Today is our 3rd Anniversary. We are dealing with several very difficult issues- the evil one attacking our marriage in many ways- beyond infertility. I have been doubting, doubting, doubting God's plan for my life. Today, I spoke with a nurse practitioner at PPVI and learned that I had not one but 2 LUFs this cycle. This makes for at least 6 cycles of LUFs out of my 8 months post-surgery. The NP made it quite clear to me that this situation is quite "rare" even in the IF world and that the only treatments left to try cost thousands a month. I just wanted to share that I cried hysterically following my phone call with the NP but surprisingly even upon reflection, I don't think I cried out of sadness. Of course, there was some grief behind my tears, but more than anything, I think I cried from a place of awe, wonder and humility.
I've alluded to this before, but at the beginning of our IF journey God made it very clear to me we would be parents, first, through adoption. At this time our Reproductive Endocrinologist was telling us, I was healthy and we would conceive naturally within a year. I had every "rational" reason to be hopeful that we would soon be biological parents.
I told my spiritual director that I felt like I was getting so many signs from God about adoption, but I worried I was reading too much into things. He reminded me that God is always speaking to us but often our hearts are too hard to hear what he is saying. He encouraged me to be sensitive to the signs I was perceiving. Immediately following our meeting, I heard one of my favorite programs on our local Catholic radio station. Perhaps some of you have heard 'Glen's Story Corner' on Relevant Radio. I seldom get to hear it live because I'm usually at work when it airs. But this day was different. As I heard the usual intro tune, I quickly thanked God for the gift of hearing this delightful program that morning and said aloud, "this is my sign, if this is about parenting, infertility, anything... this is my sign... just let me know what our next steps are God." (Glen's story corner is a 2-3 minute program that tells parables that can be about literally anything). The story that day was about a little boy in an orphanage. I began to sob. God was telling me adoption was our next step, but it made no rational sense at the time.
Tonight I weep, because I am in awe of the perfect and beautiful "sense" God always makes. Today I got to experience the sensation of catching just a tiny glimpse of God's plan. Two years ago everyone thought I was crazy when I said adoption was the route for us. I see now with new clarity just why this is His plan for us and fall to my knees in wonder that He has revealed just a hint of the gorgeous masterpiece that is His plan for our lives. Thank you Jesus, for reminding me, again, that your plans are better than my dreams.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Unanswered prayers
I can't type those words 'unanswered prayers' without immediately hearing the country tune "...some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." How true those words ring as I reflect upon my short time spent on this earth. In high school despite being a relatively "normal" girl, I never had a boyfriend (until the last 3 months of senior year but that's for another post). All my friends were dating and many in "serious" relationships. I felt lonely, hopeless, unattractive- defective. How I prayed that God would just send me a boyfriend-someone to love me and care about me. Despite my pleading, Prince Charming never showed during those 4 long years of high school.
I chose a University based on little more than intuition and a "good feeling." I was determined to surrender my obsessive focus on finding a man and focus on what our culture likes to call finding yourself. During this time of "not caring about boys" I met my husband. He pursued me. He respected me. He loved me. He. agreed. to. wait. for. marriage. You see, at this point I was not practicing my faith and yet I passionately clung to the Catholic Church's teaching that sex was for marriage. Looking back, I am so profoundly grateful that God didn't send me my much-longed-for-boyfriend back in high school. I know I would have succumb to the pressure to "just do it" at that point in my life, if it was in the context of what my teenage mind viewed as a "serious relationship." Instead, God held out for a gift far greater than what I had in mind. He gave me a husband not a boyfriend. He gave me not just someone to love me but someone that would love me unconditionally.
More recently, I faced the challenge of finding employment in my field. I work in a very liberal profession yet I have many orthodox convictions. I was always somewhat of a fish out of water in my college and grad-school courses, but I "just knew" I wanted to pursue this profession. After graduation it seemed there were no jobs in sight. The jobs whose qualifications I did meet usually reported hiring someone that far exceeded their minimum qualifications. There were just too many qualified professionals looking for work. But just like in high school it seemed -in my mind- that I was the only one who wasn't getting hired (from my grad school cohort). I decided to take a job outside of my field while I waited for the right career opportunity to present itself. I went on several traumatizing interviews. I would get so nervous before an interview I wouldn't sleep for days. I'd obsessively research the organization and even more obsessively re-read entire chapters of text books pertaining to the potential job. I even tried using anti-anxiety meds to calm down the day of an interview. None of this got me. any. where. During this time in my life, I went through a gradual return to my faith. I prayed novenas that I would get this job or that job. Until one day the.perfect.job. seemed to fall out of the sky and into my lap. The organization didn't even know their ad for an opening was still being run. They had already finished interviewing. They. still. wanted. to. meet. me. I opted to ditch the anti-anxiety meds and instead prayed to the Holy Spirit for peace and guidance. And then by an act of divine providence, I got the job! This was a job that would allow me to use my degree from my liberal field and still fulfill a mission that is at the core of my traditional values. This was in every sense of the word- my dream job- although I never knew a job this perfect existed! And I never would have gotten it if I was otherwise occupied in one of the many other jobs I had so fervently prayed to get.
And now as I stare the 18th month of infertility in the face, I am tempted to think again, "but I'm the only one." Yes, it seems that babies are everywhere and that everyone (including long-term pill users) are showing up pregnant. I am tempted to think how much better my life would be if I just had my way. I am tempted to justify to God the desires of my heart. But I know now- more than ever- that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I know His plan for my life is beautiful and will bring forth many fruits if I cooperate with Him. I think about Our Blessed Mother. What if she had told God no? Nevermind the threat of death she faced by becoming pregnant out of wedlock, what if she had said, "but God... I am supposed to marry this great guy- Joseph- and we hope to have many children together and...I really will be a good mother I want to have lots of kids not just one." We know that Mary was born without original sin. Her love of God and her desire to do His will was perfect. We- carrying the stain of original sin- struggle to imitate Our Mother who so perfectly embraced the Father's plan. As I struggle, it comforts me to know that God desires to bring about the conversion of many souls through my life- as he desires for the lives of all His children. It comforts me to know that God has an important and divine plan for my life. It shakes me to the core to realize that Our Mother said, "yes" and so allowed the world to receive our King. How am I saying "no" to God by telling him directly or indirectly that my plans are better. I know now, thanks to unanswered prayers, that His plans are better than my dreams. Jesus I trust in you.
I chose a University based on little more than intuition and a "good feeling." I was determined to surrender my obsessive focus on finding a man and focus on what our culture likes to call finding yourself. During this time of "not caring about boys" I met my husband. He pursued me. He respected me. He loved me. He. agreed. to. wait. for. marriage. You see, at this point I was not practicing my faith and yet I passionately clung to the Catholic Church's teaching that sex was for marriage. Looking back, I am so profoundly grateful that God didn't send me my much-longed-for-boyfriend back in high school. I know I would have succumb to the pressure to "just do it" at that point in my life, if it was in the context of what my teenage mind viewed as a "serious relationship." Instead, God held out for a gift far greater than what I had in mind. He gave me a husband not a boyfriend. He gave me not just someone to love me but someone that would love me unconditionally.
More recently, I faced the challenge of finding employment in my field. I work in a very liberal profession yet I have many orthodox convictions. I was always somewhat of a fish out of water in my college and grad-school courses, but I "just knew" I wanted to pursue this profession. After graduation it seemed there were no jobs in sight. The jobs whose qualifications I did meet usually reported hiring someone that far exceeded their minimum qualifications. There were just too many qualified professionals looking for work. But just like in high school it seemed -in my mind- that I was the only one who wasn't getting hired (from my grad school cohort). I decided to take a job outside of my field while I waited for the right career opportunity to present itself. I went on several traumatizing interviews. I would get so nervous before an interview I wouldn't sleep for days. I'd obsessively research the organization and even more obsessively re-read entire chapters of text books pertaining to the potential job. I even tried using anti-anxiety meds to calm down the day of an interview. None of this got me. any. where. During this time in my life, I went through a gradual return to my faith. I prayed novenas that I would get this job or that job. Until one day the.perfect.job. seemed to fall out of the sky and into my lap. The organization didn't even know their ad for an opening was still being run. They had already finished interviewing. They. still. wanted. to. meet. me. I opted to ditch the anti-anxiety meds and instead prayed to the Holy Spirit for peace and guidance. And then by an act of divine providence, I got the job! This was a job that would allow me to use my degree from my liberal field and still fulfill a mission that is at the core of my traditional values. This was in every sense of the word- my dream job- although I never knew a job this perfect existed! And I never would have gotten it if I was otherwise occupied in one of the many other jobs I had so fervently prayed to get.
And now as I stare the 18th month of infertility in the face, I am tempted to think again, "but I'm the only one." Yes, it seems that babies are everywhere and that everyone (including long-term pill users) are showing up pregnant. I am tempted to think how much better my life would be if I just had my way. I am tempted to justify to God the desires of my heart. But I know now- more than ever- that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I know His plan for my life is beautiful and will bring forth many fruits if I cooperate with Him. I think about Our Blessed Mother. What if she had told God no? Nevermind the threat of death she faced by becoming pregnant out of wedlock, what if she had said, "but God... I am supposed to marry this great guy- Joseph- and we hope to have many children together and...I really will be a good mother I want to have lots of kids not just one." We know that Mary was born without original sin. Her love of God and her desire to do His will was perfect. We- carrying the stain of original sin- struggle to imitate Our Mother who so perfectly embraced the Father's plan. As I struggle, it comforts me to know that God desires to bring about the conversion of many souls through my life- as he desires for the lives of all His children. It comforts me to know that God has an important and divine plan for my life. It shakes me to the core to realize that Our Mother said, "yes" and so allowed the world to receive our King. How am I saying "no" to God by telling him directly or indirectly that my plans are better. I know now, thanks to unanswered prayers, that His plans are better than my dreams. Jesus I trust in you.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Fighting the battle from the city
The world tells us to do what makes us happy. Hate the way you look? Get plastic surgery. Marriage not meeting your expectations? Get a divorce. Don't like the way someone's treating you? Tell them off- Real Housewive's style. The idea of sacrifice is lost on our modern 'enlightened' society. Life's all about doing what makes us happy after all. And so we pursue happiness. We work longer hours to make enough money for the bigger house and the nicer car. We put-off marriage until we've lived our 20's to the fullest- taking advantage of our 'freedom' by staying out every weekend until 2am and dating (and sleeping) around. When we do decide to settle down, we delay child-bearing until we have achieved the success we yearn for in our careers. When something doesn't go our way- when we're laid off from the company we've given the last 5 years of our lives to or when our spouse fails to meet our expectations- we tend to view these things as assaults on our happiness. "I deserve to be happy," we tell ourselves.
And so for those of us struggling with infertility life can seem like an endless punishment. Babies -who don't call us mommy -appear to be EVERYWHERE. Our Facebook newsfeeds slap us in the face each morning when that slutty girl we knew in highschool announces her 3rd pregnancy or our husband's (un-wed) ex proudly displays her baby-bump. The temptation toward self-pity is very real. "Why me?" we think.
What if instead of asking "why me?" we asked, "why not me?" What if instead of focusing on being happy, we focused on being holy. I recently read that a Christian who isn't willing to suffer for virtue is like a soldier who desires a hero's welcome after remaining in the city while the army fights the battle in the country. Christians who desire to be patient, loving, humble and meek but who question "why me?" every time God allows some suffering into their life are like the soldier who wishes to fight the battle from the city. If we desire to be holy, we need to develop virtue. We develop virtue by embracing the suffering God permits in our life and allowing his grace to flow through us. We cannot grow in holiness or virtue by running from suffering. He who wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me (Matt 16:24-25).
And so, as I grieve for the 12th month, the dreams that were not realized, the child that is not in my arms, the barren womb that feels like a rock within me- a constant reminder of what may never be- I feel the warm embrace of an all loving, all merciful Father. I know the joy of embracing and accepting His will for me.
And so for those of us struggling with infertility life can seem like an endless punishment. Babies -who don't call us mommy -appear to be EVERYWHERE. Our Facebook newsfeeds slap us in the face each morning when that slutty girl we knew in highschool announces her 3rd pregnancy or our husband's (un-wed) ex proudly displays her baby-bump. The temptation toward self-pity is very real. "Why me?" we think.
What if instead of asking "why me?" we asked, "why not me?" What if instead of focusing on being happy, we focused on being holy. I recently read that a Christian who isn't willing to suffer for virtue is like a soldier who desires a hero's welcome after remaining in the city while the army fights the battle in the country. Christians who desire to be patient, loving, humble and meek but who question "why me?" every time God allows some suffering into their life are like the soldier who wishes to fight the battle from the city. If we desire to be holy, we need to develop virtue. We develop virtue by embracing the suffering God permits in our life and allowing his grace to flow through us. We cannot grow in holiness or virtue by running from suffering. He who wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me (Matt 16:24-25).
And so, as I grieve for the 12th month, the dreams that were not realized, the child that is not in my arms, the barren womb that feels like a rock within me- a constant reminder of what may never be- I feel the warm embrace of an all loving, all merciful Father. I know the joy of embracing and accepting His will for me.
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