It's the little things

This was in my inbox today:

"Dear --- and ---,

------ Services has approved your preliminary application for the Domestic Infant adoption program. ---- agrees that children need loving Christian homes, and thank you for your interest in adoption. Your $50 preliminary application fee has been paid and your name has been added to the waiting list for the Domestic Infant Program. We will notify you, once you are invited to proceed with the next step in the application process."

I know we have a long road ahead of us and I am just marveling in the miracle of this first step. I've been waiting 2 years for this day. My heart is so at peace. We are one stepper closer to holding our precious child in our arms.  

Understanding the past means a better future

"The way we are treated as small children is the way we will treat ourselves for the rest of our lives." -Alice Miller, For Your Own Good

As a psychotherapist, I see so many people suffer so much even if they are free of significantly negative circumstances or major environmental stressors. Too often the reason for this perpetual suffering is the way they were treated as children. Most people understand that a child who experiences ongoing trauma is going to become an adult who suffers from a great deal of mental and emotional hardship- until they are able to find psychological and spiritual healing, but the majority of people overlook the lasting effects seemingly benign forms of negative parenting can have on an individual. If a parent was physically present but emotionally absent, if a parent implies that a child's worth comes from their achievements or looks (or any quality for that matter), if a parent shows no interest in a how a child is feeling or what they think or mocks a child's expression of emotion, if blind obedience is demanded... these are just a few of the things that can impair a human being's sense of worth and dignity.

Naming this reality doesn't often win me many friends. I am accused of trying to tell other people how to parent when I couldn't possibly imagine what it's actually like to be a parent. Traditional Catholics cry that obedience is required of children, "the Bible says so!" Many who subscribe to popular parenting advice lament that focusing on a child's achievements will result in more achievements (which they reason could only be positive). It's true, I am not yet a parent. I do not claim to fully grasp the realities of parenting. For the purpose of this post, I would like to briefly respond to 2 of these common responses. 1) The obedience issue- for brevity's sake I'd simply like to reference this quote: "Discipline is about making disciples. Disciples choose to follow out of love and trust, not coercion and fear. Parental discipline must also be based in a relationship with so much love and trust that our children choose to learn from us, not from fear of punishment, but because our example is worth following." 2) The achievement issue- Focusing on your child's achievements to the exclusion of their efforts, their feelings, and their thoughts will likely get you an adult that believes their achievements/possessions/looks are what make them a worthwhile person. These people often chase after success unconsciously believing it is the key to feeling loved.

There are no perfect parents. Most - if not all- parents are doing the best they can with what they have. None of us have had perfect childhoods. Of course, our parent's failings are not an excuse for our own failings. As adults we are ultimately responsible for our actions. However, I want to challenge you to take the time to understand your past. Acknowledge the childhood needs that were not met. Admit your parents weren't perfect. If you've suffered abuse please find a good therapist (just like doctors, there are many bad therapists). Consider how the way you were parented might be affecting your sense of self today. Consider how the way you were parented might be shaping or distorting your ideas about God.

I have spent many years in psychotherapy. As a therapist, I have a responsibility to be proactive about my mental health to be able to provide the best possible service to my clients. A therapist who has not worked through their own issues (and everyone has issues) is rendering themselves ineffective. The childhood needs that weren't met in my life were subtle (ie I didn't suffer terrible abuse) but these unmet needs did impact the way I saw myself and impair my ability to form healthy relationships with others. Through therapy and spiritual direction, prayer and the sacraments, I continue to develop a more accurate sense of who I am. Too often Christians suffering from depression or anxiety are told to pray more or otherwise made to feel that their suffering is the result of some spiritual failing. The Catholic Church teaches that we all have intrinsic worth and dignity. Some of us had parents that conveyed this to us- explicitly or implicitly- some of us didn't, and I think it's safe to say none of us had parents that did this perfectly. Turning to Jesus is the most important part of the puzzle but don't deny yourself the human help he wants you to receive.

Resources:
Find a Catholic Therapist
Holistic Women's Mental Healthcare
Christian Counseling/Parenting Resource
A Catholic Guide to Depression
Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints

Miracles do happen

No I'm not pregnant but I am absolutely elated! After 27 months of infertility and 23 months since I asked my husband to consider adoption, he has finally agreed to submit our prelimiary application!   Nearly 13 months ago, I was recovering from my 2nd surgery to treat endometriosis (my 1st surgery with PPVI). The news we received was nothing short of devastating. Despite having had surgery only 8 months before, I had Stage IV endo along with PCOS and endometritis. Of course the doctors were telling us that with treatment they were hopeful we would be able to conceive, and my husband seemed convinced this would be the case.

All I could think about during this recovery was our child's birth mother. I felt an indescribable spiritual pull to pray for this woman that I didn't know- to pray for a situation no one else really believed was plausible. I had a few very holy friends who seemed to understand the depth of what I was experiencing, but many seemed to dismiss me with comments like, "it hasn't been that long. You don't need to think about adoption," or "maybe God just wants you to say yes to adoption and then he'll allow you to conceive." Ughhh. These comments hurt so deeply. So few people could understand. But this all made perfect sense to me. Many months earlier, I first received clarity about our call to adoption and now, in the midst of such bad news about my health, God was calling me, not to pray for healing or conception, but to pray for a woman I didn't know. This was the kind of thing that my spiritual director said has to be from the Holy Spirit. My simple and selfish mind could not be the origin of such a thought. I yearn to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I want to see my husband's face when I show him a positive pregnancy test. I want to know what it feels like to see your child for the first time on an ultrasound monitor. I want to delight in seeing my husband's traits in our children. I long for biological parenthood- this is true. But... I have an indescribable pull toward adoption- one that has been constant and unrelenting throughout 27 months of medical treatment.

I had been following the advice of many wise people in my life- to avoid "nagging" my husband about adoption- to trust that if God put adoption on my heart, He would work on my husband's heart as well. I've struggled these past 2 years to keep my mouth shut about it. We've had about 5 conversations about it. I admit, I was always the one to bring it up, but I tried to be discerning about it. Last night, I felt prompted to mention it gently, and my husband said we could submit our application! I talked to the agency today and they have a 2-6 month waiting list before we can even submit the official application and begin the home study process. This will be a long road but I am so excited about the possibilities that lay before us. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." And we've finally taken that step. Pray for us!

Truth

From 'Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach'

Myth: "It must be God's will."

Fact: This is right up there with "Everything happens for a reason." It's a trite cliche that does more harm than good. God did not create infertility and doesn't punish people with it. God does not desire infertility or any kind of suffering for us. Infertility is solely the result of one or more things going wrong with the human reproductive system. Infertility is such a spiritual battle anyway, please don't imply that fighting infertility is going against God's will. God desires healing and fullness of life for his children.

Physical pain relieved, spiritual pain increases

Surgery left me with more pain than I was expecting and I ended up on a high dose of narcotics for a month or so. Stopping the pain pills was a challenge of its own. Thanks be to God, I never developed a psychological addiction to the medication but I did develop a physical dependence on it. When I stopped taking it- despite my efforts to gradually reduce the dose- I developed withdrawal symptoms. I barley slept for 7-10 days, I had a racing heart, restless legs- essentially I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack for over a week. I did some research on the neurochemistry of narcotic withdrawals and it seems the symptoms are caused by an excess of norepinephrine, which plays a key role in the body's fight or flight response. This would explain my panicky feelings. The week spent getting through the withdrawal was hell. As a mental health professional, I like to think I have empathy for those struggling with addiction, but this experience undoubtedly gave me a new perspective. I realized I am very guilty of taking the struggles of those dealing with addiction for granted. I've been quick to blame addiction on a moral failing or a lack of will power. Though addiction is a complex problem, the physical component is very real and very powerful. The severity of withdrawal symptoms is related to the length of time the substance was used, and the time I was on narcotics was relatively short. I cannot imagine dealing with more intense symptoms than what I experienced. I found myself thinking, "I completely understand why people take their own lives." It was that bad. And I know it is a million times worse for so many others. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted the terrible feeling of my heart and mind racing to stop and there was little to nothing I could do about it. My doctor did agree to prescribe Clonidine- a medication commonly used to curb the anxiety caused by opioid withdrawal- but lucky me, the medication only increased my symptoms. I am finally feeling better and very grateful for it, but I'm struggling with feeling as though I've come unglued. Throughout the struggles of the past month, I've neglected my prayer life. I feel guilty and overwhelmed by the degree to which I've failed. I know God brought me through this struggle but I don't understand why God is allowing me to feel so spiritually discouraged right now...

Some bumps in the road to healing

Since my surgery last month, I have been having lots of trouble sleeping. For the first few days post-op I was waking up, literally 15 times a night because it felt like I needed to empty my bladder, but I never really had to. I've dealt with this before and part of the issue is the endo on my bladder. I think the other issue is the large ovarian cyst I have crowding things down there and causing something to press on my bladder. So I called the doctor and she prescribed Ditropan- for overactive bladder. It cured the constant urge to pee, but I was still wide awake at night. I call again. Now they prescribe Visteral- a prescription antihistamine commonly used to treat anxiety and help promote sleep. I had literally 0 response to the medicine. I call again (the doctor's cell phone this time because it's a Saturday- I'm very blessed to have such an accessible doctor!). He tells me to double the Visteral dose. Again, my body doesn't respond. Wide awake. Thinking. Staring. Planning my escape from the padded room they will likely lock me in soon, if I continue down this path a day longer... so finally, I give in to my own rules about xanax and I take the darned .25mg the doctor prescribed me awhile back for acute anxiety. I know it helps me sleep, but I hate taking it because it has the potential to be habit forming. So for the past few nights, after clearing the plan with my doctor, I've been taking 100mg of Visteral along with 0.25-0.50 mg of Xanax.

Then I notice a creepy red, itchy rash right under my bra line on the side of my torso. I don't think much of it and put hydrocortisone on it to help the itching. When it seems to be getting worse the next day, I decide I better go see the doctor. I'm scheduled to have major surgery in 7 days, and I assume a rash all over my abdomen would be problematic. On the way to the doctor, I worked myself into a frenzy that I had scabies- creepy little bugs that burrow under your skin. To my great relief- the rash was not a bug infestation, but it was Shingles. It seems very odd considering this is common in the elderly. What's with my body?

The doctor said it was likely triggered by stress. Anyone that has had chickenpox can develop shingles. It has something to do with the old viral cells staying in your body. She thought the insomnia episode was likely what sent my immune system over the edge. She gave me Lunesta to take for sleep instead of the Xanax. The Lunesta worked yesterday and now today it is not working which is I am typing the monotous details of this ordeal at 12:30 am.

Have any of you had shingles? Any tips? Praise God, I have no pain! Only itching and discomfort.

Dr. P says this should not interfere with my surgery next week, since I started anti-viral meds yesterday. I am worried that my healing from surgery may be compromised because of my already overloaded immune system. Does anyone have any immune boosting tips? Tips on promoting optimal healing after surgery?

Or tips on sleep???? FYI I already take LDN, magnesium, valerian, tried benedryl, tried melatonin, tried 5-htp...

He'll find you in the hurricane

There's an awesome thunderstorm here tonight. During a similar storm this July, my husband suggested we sit outside and watch it roll in. I was pleasantly surprised by his spontaneity and thoughtful desire to spend time together. We sat around our patio table as we watched the dark clouds grow closer. As the storm progressed, we were both getting drenched, and my husband looked at me with his mischievous grin and said, "I thought it'd be more lightning and less rain." I oh so wittily replied, "are you referring to the storm or our marriage?"  We both had a good laugh. 

Marriage seems to be one momentous battle after another for us. We thought it'd be more exciting, more awe-inspiring, more passionate. Instead, it has often felt like getting pelted sideways by gusts of rain. Despite this, we are committed. We are determined. And thanks in large part to the living faith of so many women in this online community, I can see the beauty in the storm. And now, instead of drawing any more tired/cheesy parallels, I'll leave you with the song stuck in my head today. <3.