Letting God Love

I thought this was such a beautiful take on the idea I wrote about a couple months ago..."letting God love us." When violence is inflicted on the weak in the name of religion the devil wins: How I left my church and found God in rehab.

Hope

Nearly every cycle this past year, I had ultrasounds which showed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not ovulating. Though getting this news every month was disappointing, the certainty of the bad news offered protection. The past year, I never had to face the 2WW. I didn't even take more than a couple pregnancy tests all year (compared to probably 30+ tests the year before).

The past 12 months I've been busy building a wall around my heart. I know things won't work out and so I don't have to feel the let-down when things do indeed "not work out." This month there were no ultrasounds- only half-assed charting. My charting showed I was not ovulating and yet without that proof from an ultrasound that I've grown so used to having, I let myself hope. Hope that we may just be pregnant.

Conversation with girlfriends this weekend only got my hopes up further. "Everything can go wrong in a cycle and you can still get pregnant. It's all up to God in the end," was the take-away from the conversation.

I had been feeling unusually tired the past couple weeks. I was super-close to CD 28 and I wasn't noticing the usual pre-AF cramping... could it be? Was God trying to tell me something through my friend?

I let myself fall into this all-to familiar monologue of gathering evidence for pregnancy. And then... the spotting began.

I have never been so upset by AF before. For the first time in along time, I allowed myself to grieve the child that might have been. I cried. And cried. And thanks be to God, my husband held me. All I could think of was Rachel crying out "Give me children or I shall die." I didn't understand where all the pain was coming from. It just felt like I could be swallowed up by it at any moment.

And then I finally opened an email a friend sent me the other week:

"They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength." -Isaiah 40:31, RSV-CE

How do we wait for something we need so badly, something we know for certain is God's will, and something that we just can't live another day without? We must wait patiently and confidently, not complaining. To do otherwise would be to insult God by displaying a lack of faith in His ability to deliver. We renew our strength by "waiting" for the Lord (Is 40:31, RSV-CE).

The Hebrew word translated as "wait" or "hope" in Isaiah 40:31 can mean to twist together, as cords of a rope are intertwined. In our waiting, then, we wrap ourselves around the Lord and He wraps Himself around us. When discouraging forces pull at us, we are not pulled apart. Instead, like strands of a rope, we and the Lord are pulled more tightly together and grow in strength. We never "come to the end of our rope" because the Lord has roped us tightly into His presence.

"Hence do not grow despondent or abandon the struggle" (Heb 12:3). Stay focused on Jesus (Heb 12:2) and confident in Him. Don't even move an inch out of your position of hope. 

And I have to believe that even if it means pain and grief and monthly loss- God wants me to hope right now. And ultimately if my hope for a child remains unfulfilled- it will not have been in vain. At the end of this road, I hope you will find me firmly intertwined with Our Lord- wailing and grieving maybe- but wrapped in His arms standing firm in hope.

The Magic Blanket

I have lots and lots of trouble sleeping. If you've read my other posts you may have noticed. I have always relied on B.enadryl to fall asleep and a few months ago- after years of me asking doctors if it could cause problems with fertility- a nurse at PPVI told me it could interfere with fertile CM. So...I've been trying to eliminate that and have been relying on L.unesta the past couple of months. L.unesta is not meant to be used long term but I'm trying to fight one battle at a time. And I can't really fight if I'm not sleeping so... stopping the L.unesta will have to wait. I've tried all the natural sleeping remedies, some help, some don't, some make the restlessness worse but I have finally found a miracle solution! The 'Magic Blanket.'

The 'Magic Blanket' is a weighted blanket- filled with a bean like material. Mine weighs 12 pounds but they recommend different weights depending on your own height and weight. According to their website- and this is common knowledge among Occupational Therapists- weighted blankets can cause the brain to release more serotonin and dopamine. "These neurotransmitters have calming effects which have proven to be beneficial for people experiencing sensory integration disorder, anxiety, stress, Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, and Rett Syndrome.  It's important to note that The Magic Blanket is not a substitute for care from an occupational therapist or mental health professional."

I am telling you this blanket works wonders! I have never slept so deeply. I've never felt so refreshed during the day. For the first time that I can remember, my brain doesn't feel foggy and my bones don't feel tired and achey. I am in heaven!  I definitely recommend this for anyone with sleep issues, anxiety, etc. 

I saw an Occupational Therapist about a year and a half ago for an assessment. I've always had an extremely limited diet. I've subsisted mostly on various forms of bread and cheese for the majority of my life. Eventually, my husband's knowledgeable aunt, suggested we see an OT for an assessment and possible treatment. I was diagnosed with 'Sensory Defensiveness-' a form of Sensory Processing Disorder. I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read about it, as 1 in 20 people have some form SPD. There are many little changes those SPD can make that can drastically improve quality of life. It's especially important that children with SPD get a diagnosis, as SPD can cause distress in nearly every area of life, leading to low self-esteem and depression.  SPD makes the anti-inflammatory diet especially challenging for me so I've temporarily given up on that. But maybe with this newfound energy from actually sleeping, I'll be able to focus on the diet:-). 

Misha's Story

As my posts suggest, I've been struggling in my relationship with Jesus lately. I've felt so distant, so numb. I've wrote a bit about letting God love us this past month, and for whatever reason in the past week, more details about a very important moment in my life came back to me. I've written about the moment God made it clear to me adoption was part of his plan for us. The story I heard on the radio that day was about a little boy in an orphanage- that was the main point, the biggest thing God was trying to communicate to me at that point (I thought). And so, as months and years have passed since that day, I lost track of what the story was actually about. But with all this talk I've been doing about letting God love us, it occurred to me that that story I heard so long ago, the one that had impacted me so much, had a little something to do with letting Jesus love us. I didn't remember the specifics, but I contacted the amazing people at Relevant Radio (with my vague description of the story) and they promptly sent me 'Misha's Story.' The little orphan who God used to help me see my own call to adoption, had yet another lesson to teach me...

MISHA’S STORY

In 1994, two Americans answered an invitation from the Russian Department of Education to teach Biblical morals and ethics in their public schools. They were invited to teach at prisons, businesses, fire and police departments, and then a large orphanage housing about a hundred boys and girls—and here’s that story:

“It was nearing the holiday season and time for the orphans to hear, for the first time, the traditional story of Christmas. We told them about Mary and Joseph arriving in Bethlehem, finding no room in the inn and going to a stable where the baby Jesus was born and placed in a manger.

“The children and orphanage staff listened in amazement. We gave the children three small pieces of cardboard to make a crude manger, and each child was given a small paper square, cut from yellow napkins that I had brought with me. No colored paper was available in the city.

“Following instructions, the children tore the paper and carefully laid strips in the manger for straw. Small squares of flannel, cut from a worn-out nightgown an American lady was throwing away as she left Russia, were used for the baby’s blanket. A doll-like baby was cut from tan felt that we had brought from the United States.

“I walked around to see if they needed any help, and I came to Misha. He looked about 6 years old, and in the little boy’s manger was not one, but two babies. I called the translator to ask him why there were two. Crossing his little arms in front of him, Misha repeated the story he had heard very seriously, and very accurately, until he came to the part where Mary put the baby Jesus in the manger—and then Misha started to ad-lib.

“He made up his own ending, and he said, ‘And as Maria laid the baby in the manger, Jesus looked at me and asked me if I had a place to stay. I told him I have no mamma and no papa, so I don’t have a place to stay. Then Jesus told me I could stay with him, but I told him I couldn’t because I didn’t have a gift to give him like everybody else did. But I wanted to stay with Jesus very much, so I thought about what I had that maybe I could use for a gift. I thought maybe, if I kept him warm, that would be a good gift.

“‘So I asked Jesus - if I keep you warm, will that be a good enough gift? And Jesus told me, ‘If you keep me warm, that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me.’ ‘So I got into the manger, and then Jesus looked at me and he told me that I could stay with him – always.’

“As little Misha finished his story, his eyes brimmed full of tears that splashed down his little cheeks. Putting his hand over his face, his head dropped to the table and his shoulders shook as he sobbed and sobbed. The little orphan had found someone who would never abandon or abuse him, someone who would stay with him – for always.

From Glen's Story Corner, Relevant Radio

"Everything happens for a reason": not helpful and not true

Disclaimer- I'm looking forward to sharing my thoughts and experiences with you regarding this topic, but first I want to share this amazing post from another blog. I found it while researching for my own post on the topic. It is a MUST READ. This is not written by a Catholic but based on my understanding of the faith there is nothing here that contradicts the teaching of the Church. If I'm wrong please do let me know. 

That's NOT in the Bible! "Everything happens for a reason" (Romans 8:28, Genesis 50:20)

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good.

This series is called “That’s NOT in the Bible,” and each week, we’ve looked at a phrase or saying that might sound like it comes from the Bible, gets quoted like it’s from the Bible, and some people might actually think does come from the Bible that’s not actually in there. However, it really is true that if you torture the Bible long enough, you can get it to say just about anything!

Trey Warren asked me earlier this week which myth we were going to bust today. And you know, Myth Busters might have been a more accurate title for this series, but we’re into it now and it’s already been published. Besides, the name “Myth Busters” belongs to some other group, and I don’t have the budget for pyrotechnics they do.

Most of these sayings are little morsels of worldly wisdom, passing themselves off as Godly wisdom. Many of them are sorta true, to a point, in the right light, in the right context, but as we’ve seen, they just don’t quite cut it, because God offers us so much more. My hope is that through this series, we’ll all get plenty of food for thought and see how God works far beyond and far more than just what the world offers. Take out your sermon notes as we look at and beyond today’s phrase, “Everything happens for a reason.” May we pray.

Thursday night is date night in our home. This week, it happened to coincide with Charlotte Restaurant Week, making an exciting list of possibilities for us. We decided well in advance that we would go to the Melting Pot in Huntersville, and Ashley would make the reservations. However, as happens to so many of us, my beloved wife got distracted by the cares of the world, and forgot. And so, we did not go to the Melting Pot for dinner on Thursday night.

However, on Thursday afternoon, two friends of ours called. They had tickets for that night’s performance of Madama Butterfly, but he had gotten ill and they wouldn’t be able to use the tickets. Did we want them? We said sure, and enjoyed our date night at the opera instead of the Melting Pot and just between us, I got off cheap this week!

Now, you could easily say, “God must have intended for you to go to the opera instead of the Melting Pot.” Depending on what you think about an evening at the opera, you could even say that was our punishment for forgetting to make the reservations! Still, think about the implications of what that’s really saying.

For one thing, God must have screwed with Ashley’s memory so she would forget to call and make the reservation. Then, God must have caused our friend to get ill and start vomiting. Apparently, God cared so much about making sure that we got to the opera that night that God made our friend get sick, just so we could go. And so, if everything happens for a reason, that’s great for us, but from our friend’s perspective, God is sortof a jerk, and honestly, Ashley would prefer to have her memory instead of stumbling into this good fortune!

Further, saying “everything happens for a reason” is the wrong moral of the story - it places God in the story in the wrong spot. The real story here is not about how everything works out, it’s that we have some amazingly kind and generous friends who were thinking of others even when their day wasn’t going so great. They said, “OK, clearly our day is not going to go as planned. We are not going to get to enjoy the fun thing we have planned. But, these seats shouldn’t go to waste. Even though we can’t enjoy them, someone else still can.”

So no - the evening didn’t go exactly as planned, either for us or for our friends. Even so, God is not found in the orchestrating of events that cause Ashley to be forgetful and someone to get sick all for the purpose of sending us to the opera. Rather, God is found in bonds of friendship and an act of generosity, and in redeeming good out the jaws of brokenness.

When you think about it, redeeming good out of the jaws of brokenness is something God’s been doing all along. We worship a God who brings resurrection from crucifixion, who defeats death with new life, who overcomes sin with eternal life. It is not that God wills calamity or death or destruction - no, in fact, God desires just the opposite. And yet, even though God is not the author of these evils, God is at work in those hard places for good purposes.

That’s what happens in the story of Joseph. Joseph, not the father of Jesus, but the Old Testament character whose story is told over the last 15 chapters of the book of Genesis. It’s a great story - go home and read it this afternoon! In a nutshell, Joseph is the favored of 12 sons of Jacob, who spoils him and causes the other brothers to resent him. The other brothers sell him as a slave to some passing merchants, who in turn sell him to the captain of the guard in Egypt. Through an interesting turn of events that include an encounter with a married woman with a raging libido - a cougar, perhaps, time in prison, and some dream interpretation, Joseph ends up in charge of the affairs of the nation of Egypt - sort of how we might understand a governor in our day. Because of what he saw in the king’s dream, predicting seven years of bumper crops followed by seven years of famine, Joseph devises a plan to store away the excess grain in the good years so it will last through the lean years. He ends up providing an invaluable service not only to the people of Egypt but to neighboring countries as well, ensuring that everyone has the food they need.

Hearing there is food in Egypt, Joseph’s brothers travel there, and that’s where they have an ironic family reunion, realizing that the brother they hated so much they sold him into slavery is now the one who will literally decide where their next meal will come from. However, Joseph’s disposition toward his brothers is summed up in the verse we read earlier from the 50th chapter of Genesis: “Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20a).

We live in a world where bad things happen, but we are certain God didn’t do them because of who we know God to be. In a variety of ways, the Scriptures tell us over and over again that God is Love. In fact. if you remember nothing else today, just go home with the knowledge that God is Love. That’s the starting point - the reality that God is Love is the trump card in our understanding of God. Love is the framework from which God operates. It would make no sense for God to visit calamity upon God’s children “for a reason” because God is love. If something isn’t rooted in love, then we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it didn’t come from God. God is Love. Period. God is ALWAYS Love. Period.

Yes, we live in a world where bad stuff happens. In the enduring words of Forrest Gump, “It happens.” And when it does, God’s heart breaks for the evil this world - and we who live in it - are capable of committing. Just because something bad is taking place doesn’t mean that it’s happening for a reason, and it especially doesn’t mean that God did it. No, like a good and loving parent, God is weeping right along with us, grieving as we are grieving, hurt by the very things that cause pain to us. Look around - and you don’t have to look far - to places where people are hurting, and you’ll discover that God is also hurting in those places. God is not a masochist, deriving pleasure from inflicting pain on God’s self, nor is God a sadist, getting a kick out of the pain of others. God is Love, and God’s will is ever-directed to his children’s good.

Honestly, I don’t know why we say things like “Everything happens for a reason.” Perhaps it numbs us to the pain that is present in the lives of so many. Perhaps it helps us find meaning in the midst of difficulty. Perhaps it gives us the illusion that we understand and are in control of things our feeble human minds will never understand. But - and here’s the dangerous part - it too easily allows us our minds to make God the author of suffering and the perpetrator of evil.

The phrase “everything happens for a reason” leads us to a place of mistaken identity about who God is. As we blame God for things God hasn’t done, we may get mad at God or turn away from God, when we need to be saying, “God, I am in a real mess, and I need you more now than ever, and I need you to take this difficulty and redeem it for good. I give it to you, and if there’s anything good to come out of this, please find it.” Saying “everything happens for a reason” keeps us from this honest, raw, and healing place with God.

Looking back, Joseph realized that the horrible, painful, and inexplicable things he experienced, not least of which was being sold into slavery by his own brothers, were not done by God. That’s not the role God plays in the story. Rather, God says, “Given these circumstances, what you’ve had to endure, the things that have been done to you, the atrocities you faced that were so far outside my will, outside my desire for you - in light all of these things, what would be best for you?” Even as our circumstances may change moment-by-moment, God’s will is always for whatever is best for us. Do you see how different that is than simply saying “Everything happens for a reason”? One view makes God a monster. The other is rooted in the reality that God is Love, an all-powerful healer whose will is ever-directed toward our good.

I close with some thoughts on this subject from Dr. Ben Witherington, the Amos Professor of New Testament at Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, KY. He wrote the following earlier this week, just two weeks after his 32-year-old daughter die, completely unexpectedly, of a pulmonary embolism. He writes:

>> I was determined from Day One to be open to whatever positive thing there might be to glean from this. I cling by my fingernails to the promise of Romans 8:28 that “God works all things together for good for those who love him….”

The first point that was immediately confirmed in my heart was theological: God did not do this to my baby. God is not the author of evil. God does not terminate sweet children’s lives with pulmonary embolisms. Pulmonary embolisms are a result of human fallenness and the bent nature of this world.

One of the primary reasons I am not a Calvinist and do not believe in such predestinings from the hand of God is (1) because I find it impossible to believe that I am more merciful or compassionate than God. Also, (2) the Biblical portrait of God is that God is pure light and holy love; in him there is no darkness, nothing other than light and love. (3) The words “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away,” from the lips of Job, are not good theology. They’re bad theology. According to Job 1, it was not God, but the Devil who took away Job’s children, health and wealth. God allowed it to happen, but when Job said these words, as the rest of the story shows, he was not yet enlightened about the true nature of where his calamity came from and what God’s will actually was for his life — which was for good, and not for harm.

So, for me, the beginning of good grief starts with the premise of a good God. Otherwise, all bets are off. If God is almighty and malevolent, then there is no solace to be found in God. If God is the author of sin, evil, suffering, the fall, and death, then the Bible makes no sense when it tells us that (1) God tempts no one, that (2) God’s will is that none should perish but have everlasting life, and that (3) death is the very enemy of God and humankind that Jesus, who is life, came to abolish and destroy.

“He came that we might have life and have abundantly.” If there are promises I cling to, as I weep for my sweet Christy, it is this promise, not the sorry solace and cold comfort of “God did this but we do not know why.” No. A thousand times, no! God and his will are always and only for what is good, and true, and beautiful, and loving, and holy.

As I stared at my baby in the casket — who did not even resemble herself at that juncture — I was so thankful that the God of the resurrection had a better plan for her than that cold comfort that “It’s all God’s will.” I believe in a God whose Yes to life is louder than death’s No — not because God likes to hold [contradictions] like life and death together in some sort of mysterious unity, but because God is in the trenches with us, fighting the very same evils we fight in this world, like disease, decay, death, suffering, sorrow and sin.

They don’t call him the Great Physician for nothing. He too took the Hippocratic Oath: “Do no harm.” >>

What does all this mean? Listen carefully. If something happens that causes harm, or distress, or disease, or decay, or death, if something happens that leads someone into a future that has no hope, if something happens that is not fundamentally rooted in love, then it is not from God. Period. End of story.

Yet even though God didn’t do it, God can still work in it, and use it, and if there is any good to be found, God will find it. No matter how bleak the situation, God can and will work to bring good out of it. God is not inflicting pain on God’s children, God is not tempting us, God is not testing us. Even in the worst we might go through, no matter how much we hurt, God is there with us, loving us with the calm assurance that in life, in death, in life beyond death, we are not alone. God is with us!

Reposted From: AJ Thomas That's not in the bible! Everything happens for a reason

Toddlers, parents, love and God

Disclaimer: this post may seem redundant on the heels of my last post about grief and Christmas stockings. I think my posts end up a little redundant because as God is guiding me toward a particular understanding, I experience it in new ways each day. I see the truth in new ways and new places and it's comforting to me to have a record of the journey. <3

A photo of my 18 month old niece has captured my attention and intrigue. In this photo, she has tears in her eyes and you can tell you she has just been sobbing, but has the cutest most joyful grin, and her face and eyes are all scrunched up- just screaming squeeze me! The photo brings up so many emotions in me. It brings up feelings of love and longing to be able to spend more time with my dear niece who lives far away and I rarely see. It brings up joy that she has so much spunk and personality. It brings feelings of peace and awe at the beauty of her relationship with her mom (my sister) who is such a loving and responsive parent. It captures a moment in time where my niece had just experienced powerful unpleasant emotions- sadness or frustration, perhaps. It tells a story for me: toddler was upset and mom stayed connected and attuned. Eventually, toddler was able to calm down using her mom's loving presence as a way to calm her body and quiet her mind. Because her mom stayed with her in her pain and didn't punish her or try to talk her out of it, or distract her from it- they were able to have the beautiful experience of smiling at one and other after having an emotionally taxing episode for both of them. 

This experience of connecting after a stressful moment/trial in a relationship is key to the health of our marriages, friendships, relationships with children and with God. 

I imagine God to be like the securely attached parent. They stay with their child when the child is overwhelmed by emotion. Sometimes they may offer a hug, a comfort object, or soothing words. The parent will likely be rejected by the upset toddler multiple times. The healthy parent doesn't see this as a rejection of themselves but sees it as a reflection of their child's profound pain and lack of skill in coping with powerful emotions (which is of course developmentally appropriate). The parent simply stays there with the crying child. The child can turn to the parent when they are ready, but the child knows the parent is always there- waiting. The child knows they don't need to earn the parent's love. They know that when they feel scared or overwhelmed by their big feelings their parent will be there with unconditional love. 

God is here for us through our big, scary, overwhelming feelings. He doesn't reject or shame us because we are angry, sad or lonely. Like a good parent, he has expectations and limits for us- pointing us toward more ordered lives, calling us not to act on every emotion and teaching us how to use both reason and emotion to live an ordered life.  He might offer us consolation- through his word, through the sacraments, through the thoughtful action of a friend or stranger. And like the crying toddler we may reject these offers- these expressions of love. In our own state of being flooded by unpleasant emotions, we can reject these most beautiful gifts. But He stays. And He continues to offer the gifts. 

As grownups, we have the capacity and responsibility to choose. Will we let Jesus love us? Or will we push away the gift? Letting others love us and embracing the healthy ebb and flow of all our relationships is key to peace and happiness. Chiara Corbella embodied this so beautifully. Her husband said this about his wife's approach to life after her passing, 

“how beautiful it is to let oneself be loved by God, because if you feel loved you can do anything,” and this is “the most important thing in life: to let yourself be loved in order to love and die happy.”

To let ourselves be loved by God, we have to allow him to stay with us in the ugly times, when we don't feel like connecting, when we feel incapable of connecting. Just invite him there. Tell him you trust him. He doesn't require you to feel loving all of the time. He doesn't even require you to feel trusting. Trust and love are decisions of the will. Even when a parent doesn't feel very loving toward their tantrumming toddler they make a decision to love that child in that moment.  Jesus is just asking you to let him stay. Let him stay with you in your pain and you can experience the beautiful joy of connection, consolation and peace after stress and uncertainty. Just like the mommy and her toddler, He smiles when he sees you smile. He gives you his peace. Tell him you choose him. You choose to suffer with him. Tell him not to leave you. He will stay.

Right now, I'm experiencing many big, scary, emotions- grief, loss, sadness, despair, fear. I think having the clarity around the adoption process has just brought on these difficult emotions. My unconscious mind (and the Holy Spirit) know, I need to process and feel these things before adopting. And so at just the right time, these emotions have come flooding out of me and I'm trying to turn toward Jesus: to place myself in his presence while I cry on the bathroom floor, to use His calm and soothing presence to relax my own body, to take a moment to breathe deeply and imagine his arm around me, to listen to His voice, "be still. I am with you." Even though, I've turned away from his gifts before, He is there, waiting and ready with a big smile when I've finally cried the last tear (of the hour/day/minute:-). I will let myself be loved and in doing so I will love better.

Truth

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. " -Melody Beattie