Ups and Downs

As many of you know, we've been working really hard on all of our adoption stuff the past month. I have been a terrible blogging friend and haven't kept up with all of you. I've spent pretty much every second of my free time working on adoption stuff.

There have been many positives over the past month and several challenges as well. The distance between us and certain loved ones seems to be growing greater and it hurts me so much. I try so hard to pray about it but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. My therapist tells me I need to protect my own heart and stop spending so much time with people that for whatever reason aren't able to be supportive- not avoiding them just setting limits for myself.

All of the stress of not having the support we hoped for is doing a number on my mental health and spiritual well-being. I made it to daily mass 4 out 5 days last week which was a miracle but I feel so spiritually empty and disconnected. My anxiety has been out of control and I can barely sleep or eat.

Of course this is not to say that we have no support- quite the contrary actually. It's just that the absence of such significant relationships is felt all the more during these important life transitions. I know that unforgiveness can lead to all sorts of spiritual problems and I pray everyday for the grace to forgive. It is so confusing to know what forgiveness looks like when forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation/repair of the relationship.

I could really use your prayers right now. I am praying for you all even though I've been MIA.

Today...

I'm loving everyone's 'Little Happies.' I'm feeling pretty down today so don't read any further if you're not up for a little melancholy.

I had my peak+4 ultrasound today. While I was in the waiting room, I let myself imagine the possibility that I ovulated and that I'd be returning in a month or so for an ultrasound of baby. I let myself imagine what it would feel like. Why the heck did I let myself go there? Well, I really thought I could have ovulated this month. My typical LUF pain didn't seem as bad as it normally does, but sure enough I had another LUF.

I let myself cry on the drive into work. I grieved the loss of another month gone by without the little one we long for. And now I just feel numb. I feel so cut off from the world. I feel so disinterested in everything. I don't like this.

This was my 3rd cycle using Neupogen and I'm hoping they'll adjust the treatment plan since I don't seem to be responding. Last month they though I "might" have ovulated but I'm thinking I didn't. Why would it work one month and not the next?

I called our adoption agency today to see where we are on the waiting list to do our home study. We our still 4th on the list. We were 4th on the list in November and they told us they thought it'd be 3 months but we haven't moved up at all!

They said they're seeing very few birth moms who don't already have an adoptive family identified. They're encouraging people to do an independent home study and identify their own birth mom. I do not feel up to this. I just can't imagine spending that much time thinking about it. I feel like I would lose my mind. I'm supposed to be talking to a social worker about it tomorrow to get a better idea about what it would involve. Anyone have any thoughts?

And then well, maybe it doesn't matter because the DH is still not going to mass. And I really don't want to move forward until he's got some faith. We're arguing because he says I 'pressure' him. I rarely bring it up but when we do talk about it I do emphasize that I believe faith is a choice. He says he's waiting until he "feels called," which infuriates me. He's cut himself off from the grace of the sacraments. He isn't going to feel called. Of course God can work miracles but he usually works within the natural order of things and he's made himself available to us. Ultimately, we have to choose him. Any feedback? Obviously, I'm praying for him and trying to be a good example and I swear I usually don't bring it up...

What I need you to know about infertility: Part 1

Dear loved one, I know you want to be helpful and infertility is hard to understand. If you can forgive my sometimes cynical tone, I think you'll find this helpful. 

1) I am as relaxed as I can possibly be. Infertility is a full-time job all it's own. I miss work at least 4 times a month for last minute appointments that are based on my dysfunctional body's cues. I am using nearly my entire salary to pay for medications that my Cadillac Insurance plan (read super expensive) doesn't cover (while they quite happily pay for abortions and birth control). I don't have the option to "not think about" my infertility because I have to constantly monitor my body for "signs" to determine when to take a given medication and to write up charts for my doctors to read at the end of the month (When I skip this step because I just can't bear to focus that much on infertility the doctors refuse to adjust my treatment plan without that information). I've had to leave work in the middle of the day on more than one occasion because my doctor's office called and said I needed to give myself a shot an hour ago.

When you tell me to relax you imply that my infertility is somehow my own doing. Telling me to relax only stresses me out more. I am already spending more than I can afford to "relax." I have a detailed self-care plan developed with the help of a mental health professional. Your advice to relax makes me question myself more. It makes me bewildered and frustrated that the extensive steps I've already taken to "relax" apparently aren't working. It highlights another thing I'm not doing right.

If you think I need to relax then help me relax. Send me a gift card for a massage. Call me and ask me to go for a walk. Take me to get my nails done. Pray with me. Make us dinner. Better yet take me to a comedy club. I could use a good laugh. Whatever you do, don't tell me to relax. I'm doing the best I can given very un-relaxing circumstances.

2) I need to talk. Infertility is so isolating. People don't want to ask about it because they don't know how to handle the answer. They don't want to "pry." Please don't avoid asking me how I'm doing because you're afraid I'm not doing well. If I'm not doing well that's even more of a reason I need to talk. Talking helps me process things. It helps me connect with you. I don't expect you to have the answers. In fact, I really don't want you to try to give me answers. There are none. Infertility isn't fair. There's no good reason I've been dealt this hand. Infertility is now a part of who I am and I need to be able to share that with you. I need to give voice to my pain. Being able to share my story reminds me that people do care. It reminds me that even though I may feel a crushing sense of sorrow and isolation that I am still alive. That other people want to know me. That I am worth knowing. That I am worth something. That I am still bearable to be with.

When you don't ask- no matter how I try to rationalize it- I'm left feeling like you don't care. Oh and if you really don't care, then don't ask. I'll know by the way you listen or don't. 


3) I am in a constant state of limbo. I had an awful headache the other night. I knew an Ibuprofen would help but I couldn't take an Ibuprofen because Ibuprofen can inhibit ovulation. Well, I never ovulate anyway so I might as well just fix my headache, right? Well, no because what if this is the month where all the expensive medication is finally going to work and I mess it up because I took an Ibuprofen?

I am tempted to throw myself totally into my career. It seems like a good way to distract myself from the pain of my shattered dreams for my family and future. If I can't have the life I dreamed, at least I can accomplish other great things in the world. Right? Well, if I accept the career building opportunities that come my way then I won't be able to miss all the work I normally miss. I won't be able to attend all the doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. I won't be able to scurry off in the middle of the day because I forgot the injection I need right now. 

If I accept all those career building opportunities, I'll be taking time away from relaxing which I'm told is pretty important (see #1). So go for balance you say? Well, that's what I'm doing. But balance leaves me feeling pretty mediocre. My body has failed me and I want to feel like I'm worth something. Career success seems like a healthy enough Plan B, but I don't want to sacrifice my dream for a family for my career. So I don't. But then again there's no guarantee that all this balance will result in the family I so desperately long for. How will I know when to give up on balance and focus more fully on my career? How will I know when I have no other choice than to make my career my consolation prize?

I can't go all in. I'm constantly hovering above two worlds- one I'd quite happily leave in an instant if I could but as things stand, it offers my only chance at feeling somewhat competent and worthwhile- the other I desperately long for but can do little more to attain. I stay- an unwilling visitor- in the first world- not knowing if I should make my home here or not. All the while, my efforts to earn my place in the second world take away from my worth in the first.

I look for you everywhere

Dear Baby,

You were so content riding in the cart at the grocery store. You kept looking at me and that now familiar sense of love and joy washed over me. You have your dad's eyes and long eyelashes. You have his sly, mischievous grin. Your calm, cheerful demeanor is your dad's too. Maybe you'll grow to be sensitive and determined like me. Maybe you'll be generous and thoughtful like your dad. Maybe you'll be freakishly picky about all things food like both of us. Maybe you'll have your dad's math skills and my reading skills (we can only hope it's not the other way around!).

But you're not in my cart, baby. You're in that other woman's cart. And those traits that remind me so much of my husband could have come from your mom for all I know. You're not mine. You're not my husbands. Why do I keep seeing you everywhere?

It's been 32 months since your dad and I opened our hearts to your arrival- 43 months since we've been married. You see we were worried in the beginning that we wouldn't have enough money to provide for you the way we wanted to. We worried that I wouldn't be able to stay home during the day and take care of you. Because of all our worries, we tried to avoid pregnancy those first 11 months of our marriage. Now we wonder if we hadn't of been so cautious and plan obsessed, would you be here today?

You see my dear baby, around the 11th month of our marriage, your dad did the math and said he thought it'd be okay if you arrived in nine months- that I'd be able to quit my job and spend my days taking care of you. My heart nearly jumped outside of my body with excitement. I went right over to my friend's house and told her you might be here soon! She was so excited to meet you too and told me what a good mom I was going to be.

I thought about how much fun you were going to have playing with all the kids in our neighborhood, how so many of them would be around your age. I thought about how I needed to take better care of myself to give you the healthiest start possible. I went to W.hole foods and bought the most expensive pre-natal vitamins I could find. I stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol. I ordered Dr. Sears' 'The Baby Book' and read all about pregnancy and childbirth. I even decided I would try to have a natural birth. I had always said I would have all the pain medication they could give me, but with the thought of your impending arrival, I had a new love in my heart- like nothing I had experienced before- and I thought for the first time, "I can handle the pain", because I so wanted you to have the very best start possible.

That month, I wondered a lot about whether or not you'd be making your debut soon. I googled every little thing I noticed going on with my body and without fail- every time-  I found at least 10 sites or message boards that said A B or C was an early pregnancy symptom! My anticipation only grew greater!

On a hot July day, I drove to W.algreens in a flurry, and awkwardly bought my first pregnancy test. I remember feeling worried about what people would think- if they could see I was married or if they thought poorly of me. I don't really know why I was so worried about other people, I guess was still a little immature.

I got home and ripped open the package with an indescribable euphoria. So many thoughts raced through my head. "How would I tell your dad?" "Did I still have time to go to his favorite bakery and buy a special cake with the announcement written on it?" "How long did I need to wait to tell everybody else?" "Crap, I think I did have some alcohol in the past 2 weeks, could I have hurt you?"

I followed the instructions and waited a few minutes to read the result. Only one line. That meant 'not pregnant.' But it just couldn't be right! What about all that stuff I read online? I threw the test in the trash and took another one. Same result. "Maybe it just takes longer than it says," I thought as I pulled the first test out of the trash to see if the result had changed. There was a faint line. I could swear. I quickly began googling and all the message boards said 'Congratulations! I had a faint line and my son/daughter was born 9 months later.'

But it only took a day or two for my hopes to be shattered- my period had arrived. I let a month or two more pass before I called our fertility care practitioner (the lady trained to read the charts of my cycles and see if anything problematic might be going on). She said it was normal for things to take a few months and recommended a couple supplements, which I purchased immediately. At the end of that month I knew something was wrong and went to my doctor.

I don't want to bore you with all the details, my dear baby. The doctor thought a few things might be off and gave me some medicine she thought would help. When it didn't help your dad and I argued about what to do next. Your dad was really worried that my doctor was missing something. He thought that if we could just find that missing puzzle piece, you'd be here any day.

We went to see a specialist who does many things that aren't in line with our beliefs. She was supposed to be the best. We thought we could get her help with finding out what was taking you so long and then go to a Christian doctor for treatment. We could never bare the thought of having you frozen and graded and treated like a product. You mean too much. I spent that month getting poked and prodded nearly every day. I hated all the examinations but I wanted answers. I wanted you in my arms. So I asked them for more tests. I knew there was a problem. They'd find it. We'd fix it. And you'd be here.

We met with the doctor in January and she told me in no uncertain terms there was nothing preventing your arrival. She said you'd be here within the year. And then she offered us chemicals if we wanted to "hasten your arrival." I wanted you here pronto, but what she was saying made no sense to me. I knew in my soul she had to be wrong. I started to cry. She clearly thought I was silly and told me to go see a therapist. I told her I knew there was something keeping you away. She said it just wasn't so. We left- your dad with renewed optimism- and me with a broken heart.

You weren't here and I knew there was a reason. I went back to my other doctor. I kept asking for more tests. Eventually, my persistence paid off and the doctor realized I might have endometriosis. She sent me to a surgeon who agreed. I was so excited we were closer to an answer! I knew you'd be here soon now. I lamented to the surgeon that I just didn't know what I'd do if I didn't have endometriosis because I just had to know what was holding you back.

Surgery was only a couple weeks later and your dad sat with your grandma in the waiting room. He would never admit it, but your grandma said he was really scared. Your dad really loves me and he thinks he needs to hide his feelings to be strong for me. The surgeon came out and told your dad he had never seen so much endometriosis in someone so young. As soon as I woke up, I asked what they found and when we could again open our hearts to your arrival. The doctor said we need only delay a couple of weeks.

Six months went by and still no you. I wrote a letter to a doctor far away to see what he thought. I found out I would need another surgery. I wasn't scared because I just wanted to meet you. But then I needed 4 more surgeries. And I started to get scared. I began to fear the pain. I began to fear what might happen to me. I wondered if I'd die of complications from the anesthesia. There were days I could barely move I was in so much pain. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at the doctors for not giving me enough medicine. I was angry at your dad- for just trying his best to help me. I was angry at every pregnant woman I saw for having what I couldn't. During this very dark time, I found it especially difficult to pray. I tried to make a habit of asking Mother Mary to pray for me every time I walked past her statue in our living room. It was during the most painful period of my recovery that I walked passed Our Lady and I heard you cry out to me, "keep fighting for me, mommy."

How could I give up now? Every month I stick myself with needles and let strangers prod me with strange devices. I miss hours- sometimes days of work- to do seemingly trivial things the doctors tell me will help you get here.

Most of my days are spent fighting for your classmates. I don't know how to tell you this, but there are some mommies and daddies who don't think there children should be born. Even when they're already on their way, the mommies and daddies think about hurting their babies. I feel sad when I hear their reasons because a lot of them sound like the reasons we avoided welcoming you into our hearts. But I swear to you, baby, we would never hurt you. Most of the time, I feel powerless to help you get here. But Our heavenly Father has given me a little bit of influence when it comes to your friends' arrivals. When I talk to these pregnant women, I wonder if they aren't carrying your future spouse. I wonder if they aren't thinking about ending the life of your best friend or teammate. A lot of the time I want to tell them, "you will never regret your child's life! But if you end their life, you will forever regret the hole in your heart only this baby can fill." I'm not allowed to say those things though. So I try to listen.

And a lot of the time, I hear your voice, "keep fighting for me mommy." And because I know you will care about your peers, I know you want me to fight for them. And even though I have no more say in when you get here, I can fight for you. I can love the mommies and daddies I meet and help them to love the babies they haven't yet met. I can see you in their eyes and in the eyes of the babies I meet. I will keep fighting. I will keep loving. I am already your mommy. I care my sweet baby. I care. Even if I can't show it in the way I want to. I care. And I will answer our heavenly Father's call. Maybe you know when you'll get here. Maybe you don't. Could you pray for me? I am praying for you. I am holding you in my heart. I am seeing you everywhere. I love you.

"I look for you everywhere the stars, the trees, the whispers in the wind the reflections in the water the sunrising and sunset. And I will keep looking."

Anger and a little insight from another blogger

We are all quite familiar with the 

Kubler Ross 5 Stages of Grief, right? I'm confused about the path I've taken. I feel like I've moved through all the stages except anger, which is supposed to be the second stage. But I think it's safe to say, I've finally made my way around to it. I'm so angry at people for pulling away when I need them the most. 

I was reading Amanda's post (she blogs at truegoodandbeautiful) on 'How TO support a loved one facing infertility' and she has such amazing insight. I was particularly struck by by this:

3. Asking us how they can help.

"This really takes boldness, and I really appreciate it when a friend asks this. Infertility is like being on the cross with Jesus. I am totally linked to him. I am well aware that we are asking a LOT of our friends and family to be near us in the struggle. It’s like when Jesus was on the cross - only Mary, John, and a few women stood nearby. It took tremendous amounts of courage to stay by Jesus on the cross and in turn, it takes a lot of courage to ask people to stand with us while we hang on the cross. Most people won’t have the emotional ability to stay with us, and I know that. But those willing to try and stick near us...I treasure with all my heart because they are far and few between."

Read her entire post here: How to support a loved one facing infertility

People often lack the emotional ability to stay with us. This captures in such a clear and simple way exactly what I've been struggling with-exactly what I've felt so angry about. I don't think I have the mental energy to say much more about it right now but I wanted to share it with you nonetheless. I do want to acknowledge that Amanda certainly seems to have a level of acceptance about this that I don't have right now... One day.

One easy way to make another's day

 

It's funny how God can use our greatest defects and turn them into something really beautiful. I'm definitely prone to selfishness (who isn't?) but I really really do struggle with this. I'm very sensitive, which can be both a gift and a curse. When I'm at my best, I'm adept at picking up on the needs and feelings of others and noticing what goes unnoticed by most, but when I'm at my worst I'm so focused on my own upset, my own needs and emotions that I don't see anyone else.

My sensitivity contributes to a strong capacity for self-reflection and introspection. I've been noticing lately how very desperate I feel for affirmation and approval. I literally feel like there's a bottomless pit of need within me, crying out for praise and validation. Even when I do get the accolades I think I'm craving, I rarely feel better. This need for affirmation is not bad in itself. God put this need within all of us and big needs as an adult almost always reflect unmet/inadequately met needs from childhood. This need for affirmation becomes a problem when it leads me to focus on myself instead of God and others. The past few weeks, I've definitely been guilty of this.

I was having a particularly desperate night on Sunday, when I went to pick up some take-out. The teenage boy at the register was very helpful but serious. I had a long list of things I did not want on my food and he went over the order backwards and forwards to make sure he had it right. He must have said something slightly wrong (which I didn't notice) because he apologized and said he was having an off day. I stepped outside of my own grumpiness and told him with a smile how thorough he was in making sure my order was right. He smiled shyly and it was easy to see how much the observation meant to him.

At work, I see a lot of people who are hurting deeply and they often present as angry and jaded. It can be easy to fall into doing the bare minimum with them, but today I pointed out to a client how happy her baby seems when he looks at her, and her abrasive scowl quickly became a beaming smile.

What's important about all of this, is that people just long to be seen- to be noticed. They don't even need praise most of the time. Simply noticing is enough. I'm going to commit myself to pointing out all the little positive- however seemingly trivial- things I notice about the people I meet.

What you can say instead of "everything happens for a reason"

"A response rarely makes something better. What makes something better is connection." The way to build connection is through empathy. Empathy is defined as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another," while sympathy is understood as "feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune."

"Everything happens for a reason" is neither empathetic nor sympathetic. The response misses the mark in terms of conveying any understanding and falls short of demonstrating sorrow for another's pain. Instead, it tries to rationalize someone else's pain.  To rationalize is to "attempt to explain or justify with logical, plausible reasons, even if these are not true or appropriate." In the world of mental health rationalization is viewed as a way of protecting the self against emotional pain. It serves a purpose, but ultimately does more harm than good because it prevents the person from confronting reality and working through the emotions that reality evokes.

Emotions are a form of energy and when they are acknowledged and felt they move through the body and mind, much like a wave they rise and fall. But when they are protected against through rationalization or another defense mechanism, they get trapped within the body and wreak havoc on our health- both physical and mental. The person carrying around unresolved anger (say over the death of a friend) may lash out at the store clerk for making some minor mistake or yell at his wife for cooking the wrong thing for dinner- such "expressions" of anger will never lead to feeling better because they are only a distraction from the real issue- from the true source of the person's emotion, which has been denied or rationalized.

When people say "everything happens for a reason" they're unknowingly suggesting we engage in something that is known to be psychologically harmful. They're also protecting themselves from having to empathize or 'experience with' the hurting person. Perhaps the other's pain is just too overwhelming and unbearable for them to face so they rationalize it away- warding off their own feelings of vulnerability and building a wall around their hearts to the suffering other's vulnerability.

Of course I'm not suggesting any of this is done intentionally, instead it's an automatic unconscious response learned over a lifetime. We can do better but we have to know better. And we have to be intentional about responding differently. The truly helpful response is empathic.

"Empathy is a person's attempt to understand and express the thoughts and feelings of another person" (Rogers, 1959). Here are some basics about how to convey empathy (right out of a textbook).

Lead in phrases:
It seems like you are...
It sounds like...
I get the feeling that you are...
You look...
You seem to be...

Identify the:
Want or desire-- what the other wanted or had hoped for "It sounds like you really wanted that job."

Feeling--sad, mad, happy, afraid, or other variations "you must be sad."

Both the wants and the feeling-- "It sounds like you wanted that job and are sad you didn't get it."

Accompanying behaviors:
voice tone
facial expression
posture and body movements can all convey empathy

Remember, the inclination to rationalize or ward off pain (our own or another's) is a learned behavior. It's taken years to develop and can take years to undo. It is possible to offer others connection instead of rationalization. By making an effort to notice the emotion behind what someone else is saying, we offer them an experience of feeling heard and understood in a way that is felt in the core of their being. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy points out, "we are born to need each other. The human brain is wired for close connection with a few irreplaceable others. Accepting your need for this special kind of emotional connection is not a sign of weakness, but maturity and strength."

"Everything happens for a reason:" Why this statement stings so much: Part 2

In Part I, I wrote about how "everything happens for a reason" cuts off connection. I'd like to reiterate that I'm not suggesting people intend harm when they use this phrase. People want to help, but again this isn't about intention. It's about the reality of what this phrase and others like it communicate to people when they're suffering. 

Reason 2: It's bad theology and nonsense psychology.

It is one thing to suggest that God allows suffering; it is quite another to insinuate that He causes it. The statement, "everything happens for a reason," implies that God is a puppet master causing this and that event "for a reason." It implies that God is "testing us" or "teaching us a lesson."

The Church herself names man as the author of sin. Man sins when he rejects God (Catholic Church 386). The Catechism clearly states that Satan acts in the world and his actions can cause grave injuries- both spiritual and physical. "It is a great mystery that providence should permit diabolical activity, but 'we know that in everything God works for the good with those who love" (Catholic Church 295). See??? It is a great mystery why God permits suffering and He can bring good from the most horrible circumstances. He can bring good from evil. He is not causing evil.

"For Christians, by contrast, the Creator of all things is a perfectly good, perfectly just,¹⁴ and perfectly loving Father. Suffering and death, and all the evils we experience in this life, have their origin in human sin against God our Father. From a Christian point of view, the finger that the atheist points at God, blaming Him for all the suffering we experience, or using our suffering as an argument against God’s existence, is man blaming God, for what man freely did in disobedience to God" (Cross 2009).

 Yes, there is some truth to "everything happens for a reason;" more often than not, the reason for suffering is the reality of living in a fallen world. Sickness and death exist because evil exists- not because God is willing them. 

Do you think God could ever will the abuse of helpless children? St. Paul tells us, "God is love;" abuse is certainly not a reflection of love, and so we know that God could not possibly be the author of it. If the ends never justify the means than God would not will evil in order to 'make us better people'. 

Parents may claim they are beating their children to teach them right from wrong and 'make them better people,' but this behavior is misguided at best- evil at worst. 

Many of the most severe emotional and behavioral problems (ie Borderline Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder) are directly linked to early caregiving experiences where the parent was both the source of the child's fear and the only hope of relief from that fear. I am no theologian, but I know we are called to love as Christ loved. I know that the above mentioned parenting style is not a reflection of Christ's love, and when we imply that God is causing suffering, we are asking others to accept a heavenly father that is the cause of their fear and their only hope for relief from that fear. 

Years of research in the field of psychology and child development tell us that severely abused children blame themselves for their suffering in order to survive emotionally. Even though their parents are the objective source of their pain, they internalize the hurt and come to see themselves, rather than their parents, as bad and evil. Children simply cannot live in a world where their seemingly omnipotent caregiver is the source of pain. It seems their minds are designed to automatically and unconsciously make sense of the experience of fright without solution by seeing themselves as the authors of their own suffering. 

The human mind is, of course, the work of God the Father. Modern psychology and neuroscience are just beginning to tap into the wonders of how this infinitely complex system functions. As Christians, we know that God usually works within the natural order of things. Natural law tells us there are certain things about human nature, which are immutable. It stands to reason then that God would not ask us to accept as truth something that fundamentally contradicts that which is an immutable part of our human nature. 

Just as small children cannot accept their parents as the source of their pain (even when this is indeed the case), adults are psychologically unable to accept their heavenly Father as the source of their suffering. When someone says "everything happens for a reason" and so suggests that God is causing some suffering for a purpose, the human mind is apt to reject the idea- if only on an unconscious level. We're left feeling confused, disorientated and unsatisfied, because we know on some level that God simply could not be the author of our pain. Depending on the state of our emotional and spiritual well-being, we may be able to consciously reject this most absurd suggestion, or we may feel we have no other choice than to convince ourselves of its truth. In the case of the latter, we are bound to become angry and rageful because we are trying to convince ourselves of a truth so out-of-sync with what is written on our hearts. 

Luckily, the Catholic Church, in all her wisdom teaches with clarity that God does not will our suffering. But for whatever reason, we've developed the bad habit of responding to suffering with "everything happens for a reason" and in doing so we are confusing others (and ourselves) about what the church actually teaches, as well as adding to the suffering of others by suggesting they accept all the psychological absurdities the statement implies.  

"Everything happens for a reason:" why this statement stings so much: Part I

I have a lot to say about what's wrong with this statement. Please know, this series is not meant as an attack on anyone that says it. I'm certainly guilty of saying it at one point or another. This series is intended to not only help people understand why not to say it, but also to shed some light on why it stings so much when we hear it. Many people feel a vague sense of sadness or anger when someone responds with "everything happens for a reason" but can't quite put their finger on why it hurts so much.

Reason 1: It shuts down connection.

"A platitude is a trite, meaningless, or prosaic statement, generally directed at quelling social, emotional, or cognitive unease. The word derives from plat, French word for "flat." Platitudes are geared towards presenting a shallow, unifying wisdom over a difficult topic. However, they are too overused and general to be anything more than undirected statements with ultimately little meaningful contribution towards a solution. Platitudes are generally a form of thought-terminating Cliche." -Wikipedia

"Thought-terminating." When I tell someone about our journey and they respond with "everything happens for a reason" they are shutting down the conversation. What does this phrase do other than communicate "everything will be fine" "you don't have a right to feel the way you feel" and "there, there, I have all the answers now just be quiet." This isn't about what their intentions might be. This is about the reality of what that phrase and others like it do to people who are suffering. And the big deal is- they cut off connection. They communicate that the listener is not interested in hearing more about your experience.





Sharing your pain means making yourself vulnerable and making yourself vulnerable means you are taking a risk. "Will I be heard?" "Is this relationship emotionally safe?" We can't know the answers until we try. And so we try. And try. And too often, instead of hearing something empathic from our loved ones like, "I see how much you're hurting right now" or simply, "tell me what's it like for you," we get shut-down/thought-terminated/kicked in the gut by a big fat platitude. 

In the mental health world we know that what is "sharable becomes bearable." The most painful experiences and emotions can be made manageable simply by being able to share them with a empathic person. When I reach out to others and am shut down by one of the above cliches I feel alone in my suffering. When I can share my pain with someone who truly listens, it quite literally allows me to create a place within my own soul where I can cry my heart out. I no longer have to shut down the emotions and the experience because they are made bearable by the empathic ear. 

Just like this amazing and brief YouTube clip explains, "A response rarely makes something better. What makes something better is connection." So please next time your loved one attempts to share their burdens with you, don't try to make it better with a response. Try to connect.

The trick is...

 

 



It's all too easy to get caught up waiting for the next big blessing. If I wasn't married, I'd be longing for marriage. If I didn't have a job that I loved, I'd be longing for that. It's easier said than done to enjoy the present moment, but I think I'm getting better at it. A wise friend once encouraged me to imagine I would wake up tomorrow with only what I thanked God for today. This exercise really helped put things into perspective for me. There is so much I have to be grateful for today and I want to enjoy those things while I have the chance. I know I'm not promised tomorrow.

Best books for adoptive parents

Maybe instead of working all day on my day-off I'll finally check out some adoption books at the library. I suppose I feel strangely avoidant of learning about the challenges of adoption. Maybe I'm not ready for more "challenge." For just a moment, I let myself think, "I just want to be normal. I just want to have a normal life. Why does everything involve so much effort?" And because I'm putting the mindfulness techniques I'm working on in therapy into practice, I won't dwell on the thought, but I notice it. I won't judge it. I won't beat myself for longing for something simpler. 

Things in life have never come easy for me. And maybe that's okay. I think I like where I am right now. And if I have to fight tooth and nail to bring our child home and give him or her the life they deserve, I think I'm okay with that. I notice that longing for normalcy, but I watch it drift away. I want this life- normal or not. 

Best Books for Adoptive Parents

Letting God Love

I thought this was such a beautiful take on the idea I wrote about a couple months ago..."letting God love us." When violence is inflicted on the weak in the name of religion the devil wins: How I left my church and found God in rehab.

The Magic Blanket

I have lots and lots of trouble sleeping. If you've read my other posts you may have noticed. I have always relied on B.enadryl to fall asleep and a few months ago- after years of me asking doctors if it could cause problems with fertility- a nurse at PPVI told me it could interfere with fertile CM. So...I've been trying to eliminate that and have been relying on L.unesta the past couple of months. L.unesta is not meant to be used long term but I'm trying to fight one battle at a time. And I can't really fight if I'm not sleeping so... stopping the L.unesta will have to wait. I've tried all the natural sleeping remedies, some help, some don't, some make the restlessness worse but I have finally found a miracle solution! The 'Magic Blanket.'

The 'Magic Blanket' is a weighted blanket- filled with a bean like material. Mine weighs 12 pounds but they recommend different weights depending on your own height and weight. According to their website- and this is common knowledge among Occupational Therapists- weighted blankets can cause the brain to release more serotonin and dopamine. "These neurotransmitters have calming effects which have proven to be beneficial for people experiencing sensory integration disorder, anxiety, stress, Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, and Rett Syndrome.  It's important to note that The Magic Blanket is not a substitute for care from an occupational therapist or mental health professional."

I am telling you this blanket works wonders! I have never slept so deeply. I've never felt so refreshed during the day. For the first time that I can remember, my brain doesn't feel foggy and my bones don't feel tired and achey. I am in heaven!  I definitely recommend this for anyone with sleep issues, anxiety, etc. 

I saw an Occupational Therapist about a year and a half ago for an assessment. I've always had an extremely limited diet. I've subsisted mostly on various forms of bread and cheese for the majority of my life. Eventually, my husband's knowledgeable aunt, suggested we see an OT for an assessment and possible treatment. I was diagnosed with 'Sensory Defensiveness-' a form of Sensory Processing Disorder. I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read about it, as 1 in 20 people have some form SPD. There are many little changes those SPD can make that can drastically improve quality of life. It's especially important that children with SPD get a diagnosis, as SPD can cause distress in nearly every area of life, leading to low self-esteem and depression.  SPD makes the anti-inflammatory diet especially challenging for me so I've temporarily given up on that. But maybe with this newfound energy from actually sleeping, I'll be able to focus on the diet:-). 

Toddlers, parents, love and God

Disclaimer: this post may seem redundant on the heels of my last post about grief and Christmas stockings. I think my posts end up a little redundant because as God is guiding me toward a particular understanding, I experience it in new ways each day. I see the truth in new ways and new places and it's comforting to me to have a record of the journey. <3

A photo of my 18 month old niece has captured my attention and intrigue. In this photo, she has tears in her eyes and you can tell you she has just been sobbing, but has the cutest most joyful grin, and her face and eyes are all scrunched up- just screaming squeeze me! The photo brings up so many emotions in me. It brings up feelings of love and longing to be able to spend more time with my dear niece who lives far away and I rarely see. It brings up joy that she has so much spunk and personality. It brings feelings of peace and awe at the beauty of her relationship with her mom (my sister) who is such a loving and responsive parent. It captures a moment in time where my niece had just experienced powerful unpleasant emotions- sadness or frustration, perhaps. It tells a story for me: toddler was upset and mom stayed connected and attuned. Eventually, toddler was able to calm down using her mom's loving presence as a way to calm her body and quiet her mind. Because her mom stayed with her in her pain and didn't punish her or try to talk her out of it, or distract her from it- they were able to have the beautiful experience of smiling at one and other after having an emotionally taxing episode for both of them. 

This experience of connecting after a stressful moment/trial in a relationship is key to the health of our marriages, friendships, relationships with children and with God. 

I imagine God to be like the securely attached parent. They stay with their child when the child is overwhelmed by emotion. Sometimes they may offer a hug, a comfort object, or soothing words. The parent will likely be rejected by the upset toddler multiple times. The healthy parent doesn't see this as a rejection of themselves but sees it as a reflection of their child's profound pain and lack of skill in coping with powerful emotions (which is of course developmentally appropriate). The parent simply stays there with the crying child. The child can turn to the parent when they are ready, but the child knows the parent is always there- waiting. The child knows they don't need to earn the parent's love. They know that when they feel scared or overwhelmed by their big feelings their parent will be there with unconditional love. 

God is here for us through our big, scary, overwhelming feelings. He doesn't reject or shame us because we are angry, sad or lonely. Like a good parent, he has expectations and limits for us- pointing us toward more ordered lives, calling us not to act on every emotion and teaching us how to use both reason and emotion to live an ordered life.  He might offer us consolation- through his word, through the sacraments, through the thoughtful action of a friend or stranger. And like the crying toddler we may reject these offers- these expressions of love. In our own state of being flooded by unpleasant emotions, we can reject these most beautiful gifts. But He stays. And He continues to offer the gifts. 

As grownups, we have the capacity and responsibility to choose. Will we let Jesus love us? Or will we push away the gift? Letting others love us and embracing the healthy ebb and flow of all our relationships is key to peace and happiness. Chiara Corbella embodied this so beautifully. Her husband said this about his wife's approach to life after her passing, 

“how beautiful it is to let oneself be loved by God, because if you feel loved you can do anything,” and this is “the most important thing in life: to let yourself be loved in order to love and die happy.”

To let ourselves be loved by God, we have to allow him to stay with us in the ugly times, when we don't feel like connecting, when we feel incapable of connecting. Just invite him there. Tell him you trust him. He doesn't require you to feel loving all of the time. He doesn't even require you to feel trusting. Trust and love are decisions of the will. Even when a parent doesn't feel very loving toward their tantrumming toddler they make a decision to love that child in that moment.  Jesus is just asking you to let him stay. Let him stay with you in your pain and you can experience the beautiful joy of connection, consolation and peace after stress and uncertainty. Just like the mommy and her toddler, He smiles when he sees you smile. He gives you his peace. Tell him you choose him. You choose to suffer with him. Tell him not to leave you. He will stay.

Right now, I'm experiencing many big, scary, emotions- grief, loss, sadness, despair, fear. I think having the clarity around the adoption process has just brought on these difficult emotions. My unconscious mind (and the Holy Spirit) know, I need to process and feel these things before adopting. And so at just the right time, these emotions have come flooding out of me and I'm trying to turn toward Jesus: to place myself in his presence while I cry on the bathroom floor, to use His calm and soothing presence to relax my own body, to take a moment to breathe deeply and imagine his arm around me, to listen to His voice, "be still. I am with you." Even though, I've turned away from his gifts before, He is there, waiting and ready with a big smile when I've finally cried the last tear (of the hour/day/minute:-). I will let myself be loved and in doing so I will love better.

Truth

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. " -Melody Beattie

Understanding the past means a better future

"The way we are treated as small children is the way we will treat ourselves for the rest of our lives." -Alice Miller, For Your Own Good

As a psychotherapist, I see so many people suffer so much even if they are free of significantly negative circumstances or major environmental stressors. Too often the reason for this perpetual suffering is the way they were treated as children. Most people understand that a child who experiences ongoing trauma is going to become an adult who suffers from a great deal of mental and emotional hardship- until they are able to find psychological and spiritual healing, but the majority of people overlook the lasting effects seemingly benign forms of negative parenting can have on an individual. If a parent was physically present but emotionally absent, if a parent implies that a child's worth comes from their achievements or looks (or any quality for that matter), if a parent shows no interest in a how a child is feeling or what they think or mocks a child's expression of emotion, if blind obedience is demanded... these are just a few of the things that can impair a human being's sense of worth and dignity.

Naming this reality doesn't often win me many friends. I am accused of trying to tell other people how to parent when I couldn't possibly imagine what it's actually like to be a parent. Traditional Catholics cry that obedience is required of children, "the Bible says so!" Many who subscribe to popular parenting advice lament that focusing on a child's achievements will result in more achievements (which they reason could only be positive). It's true, I am not yet a parent. I do not claim to fully grasp the realities of parenting. For the purpose of this post, I would like to briefly respond to 2 of these common responses. 1) The obedience issue- for brevity's sake I'd simply like to reference this quote: "Discipline is about making disciples. Disciples choose to follow out of love and trust, not coercion and fear. Parental discipline must also be based in a relationship with so much love and trust that our children choose to learn from us, not from fear of punishment, but because our example is worth following." 2) The achievement issue- Focusing on your child's achievements to the exclusion of their efforts, their feelings, and their thoughts will likely get you an adult that believes their achievements/possessions/looks are what make them a worthwhile person. These people often chase after success unconsciously believing it is the key to feeling loved.

There are no perfect parents. Most - if not all- parents are doing the best they can with what they have. None of us have had perfect childhoods. Of course, our parent's failings are not an excuse for our own failings. As adults we are ultimately responsible for our actions. However, I want to challenge you to take the time to understand your past. Acknowledge the childhood needs that were not met. Admit your parents weren't perfect. If you've suffered abuse please find a good therapist (just like doctors, there are many bad therapists). Consider how the way you were parented might be affecting your sense of self today. Consider how the way you were parented might be shaping or distorting your ideas about God.

I have spent many years in psychotherapy. As a therapist, I have a responsibility to be proactive about my mental health to be able to provide the best possible service to my clients. A therapist who has not worked through their own issues (and everyone has issues) is rendering themselves ineffective. The childhood needs that weren't met in my life were subtle (ie I didn't suffer terrible abuse) but these unmet needs did impact the way I saw myself and impair my ability to form healthy relationships with others. Through therapy and spiritual direction, prayer and the sacraments, I continue to develop a more accurate sense of who I am. Too often Christians suffering from depression or anxiety are told to pray more or otherwise made to feel that their suffering is the result of some spiritual failing. The Catholic Church teaches that we all have intrinsic worth and dignity. Some of us had parents that conveyed this to us- explicitly or implicitly- some of us didn't, and I think it's safe to say none of us had parents that did this perfectly. Turning to Jesus is the most important part of the puzzle but don't deny yourself the human help he wants you to receive.

Resources:
Find a Catholic Therapist
Holistic Women's Mental Healthcare
Christian Counseling/Parenting Resource
A Catholic Guide to Depression
Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints

Physical pain relieved, spiritual pain increases

Surgery left me with more pain than I was expecting and I ended up on a high dose of narcotics for a month or so. Stopping the pain pills was a challenge of its own. Thanks be to God, I never developed a psychological addiction to the medication but I did develop a physical dependence on it. When I stopped taking it- despite my efforts to gradually reduce the dose- I developed withdrawal symptoms. I barley slept for 7-10 days, I had a racing heart, restless legs- essentially I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack for over a week. I did some research on the neurochemistry of narcotic withdrawals and it seems the symptoms are caused by an excess of norepinephrine, which plays a key role in the body's fight or flight response. This would explain my panicky feelings. The week spent getting through the withdrawal was hell. As a mental health professional, I like to think I have empathy for those struggling with addiction, but this experience undoubtedly gave me a new perspective. I realized I am very guilty of taking the struggles of those dealing with addiction for granted. I've been quick to blame addiction on a moral failing or a lack of will power. Though addiction is a complex problem, the physical component is very real and very powerful. The severity of withdrawal symptoms is related to the length of time the substance was used, and the time I was on narcotics was relatively short. I cannot imagine dealing with more intense symptoms than what I experienced. I found myself thinking, "I completely understand why people take their own lives." It was that bad. And I know it is a million times worse for so many others. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted the terrible feeling of my heart and mind racing to stop and there was little to nothing I could do about it. My doctor did agree to prescribe Clonidine- a medication commonly used to curb the anxiety caused by opioid withdrawal- but lucky me, the medication only increased my symptoms. I am finally feeling better and very grateful for it, but I'm struggling with feeling as though I've come unglued. Throughout the struggles of the past month, I've neglected my prayer life. I feel guilty and overwhelmed by the degree to which I've failed. I know God brought me through this struggle but I don't understand why God is allowing me to feel so spiritually discouraged right now...

He will restore

Satan is attacking my marriage on all fronts. Even our Christian therapist seems to have succumb to the influence of the evil one.  He agreed 6 months ago to read a book that summarizes the Catholic understanding of human sexuality.  He still hasn't read it. I expressed my concern about his lack of follow through and lack of knowledge regarding the basics of my dearly held beliefs (an essential aspect of doing good pyschotherapy).  He said, "I don't have an in-depth understanding of Catholicism nor do I desire to." I gave him a chance to correct his blunder. "Help me understand what you meant by that," I said. And he responded, "I do not have an in-depth understanding of Catholicism nor do I desire to."
That is an absolutely absurd and unprofessional response from a mental health "professional".  He needed to acknowledge my concern and address it directly. His desire or lack thereof to do anything has no place in our therapy. He is supposed to be the professional and decent professionals make an effort to be culturally competent- meaning they educate themselves on their clients' beliefs and culture. No one is asking him to study the Cathechism. He just needs to know a couple basics that are essential to the issues we are working on in therapy. After 7 months of not feeling heard by this person I am paying big money to just listen to me, I have made the scary decision to terminate our couple's work with him and find a new therapist. This was a huge leap of faith because it took an act of God to get my husband to agree to therapy in the first place. "Starting over" with someone else is going to mean a lot more work for us. I'm trying to pray for the grace to forgive this therapist. I feel so angry and let down right now.

The devil wants me to focus on the problem- to continue to obsess about this person's unprofessionalism, wasted time and money, hurt, etc but this just detracts from my focus on my marriage and the Lord's desire to bring us healing.

 This is what's speaking to my heart today.