One of those days

I was supposed to take my trigger shot by 3pm today, which meant bringing everything with me to work. 3pm roles around and I go through the usual prep routine and then I can't get the stupid needle through my skin! I've done this at least 10 times before. Why in the world isn't it working?!? I kept trying and was bleeding from like 5 different spots before I called the nurses at PPVI- well, I bypassed their line and asked the office manager to let me talk to one of them ASAP. The nurse walked me through the procedure and told me to be more forceful, etc- all to no avail. I told her I'd done these injections plenty of times and never had  trouble so it must be the needle.

By this time it was 3:45 and I was well passed the deadline for the shot. I had no other needles with me at work so I left early to go home and use a different needle. But as it turns out, K.ubats had not included any needles for the HCG in this months package. I was totally SOL. I eventually got the right needles from W.algreens after K.ubats called them for me, but I ended up doing the shot nearly 2 hours late. The new needle went through with no issue, so beware there are dud needles!!!! I would not have guessed that was possible but I'm relieved to know I'm not losing my touch.

On top of that, while I was walking the 4 blocks from my office to my car, I slid down a 2 foot pile of snow and abruptly landed on my tush and bruised my tail-bone. At least 3 people saw me and only one stopped to see if I was okay, but didn't help me up or anything. I was carrying the prepared HCG injection in a container with ice and everything went everywhere! It was a miracle the injection didn't spill or break.

I also learned from PPVI today that my thyroid numbers are still crappy. My T3 is 67 and the healthy range is 70-150 (I think) and my T3 -Reverses T3 ratio is 2.7 and they want it to be greater than 10. When I first started t3 supplements 2 years ago, I think my ratio was 3, so not only has mine not improved by it's a little worse. They wanted me to increase my T3 dose but last time I tried that I had extreme anxiety (racing heart and pulse) so I am absolutely not jumping to the dose they recommended because that feeling is awful.

My husband was a super-hero and made me a gin and tonic as soon as I got home and went to the pharmacy for me to pick up the new needles. I took a hot bath to calm my nerves and soothe my bruised tail-bone. I was pleasantly surprised to get a call from the K.ubats pharmacist apologizing for not sending the needles and letting me know they were refunding the full cost of the HCG! I was not expecting that.

All these little things seem so embarrassingly trivial. I could be ashamed to admit I let all this get to me. Sometimes though, it's the little things about IF that can really kick you in the gut. And then I think of St. Therese and how all these little things can be transformed into beautiful roses before the thrown of our Lord if we bear them with love and patience. I hope I can get better at that. Today just reminded me how far I have to go on the path to sainthood. Sometimes I feel like IF has made me more selfish. Oh how I have a lot to learn.

A step in the right direction

My mom started reading a book our adoption agency recommended for extended family members: In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know. She says she's really enjoyed it so far and that she's learning a lot. She also bought a copy for my siblings to pass amongst themselves. I'm very grateful for the effort she is putting forth to learn how she can be helpful. The littlest things can make the biggest difference.

I haven't read the book myself, but if you're pursuing adoption my mom reccomends it for your extended family:).

And they have a website! In On Adoption.com

Adopt-A--Blogger (Thank you!)

I feel so blessed that the Holy Spirit led Blessed to Be to choose me as February's Adopt-A-Blogger! Just today, I realized how desperately in need of God's grace I am right now. I've been relying pretty heavily on my own power the past few months and it's left me quite bitter and broken. How quickly God answered my prayer for more grace, love and support!

My DH and I have been married 3 1/2 years. We were blessed enough to find the Creighton Model before we were married and my regular cycles led me to believe I was "super fertile" and would have no trouble getting pregnant so we delayed TTC so I could attend all my bests friends' weddings without having to worry about avoiding alcohol or fitting into my bridesmaids dresses. Yep, I was pretty clueless.

Fast-forward to our 1 year anniversary and we were ready to TTC. I quickly realized something wasn't right and aggressively pursued treatment. After being dismissed- even written off as "in need of a therapist" (which I already had:-))- by several doctors, I was referred to an amazing OBGYN. Only a couple weeks later,  he performed my first laparoscopy and diagnosed Stage 3 endometriosis. The diagnosis was a tremendous relief, but to our great disappointment, this surgery would not be enough to allow us to conceive. I've since had 5 more surgeries to treat severe endometriosis, endometritis and mild PCOS with the wonderful doctors at PPVI Institute. My most recent surgery was October 2013.

After much prayer, God has led us to begin the adoption process, even as we continue treatment for our infertility. We are currently on a waiting list to begin the home-study process and I started Neupogen shots to treat chronic LUFS this cycle.

Like so many of you, all I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. My DH wrote in his 6th grade assignment that he wanted to be "a dad" when he grew up. My heart aches with longing for the day that I'll be able to share the news that his lifelong dream has come true. For now, God has led me to counseling women in crisis pregnancies, and though I remain tremendously grateful for the opportunity to serve the Lord in this way, I yearn for the day where I can "raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of His glory in the world to come."

In addition to your prayers for the blessing of parenthood, prayers for our spiritual union as husband and wife are greatly needed! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. You will all be in mine as well. <3.

Letting God Love

I thought this was such a beautiful take on the idea I wrote about a couple months ago..."letting God love us." When violence is inflicted on the weak in the name of religion the devil wins: How I left my church and found God in rehab.

Hope

Nearly every cycle this past year, I had ultrasounds which showed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not ovulating. Though getting this news every month was disappointing, the certainty of the bad news offered protection. The past year, I never had to face the 2WW. I didn't even take more than a couple pregnancy tests all year (compared to probably 30+ tests the year before).

The past 12 months I've been busy building a wall around my heart. I know things won't work out and so I don't have to feel the let-down when things do indeed "not work out." This month there were no ultrasounds- only half-assed charting. My charting showed I was not ovulating and yet without that proof from an ultrasound that I've grown so used to having, I let myself hope. Hope that we may just be pregnant.

Conversation with girlfriends this weekend only got my hopes up further. "Everything can go wrong in a cycle and you can still get pregnant. It's all up to God in the end," was the take-away from the conversation.

I had been feeling unusually tired the past couple weeks. I was super-close to CD 28 and I wasn't noticing the usual pre-AF cramping... could it be? Was God trying to tell me something through my friend?

I let myself fall into this all-to familiar monologue of gathering evidence for pregnancy. And then... the spotting began.

I have never been so upset by AF before. For the first time in along time, I allowed myself to grieve the child that might have been. I cried. And cried. And thanks be to God, my husband held me. All I could think of was Rachel crying out "Give me children or I shall die." I didn't understand where all the pain was coming from. It just felt like I could be swallowed up by it at any moment.

And then I finally opened an email a friend sent me the other week:

"They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength." -Isaiah 40:31, RSV-CE

How do we wait for something we need so badly, something we know for certain is God's will, and something that we just can't live another day without? We must wait patiently and confidently, not complaining. To do otherwise would be to insult God by displaying a lack of faith in His ability to deliver. We renew our strength by "waiting" for the Lord (Is 40:31, RSV-CE).

The Hebrew word translated as "wait" or "hope" in Isaiah 40:31 can mean to twist together, as cords of a rope are intertwined. In our waiting, then, we wrap ourselves around the Lord and He wraps Himself around us. When discouraging forces pull at us, we are not pulled apart. Instead, like strands of a rope, we and the Lord are pulled more tightly together and grow in strength. We never "come to the end of our rope" because the Lord has roped us tightly into His presence.

"Hence do not grow despondent or abandon the struggle" (Heb 12:3). Stay focused on Jesus (Heb 12:2) and confident in Him. Don't even move an inch out of your position of hope. 

And I have to believe that even if it means pain and grief and monthly loss- God wants me to hope right now. And ultimately if my hope for a child remains unfulfilled- it will not have been in vain. At the end of this road, I hope you will find me firmly intertwined with Our Lord- wailing and grieving maybe- but wrapped in His arms standing firm in hope.

The Magic Blanket

I have lots and lots of trouble sleeping. If you've read my other posts you may have noticed. I have always relied on B.enadryl to fall asleep and a few months ago- after years of me asking doctors if it could cause problems with fertility- a nurse at PPVI told me it could interfere with fertile CM. So...I've been trying to eliminate that and have been relying on L.unesta the past couple of months. L.unesta is not meant to be used long term but I'm trying to fight one battle at a time. And I can't really fight if I'm not sleeping so... stopping the L.unesta will have to wait. I've tried all the natural sleeping remedies, some help, some don't, some make the restlessness worse but I have finally found a miracle solution! The 'Magic Blanket.'

The 'Magic Blanket' is a weighted blanket- filled with a bean like material. Mine weighs 12 pounds but they recommend different weights depending on your own height and weight. According to their website- and this is common knowledge among Occupational Therapists- weighted blankets can cause the brain to release more serotonin and dopamine. "These neurotransmitters have calming effects which have proven to be beneficial for people experiencing sensory integration disorder, anxiety, stress, Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, and Rett Syndrome.  It's important to note that The Magic Blanket is not a substitute for care from an occupational therapist or mental health professional."

I am telling you this blanket works wonders! I have never slept so deeply. I've never felt so refreshed during the day. For the first time that I can remember, my brain doesn't feel foggy and my bones don't feel tired and achey. I am in heaven!  I definitely recommend this for anyone with sleep issues, anxiety, etc. 

I saw an Occupational Therapist about a year and a half ago for an assessment. I've always had an extremely limited diet. I've subsisted mostly on various forms of bread and cheese for the majority of my life. Eventually, my husband's knowledgeable aunt, suggested we see an OT for an assessment and possible treatment. I was diagnosed with 'Sensory Defensiveness-' a form of Sensory Processing Disorder. I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read about it, as 1 in 20 people have some form SPD. There are many little changes those SPD can make that can drastically improve quality of life. It's especially important that children with SPD get a diagnosis, as SPD can cause distress in nearly every area of life, leading to low self-esteem and depression.  SPD makes the anti-inflammatory diet especially challenging for me so I've temporarily given up on that. But maybe with this newfound energy from actually sleeping, I'll be able to focus on the diet:-). 

Misha's Story

As my posts suggest, I've been struggling in my relationship with Jesus lately. I've felt so distant, so numb. I've wrote a bit about letting God love us this past month, and for whatever reason in the past week, more details about a very important moment in my life came back to me. I've written about the moment God made it clear to me adoption was part of his plan for us. The story I heard on the radio that day was about a little boy in an orphanage- that was the main point, the biggest thing God was trying to communicate to me at that point (I thought). And so, as months and years have passed since that day, I lost track of what the story was actually about. But with all this talk I've been doing about letting God love us, it occurred to me that that story I heard so long ago, the one that had impacted me so much, had a little something to do with letting Jesus love us. I didn't remember the specifics, but I contacted the amazing people at Relevant Radio (with my vague description of the story) and they promptly sent me 'Misha's Story.' The little orphan who God used to help me see my own call to adoption, had yet another lesson to teach me...

MISHA’S STORY

In 1994, two Americans answered an invitation from the Russian Department of Education to teach Biblical morals and ethics in their public schools. They were invited to teach at prisons, businesses, fire and police departments, and then a large orphanage housing about a hundred boys and girls—and here’s that story:

“It was nearing the holiday season and time for the orphans to hear, for the first time, the traditional story of Christmas. We told them about Mary and Joseph arriving in Bethlehem, finding no room in the inn and going to a stable where the baby Jesus was born and placed in a manger.

“The children and orphanage staff listened in amazement. We gave the children three small pieces of cardboard to make a crude manger, and each child was given a small paper square, cut from yellow napkins that I had brought with me. No colored paper was available in the city.

“Following instructions, the children tore the paper and carefully laid strips in the manger for straw. Small squares of flannel, cut from a worn-out nightgown an American lady was throwing away as she left Russia, were used for the baby’s blanket. A doll-like baby was cut from tan felt that we had brought from the United States.

“I walked around to see if they needed any help, and I came to Misha. He looked about 6 years old, and in the little boy’s manger was not one, but two babies. I called the translator to ask him why there were two. Crossing his little arms in front of him, Misha repeated the story he had heard very seriously, and very accurately, until he came to the part where Mary put the baby Jesus in the manger—and then Misha started to ad-lib.

“He made up his own ending, and he said, ‘And as Maria laid the baby in the manger, Jesus looked at me and asked me if I had a place to stay. I told him I have no mamma and no papa, so I don’t have a place to stay. Then Jesus told me I could stay with him, but I told him I couldn’t because I didn’t have a gift to give him like everybody else did. But I wanted to stay with Jesus very much, so I thought about what I had that maybe I could use for a gift. I thought maybe, if I kept him warm, that would be a good gift.

“‘So I asked Jesus - if I keep you warm, will that be a good enough gift? And Jesus told me, ‘If you keep me warm, that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me.’ ‘So I got into the manger, and then Jesus looked at me and he told me that I could stay with him – always.’

“As little Misha finished his story, his eyes brimmed full of tears that splashed down his little cheeks. Putting his hand over his face, his head dropped to the table and his shoulders shook as he sobbed and sobbed. The little orphan had found someone who would never abandon or abuse him, someone who would stay with him – for always.

From Glen's Story Corner, Relevant Radio