictions.  I was always somewhat of a fish out of water in my college and grad-school courses, but I "just knew" I wanted to pursue this profession.  After graduation it seemed there were no jobs in sight. The jobs whose qualifications I did meet usually reported hiring someone that far exceeded their minimum qualifications. There were just too many qualified professionals looking for work.  But just like in high school it seemed -in my mind- that I was the only one who wasn't getting hired (from my grad school cohort).  I decided to take a job outside of my field while I waited for the right career opportunity to present itself.  I went on several traumatizing interviews.  I would get so nervous before an interview I wouldn't sleep for days. I'd obsessively research the organization and even more obsessively re-read entire chapters of text books pertaining to the potential job. I even tried using anti-anxiety meds to calm down the day of an interview.  None of this got me. any. where. During this time in my life, I went through a gradual return to my faith. I prayed novenas that I would get this job or that job.  Until one day the.perfect.job. seemed to fall out of the sky and into my lap.  The organization didn't even know their ad for an opening was still being run. They had already finished interviewing. They. still. wanted. to. meet. me.  I opted to ditch the anti-anxiety meds and instead prayed to the Holy Spirit for peace and guidance.  And then by an act of divine providence, I got the job! This was a job that would allow me to use my degree from my liberal field and still fulfill a mission that is at the core of my traditional values.  This was in every sense of the word- my dream job- although I never knew a job this perfect existed! And I never would have gotten it if I was otherwise occupied in one of the many other jobs I had so fervently prayed to get.

And now as I stare the 18th month of infertility in the face, I am tempted to think again, "but I'm the only one." Yes, it seems that babies are everywhere and that everyone (including long-term pill users) are showing up pregnant. I am tempted to think how much better my life would be if I just had my way.  I am tempted to justify to God the desires of my heart. But I know now- more than ever- that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.  I know His plan for my life is beautiful and will bring forth many fruits if I cooperate with Him.  I think about Our Blessed Mother. What if she had told God no? Nevermind the threat of death she faced by becoming pregnant out of wedlock, what if she had said, "but God... I am supposed to marry this great guy- Joseph- and we hope to have many children together and...I really will be a good mother I want to have lots of kids not just one." We know that Mary was born without original sin. Her love of God and her desire to do His will was perfect.  We- carrying the stain of original sin- struggle to imitate Our Mother who so perfectly embraced the Father's plan.  As I struggle, it comforts me to know that God desires to bring about the conversion of many souls through my life- as he desires for the lives of all His children.  It comforts me to know that God has an important and divine plan for my life.  It shakes me to the core to realize that Our Mother said, "yes" and so allowed the world to receive our King.  How am I saying "no" to God by telling him directly or indirectly that my plans are better.  I know now, thanks to unanswered prayers, that His plans are better than my dreams.  Jesus I trust in you.