"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
Reflections from January 2013: I just sat next to a married couple in their 50s on my flight home from Florida. The woman shared with me that her daughter-in-law (due with their first grandchild this month) worked for Planned. Parenthood. Eeek. I struggled to hide my horror. Based solely on the fact that she did not cut-off all conversation with me I believe my poker-face is improving. PP is the largest "provider" of abortions in the country and since their founding in 1921, when they went by the name the American Birth Control League, they have worked tirelessly to systematically eliminate those that they view as "unfit," that is unfit to live. Their eugenic roots are well documented and even their current executives exalt the work of their founder Margaret. Sanger. Sanger used the terms "human weeds,' 'reckless breeders,' 'spawning... human beings who never should have been born," in reference to the poor, to immigrants, to African Americans and to Catholics. She wrote in the Birth Control Review that the purpose of promoting birth control was "to create a race of thoroughbreds" (1921) and to achieve the ends of "more children from the fit, less from the unfit" (1919). (Learn more here: Planned Parenthood and Eugenics.)
As our conversation progressed, she shared that her daughter - not to be confused with aforementioned daughter-in-law- had been trying to conceive for over a year and that she had recently seen a reproductive endocrinologist. Per this woman's report, her daughter has PCOS and IVF was presented as the only solution. At this point, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to share a bit about my own situation. "My husband and I have been struggling with infertility as well," I told her. "I actually just had surgery to treat endometriosis and PCOS. I was visiting family in Florida to cap off 6 weeks of post-surgery healing."
Not surprisingly this woman responded with the predictable well-meaning, yet ignorant, "Why don't you just do IVF?" I gently stated that because we are Catholic, IVF is not an option for us. I try not to say "we don't believe in IVF" because I think that can come across as if we don't believe it ever works or we don't believe it's real or we don't believe in science. When I say it's not an option, I know I run the risk of sounding rule-obsessed, but my hope is to be clear. This isn't based on some magical/illogical/irrational "belief." Our decision not to pursue IVF is based on an accurate understanding of human dignity and worth. My entire life is grounded in my understanding of the inherent worth and dignity of every human life. A belief can be wrong. Facts are facts. Fact: Human life begins at conception. Fact: IVF leads to the destruction and disregard of newly created human lives. IVF is not an option because it is an assault on my way of being in the world. It is an assault on truth and beauty and human dignity. Just doing IVF would amount to just compromising intrinsic moral truths written on every human heart.
I don't have many- if any- readers so I am not afraid to be candid. I understand that someone who disagrees with me is likely to come across this post and to feel offended. I don't condemn anyone who has pursued IVF. I desire everyone to know the fullness of the truth and to experience the radiant light of God's love. I have made decisions inconsistent with the truth in the past. I will undoubtedly make mistakes again in the future. I do not claim to be "better" than anyone. I desire to walk in the light of truth and sometimes this means calling a lie a lie-even if it means others feelings will be hurt. It is my experience that most couples who choose IVF simply do not know there is another way. They don't know the reality of what takes place and they don't have an accurate understanding of what constitutes a human life.
But I digress... As my conversation with this woman continued I tried to steer the conversation away from a debate about IVF to a talk about the beauty of adoption. I told this perfect stranger that I felt very called to adoption and that my husband and I would be blessed to be able to grow our family this way. I could barely get the words out before she hit me with this doozy,"you and your husband are obviously very intelligent people. It would be a shame for you to not have your own."
Seriously?! Was I hearing this? This woman who considered herself "tolerant" was telling me that because I seemed intelligent it was all the more important to have biological children?! Not to mention the implication that adopted children would not be "mine." Do I judge this woman? Her heart? Her standing with God? No. I am not claiming to know the state of her soul so please don't condemn me for "judging." What I do know, however, is that each human life is as valuable as the next. Every child is unique and unrepeatable. God has a beautiful and brilliant plan for every soul. As far as I'm concerned genetic traits like skin color, athletic ability, and intelligence are trivial. They may contribute to your experience in the world but they have nothing to do with your worth. That's what this Planned Parenthood supporting, IVF-loving lady was missing, my husband and I may be intelligent but this doesn't point to the importance of having "our own," rather, our intellect gives us the capacity to know truth- the truth that all children are beautiful. All children are wanted. No children will ever be "ours," but all children belong to God.
Maybe you're wondering what my Planned Parenthood rant in the beginning has to do with all of this. Maybe you're not. Do you see the connection between PP's eugenic agenda and this woman's comments? I don't know that I can capture the link succinctly so I'll let you draw your own conclusions. For now, I pray for all children without loving homes. I pray for the unborn and for all women and couples facing difficult pregnancies. I pray for all birthmothers. I pray for our future child's birthmother. I pray that our country will one day uphold the value of all human life. I pray that the child destined to be "ours" through the blessing of adoption will not be aborted because someone at PP thinks her mother is not "intelligent" enough to have the right to procreate. Our Lady of Guadeloupe, Pray for us!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
He will restore
Satan is attacking my marriage on all fronts. Even our Christian therapist seems to have succumb to the influence of the evil one. He agreed 6 months ago to read a book that summarizes the Catholic understanding of human sexuality. He still hasn't read it. I expressed my concern about his lack of follow through and lack of knowledge regarding the basics of my dearly held beliefs (an essential aspect of doing good pyschotherapy). He said, "I don't have an in-depth understanding of Catholicism nor do I desire to." I gave him a chance to correct his blunder. "Help me understand what you meant by that," I said. And he responded, "I do not have an in-depth understanding of Catholicism nor do I desire to."
That is an absolutely absurd and unprofessional response from a mental health "professional". He needed to acknowledge my concern and address it directly. His desire or lack thereof to do anything has no place in our therapy. He is supposed to be the professional and decent professionals make an effort to be culturally competent- meaning they educate themselves on their clients' beliefs and culture. No one is asking him to study the Cathechism. He just needs to know a couple basics that are essential to the issues we are working on in therapy. After 7 months of not feeling heard by this person I am paying big money to just listen to me, I have made the scary decision to terminate our couple's work with him and find a new therapist. This was a huge leap of faith because it took an act of God to get my husband to agree to therapy in the first place. "Starting over" with someone else is going to mean a lot more work for us. I'm trying to pray for the grace to forgive this therapist. I feel so angry and let down right now.
The devil wants me to focus on the problem- to continue to obsess about this person's unprofessionalism, wasted time and money, hurt, etc but this just detracts from my focus on my marriage and the Lord's desire to bring us healing.
This is what's speaking to my heart today.
That is an absolutely absurd and unprofessional response from a mental health "professional". He needed to acknowledge my concern and address it directly. His desire or lack thereof to do anything has no place in our therapy. He is supposed to be the professional and decent professionals make an effort to be culturally competent- meaning they educate themselves on their clients' beliefs and culture. No one is asking him to study the Cathechism. He just needs to know a couple basics that are essential to the issues we are working on in therapy. After 7 months of not feeling heard by this person I am paying big money to just listen to me, I have made the scary decision to terminate our couple's work with him and find a new therapist. This was a huge leap of faith because it took an act of God to get my husband to agree to therapy in the first place. "Starting over" with someone else is going to mean a lot more work for us. I'm trying to pray for the grace to forgive this therapist. I feel so angry and let down right now.
The devil wants me to focus on the problem- to continue to obsess about this person's unprofessionalism, wasted time and money, hurt, etc but this just detracts from my focus on my marriage and the Lord's desire to bring us healing.
This is what's speaking to my heart today.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Through the darkness
Written February 2013
I prayed fervently on the drive to work this morning. I asked God to give me His strength. I told Him that I feel the aching reality of my humanity- of my limits. I am in the trenches and He seems to have withdrawn His consolation. The devil however, has reared his ugly head quite a bit lately.
I received some particularly challenging news about my health this Tuesday. I've been having quite a bit of pain along with other weird symptoms. An ultrasound confirmed that I had 2 complex ovarian cysts and my ovary was enlarged to almost 3 times what it should be. I have a significant family history of ovarian cancer and the doctor was quick to inform me they would normally be quite concerned about cancer with something like this, but because I just had surgery it just can't be (apparently it doesn't grow that fast). He did say that we need to repeat an ultrasound in 3 weeks and if things aren't looking better surgery will likely be necessary. This would mean my 4th surgery within a year's time. I can honestly say that another surgery doesn't scare me all that much. It would likely be a quick procedure and pale in comparison to the long long surgery I had in December. What does scare me is that we will be in this state of limbo forever. I had a knee-jerk reaction when he mentioned surgery. I told him to just "take everything" so we can be done with this and my husband will come to terms with the fact that we'll never have biological kids and we can finally move forward with adoption!
Of course I didn't completely mean what I said. If there is no medical reason necessitating the removal of "everything" then I would, of course, never pursue such a drastic procedure. The part I did mean was the part about adoption. I am so ready to adopt. I feel like I have been ready to adopt my whole life. Ever since I learned there were children without loving homes- and before I understood where babies came from- I reasoned that people shouldn't have anymore babies if there were babies without homes. I promise I was not a mini secular humanist, it was just my childlike mind trying to address the reality of suffering children. My husband is not opposed to adoption but is not ready to consider it at this time. I have to respect where he is at. I cannot pressure him to move forward with a life-changing decision he is not open to making. God has put adoption on my heart and I have to trust that he will open my husband's heart to this miracle if it is His will for our family. It would however be "easier" if I could move the process along by "forcing" my husband to come to terms with our infertility- say through the dramatic loss of my reproductive system. There is just something so painful about ambiguity. I grieve and then hope. Grieve and then hope. Grieve and hope. There never seems to be a moving forward- a moving beyond.
And so this news from the doctor left me feeling pretty raw. I was sad, discouraged and confused. The rest of the day, for whatever reason, the raw hideousness and heart-wrenching evil of abortion was made clear to me multiple times throughout the day through various random and seemingly unrelated events. It truly felt as though Satan was taunting me. The cruel irony of having my infertility weighing so heavy on me while also being bombarded by the cruel reality of "unwanted" babies being slaughtered. I had already been feeling ill-equipped to serve the clients at my work since returning after my 6 week recovery. I had been feeling brain-dead and incoherent. Now I was feeling like God was allowing me to see in a profound way the dark reality of abortion. He was allowing me to feel the weight of my cross, that of struggling with infertility and being surrounded by women who are pregnant with babies they don't want.
I prayed fervently on the drive home from work today. I told Him how tired I am. I told Him how scared I am. I told Him I just don't know if I can do it anymore.
In many of the trials of life we are told by well-meaning people to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Infertility doesn't seem to be a situation where that kind of advice is helpful. There is no "getting through" this because there may never be an "end" to this trial. We may never become pregnant. We may never know that we will never become pregnant. We may never adopt. We may never know that we will never adopt. There is no amount of work we can do that can bring this dream to fruition and there is little reason to expect the ambiguity we wade through at this time will be miraculously parted like the Red Sea. I just don't know but perhaps that's what God is asking of me now. To sit in the uncertainty, like He did in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying, "Father, if it be your will, let this cup pass from me." Even though Christ knew he was called to suffer for humanity, He experienced ambiguity in the garden. He had to sit in the uncertainty of God's will, while his closest friends simply fell asleep. I have to believe that this unknowing- this being stuck in the land of uncertainty is part of a call to union with Christ. There's something a little bit easier about knowing what pain is coming your way- it's the anxiety associated with the unknown that I find the most debilitating. If Christ was called to suffer this anxiety, than why not me?
I received some particularly challenging news about my health this Tuesday. I've been having quite a bit of pain along with other weird symptoms. An ultrasound confirmed that I had 2 complex ovarian cysts and my ovary was enlarged to almost 3 times what it should be. I have a significant family history of ovarian cancer and the doctor was quick to inform me they would normally be quite concerned about cancer with something like this, but because I just had surgery it just can't be (apparently it doesn't grow that fast). He did say that we need to repeat an ultrasound in 3 weeks and if things aren't looking better surgery will likely be necessary. This would mean my 4th surgery within a year's time. I can honestly say that another surgery doesn't scare me all that much. It would likely be a quick procedure and pale in comparison to the long long surgery I had in December. What does scare me is that we will be in this state of limbo forever. I had a knee-jerk reaction when he mentioned surgery. I told him to just "take everything" so we can be done with this and my husband will come to terms with the fact that we'll never have biological kids and we can finally move forward with adoption!
Of course I didn't completely mean what I said. If there is no medical reason necessitating the removal of "everything" then I would, of course, never pursue such a drastic procedure. The part I did mean was the part about adoption. I am so ready to adopt. I feel like I have been ready to adopt my whole life. Ever since I learned there were children without loving homes- and before I understood where babies came from- I reasoned that people shouldn't have anymore babies if there were babies without homes. I promise I was not a mini secular humanist, it was just my childlike mind trying to address the reality of suffering children. My husband is not opposed to adoption but is not ready to consider it at this time. I have to respect where he is at. I cannot pressure him to move forward with a life-changing decision he is not open to making. God has put adoption on my heart and I have to trust that he will open my husband's heart to this miracle if it is His will for our family. It would however be "easier" if I could move the process along by "forcing" my husband to come to terms with our infertility- say through the dramatic loss of my reproductive system. There is just something so painful about ambiguity. I grieve and then hope. Grieve and then hope. Grieve and hope. There never seems to be a moving forward- a moving beyond.
And so this news from the doctor left me feeling pretty raw. I was sad, discouraged and confused. The rest of the day, for whatever reason, the raw hideousness and heart-wrenching evil of abortion was made clear to me multiple times throughout the day through various random and seemingly unrelated events. It truly felt as though Satan was taunting me. The cruel irony of having my infertility weighing so heavy on me while also being bombarded by the cruel reality of "unwanted" babies being slaughtered. I had already been feeling ill-equipped to serve the clients at my work since returning after my 6 week recovery. I had been feeling brain-dead and incoherent. Now I was feeling like God was allowing me to see in a profound way the dark reality of abortion. He was allowing me to feel the weight of my cross, that of struggling with infertility and being surrounded by women who are pregnant with babies they don't want.
I prayed fervently on the drive home from work today. I told Him how tired I am. I told Him how scared I am. I told Him I just don't know if I can do it anymore.
In many of the trials of life we are told by well-meaning people to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Infertility doesn't seem to be a situation where that kind of advice is helpful. There is no "getting through" this because there may never be an "end" to this trial. We may never become pregnant. We may never know that we will never become pregnant. We may never adopt. We may never know that we will never adopt. There is no amount of work we can do that can bring this dream to fruition and there is little reason to expect the ambiguity we wade through at this time will be miraculously parted like the Red Sea. I just don't know but perhaps that's what God is asking of me now. To sit in the uncertainty, like He did in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying, "Father, if it be your will, let this cup pass from me." Even though Christ knew he was called to suffer for humanity, He experienced ambiguity in the garden. He had to sit in the uncertainty of God's will, while his closest friends simply fell asleep. I have to believe that this unknowing- this being stuck in the land of uncertainty is part of a call to union with Christ. There's something a little bit easier about knowing what pain is coming your way- it's the anxiety associated with the unknown that I find the most debilitating. If Christ was called to suffer this anxiety, than why not me?
Even the greatest works of art can look like a hot mess from the wrong angle
Today is our 3rd Anniversary. We are dealing with several very difficult issues- the evil one attacking our marriage in many ways- beyond infertility. I have been doubting, doubting, doubting God's plan for my life. Today, I spoke with a nurse practitioner at PPVI and learned that I had not one but 2 LUFs this cycle. This makes for at least 6 cycles of LUFs out of my 8 months post-surgery. The NP made it quite clear to me that this situation is quite "rare" even in the IF world and that the only treatments left to try cost thousands a month. I just wanted to share that I cried hysterically following my phone call with the NP but surprisingly even upon reflection, I don't think I cried out of sadness. Of course, there was some grief behind my tears, but more than anything, I think I cried from a place of awe, wonder and humility.
I've alluded to this before, but at the beginning of our IF journey God made it very clear to me we would be parents, first, through adoption. At this time our Reproductive Endocrinologist was telling us, I was healthy and we would conceive naturally within a year. I had every "rational" reason to be hopeful that we would soon be biological parents.
I told my spiritual director that I felt like I was getting so many signs from God about adoption, but I worried I was reading too much into things. He reminded me that God is always speaking to us but often our hearts are too hard to hear what he is saying. He encouraged me to be sensitive to the signs I was perceiving. Immediately following our meeting, I heard one of my favorite programs on our local Catholic radio station. Perhaps some of you have heard 'Glen's Story Corner' on Relevant Radio. I seldom get to hear it live because I'm usually at work when it airs. But this day was different. As I heard the usual intro tune, I quickly thanked God for the gift of hearing this delightful program that morning and said aloud, "this is my sign, if this is about parenting, infertility, anything... this is my sign... just let me know what our next steps are God." (Glen's story corner is a 2-3 minute program that tells parables that can be about literally anything). The story that day was about a little boy in an orphanage. I began to sob. God was telling me adoption was our next step, but it made no rational sense at the time.
Tonight I weep, because I am in awe of the perfect and beautiful "sense" God always makes. Today I got to experience the sensation of catching just a tiny glimpse of God's plan. Two years ago everyone thought I was crazy when I said adoption was the route for us. I see now with new clarity just why this is His plan for us and fall to my knees in wonder that He has revealed just a hint of the gorgeous masterpiece that is His plan for our lives. Thank you Jesus, for reminding me, again, that your plans are better than my dreams.
I've alluded to this before, but at the beginning of our IF journey God made it very clear to me we would be parents, first, through adoption. At this time our Reproductive Endocrinologist was telling us, I was healthy and we would conceive naturally within a year. I had every "rational" reason to be hopeful that we would soon be biological parents.
I told my spiritual director that I felt like I was getting so many signs from God about adoption, but I worried I was reading too much into things. He reminded me that God is always speaking to us but often our hearts are too hard to hear what he is saying. He encouraged me to be sensitive to the signs I was perceiving. Immediately following our meeting, I heard one of my favorite programs on our local Catholic radio station. Perhaps some of you have heard 'Glen's Story Corner' on Relevant Radio. I seldom get to hear it live because I'm usually at work when it airs. But this day was different. As I heard the usual intro tune, I quickly thanked God for the gift of hearing this delightful program that morning and said aloud, "this is my sign, if this is about parenting, infertility, anything... this is my sign... just let me know what our next steps are God." (Glen's story corner is a 2-3 minute program that tells parables that can be about literally anything). The story that day was about a little boy in an orphanage. I began to sob. God was telling me adoption was our next step, but it made no rational sense at the time.
Tonight I weep, because I am in awe of the perfect and beautiful "sense" God always makes. Today I got to experience the sensation of catching just a tiny glimpse of God's plan. Two years ago everyone thought I was crazy when I said adoption was the route for us. I see now with new clarity just why this is His plan for us and fall to my knees in wonder that He has revealed just a hint of the gorgeous masterpiece that is His plan for our lives. Thank you Jesus, for reminding me, again, that your plans are better than my dreams.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Unanswered prayers
I can't type those words 'unanswered prayers' without immediately hearing the country tune "...some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." How true those words ring as I reflect upon my short time spent on this earth. In high school despite being a relatively "normal" girl, I never had a boyfriend (until the last 3 months of senior year but that's for another post). All my friends were dating and many in "serious" relationships. I felt lonely, hopeless, unattractive- defective. How I prayed that God would just send me a boyfriend-someone to love me and care about me. Despite my pleading, Prince Charming never showed during those 4 long years of high school.
I chose a University based on little more than intuition and a "good feeling." I was determined to surrender my obsessive focus on finding a man and focus on what our culture likes to call finding yourself. During this time of "not caring about boys" I met my husband. He pursued me. He respected me. He loved me. He. agreed. to. wait. for. marriage. You see, at this point I was not practicing my faith and yet I passionately clung to the Catholic Church's teaching that sex was for marriage. Looking back, I am so profoundly grateful that God didn't send me my much-longed-for-boyfriend back in high school. I know I would have succumb to the pressure to "just do it" at that point in my life, if it was in the context of what my teenage mind viewed as a "serious relationship." Instead, God held out for a gift far greater than what I had in mind. He gave me a husband not a boyfriend. He gave me not just someone to love me but someone that would love me unconditionally.
More recently, I faced the challenge of finding employment in my field. I work in a very liberal profession yet I have many orthodox convictions. I was always somewhat of a fish out of water in my college and grad-school courses, but I "just knew" I wanted to pursue this profession. After graduation it seemed there were no jobs in sight. The jobs whose qualifications I did meet usually reported hiring someone that far exceeded their minimum qualifications. There were just too many qualified professionals looking for work. But just like in high school it seemed -in my mind- that I was the only one who wasn't getting hired (from my grad school cohort). I decided to take a job outside of my field while I waited for the right career opportunity to present itself. I went on several traumatizing interviews. I would get so nervous before an interview I wouldn't sleep for days. I'd obsessively research the organization and even more obsessively re-read entire chapters of text books pertaining to the potential job. I even tried using anti-anxiety meds to calm down the day of an interview. None of this got me. any. where. During this time in my life, I went through a gradual return to my faith. I prayed novenas that I would get this job or that job. Until one day the.perfect.job. seemed to fall out of the sky and into my lap. The organization didn't even know their ad for an opening was still being run. They had already finished interviewing. They. still. wanted. to. meet. me. I opted to ditch the anti-anxiety meds and instead prayed to the Holy Spirit for peace and guidance. And then by an act of divine providence, I got the job! This was a job that would allow me to use my degree from my liberal field and still fulfill a mission that is at the core of my traditional values. This was in every sense of the word- my dream job- although I never knew a job this perfect existed! And I never would have gotten it if I was otherwise occupied in one of the many other jobs I had so fervently prayed to get.
And now as I stare the 18th month of infertility in the face, I am tempted to think again, "but I'm the only one." Yes, it seems that babies are everywhere and that everyone (including long-term pill users) are showing up pregnant. I am tempted to think how much better my life would be if I just had my way. I am tempted to justify to God the desires of my heart. But I know now- more than ever- that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I know His plan for my life is beautiful and will bring forth many fruits if I cooperate with Him. I think about Our Blessed Mother. What if she had told God no? Nevermind the threat of death she faced by becoming pregnant out of wedlock, what if she had said, "but God... I am supposed to marry this great guy- Joseph- and we hope to have many children together and...I really will be a good mother I want to have lots of kids not just one." We know that Mary was born without original sin. Her love of God and her desire to do His will was perfect. We- carrying the stain of original sin- struggle to imitate Our Mother who so perfectly embraced the Father's plan. As I struggle, it comforts me to know that God desires to bring about the conversion of many souls through my life- as he desires for the lives of all His children. It comforts me to know that God has an important and divine plan for my life. It shakes me to the core to realize that Our Mother said, "yes" and so allowed the world to receive our King. How am I saying "no" to God by telling him directly or indirectly that my plans are better. I know now, thanks to unanswered prayers, that His plans are better than my dreams. Jesus I trust in you.
I chose a University based on little more than intuition and a "good feeling." I was determined to surrender my obsessive focus on finding a man and focus on what our culture likes to call finding yourself. During this time of "not caring about boys" I met my husband. He pursued me. He respected me. He loved me. He. agreed. to. wait. for. marriage. You see, at this point I was not practicing my faith and yet I passionately clung to the Catholic Church's teaching that sex was for marriage. Looking back, I am so profoundly grateful that God didn't send me my much-longed-for-boyfriend back in high school. I know I would have succumb to the pressure to "just do it" at that point in my life, if it was in the context of what my teenage mind viewed as a "serious relationship." Instead, God held out for a gift far greater than what I had in mind. He gave me a husband not a boyfriend. He gave me not just someone to love me but someone that would love me unconditionally.
More recently, I faced the challenge of finding employment in my field. I work in a very liberal profession yet I have many orthodox convictions. I was always somewhat of a fish out of water in my college and grad-school courses, but I "just knew" I wanted to pursue this profession. After graduation it seemed there were no jobs in sight. The jobs whose qualifications I did meet usually reported hiring someone that far exceeded their minimum qualifications. There were just too many qualified professionals looking for work. But just like in high school it seemed -in my mind- that I was the only one who wasn't getting hired (from my grad school cohort). I decided to take a job outside of my field while I waited for the right career opportunity to present itself. I went on several traumatizing interviews. I would get so nervous before an interview I wouldn't sleep for days. I'd obsessively research the organization and even more obsessively re-read entire chapters of text books pertaining to the potential job. I even tried using anti-anxiety meds to calm down the day of an interview. None of this got me. any. where. During this time in my life, I went through a gradual return to my faith. I prayed novenas that I would get this job or that job. Until one day the.perfect.job. seemed to fall out of the sky and into my lap. The organization didn't even know their ad for an opening was still being run. They had already finished interviewing. They. still. wanted. to. meet. me. I opted to ditch the anti-anxiety meds and instead prayed to the Holy Spirit for peace and guidance. And then by an act of divine providence, I got the job! This was a job that would allow me to use my degree from my liberal field and still fulfill a mission that is at the core of my traditional values. This was in every sense of the word- my dream job- although I never knew a job this perfect existed! And I never would have gotten it if I was otherwise occupied in one of the many other jobs I had so fervently prayed to get.
And now as I stare the 18th month of infertility in the face, I am tempted to think again, "but I'm the only one." Yes, it seems that babies are everywhere and that everyone (including long-term pill users) are showing up pregnant. I am tempted to think how much better my life would be if I just had my way. I am tempted to justify to God the desires of my heart. But I know now- more than ever- that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I know His plan for my life is beautiful and will bring forth many fruits if I cooperate with Him. I think about Our Blessed Mother. What if she had told God no? Nevermind the threat of death she faced by becoming pregnant out of wedlock, what if she had said, "but God... I am supposed to marry this great guy- Joseph- and we hope to have many children together and...I really will be a good mother I want to have lots of kids not just one." We know that Mary was born without original sin. Her love of God and her desire to do His will was perfect. We- carrying the stain of original sin- struggle to imitate Our Mother who so perfectly embraced the Father's plan. As I struggle, it comforts me to know that God desires to bring about the conversion of many souls through my life- as he desires for the lives of all His children. It comforts me to know that God has an important and divine plan for my life. It shakes me to the core to realize that Our Mother said, "yes" and so allowed the world to receive our King. How am I saying "no" to God by telling him directly or indirectly that my plans are better. I know now, thanks to unanswered prayers, that His plans are better than my dreams. Jesus I trust in you.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Fighting the battle from the city
The world tells us to do what makes us happy. Hate the way you look? Get plastic surgery. Marriage not meeting your expectations? Get a divorce. Don't like the way someone's treating you? Tell them off- Real Housewive's style. The idea of sacrifice is lost on our modern 'enlightened' society. Life's all about doing what makes us happy after all. And so we pursue happiness. We work longer hours to make enough money for the bigger house and the nicer car. We put-off marriage until we've lived our 20's to the fullest- taking advantage of our 'freedom' by staying out every weekend until 2am and dating (and sleeping) around. When we do decide to settle down, we delay child-bearing until we have achieved the success we yearn for in our careers. When something doesn't go our way- when we're laid off from the company we've given the last 5 years of our lives to or when our spouse fails to meet our expectations- we tend to view these things as assaults on our happiness. "I deserve to be happy," we tell ourselves.
And so for those of us struggling with infertility life can seem like an endless punishment. Babies -who don't call us mommy -appear to be EVERYWHERE. Our Facebook newsfeeds slap us in the face each morning when that slutty girl we knew in highschool announces her 3rd pregnancy or our husband's (un-wed) ex proudly displays her baby-bump. The temptation toward self-pity is very real. "Why me?" we think.
What if instead of asking "why me?" we asked, "why not me?" What if instead of focusing on being happy, we focused on being holy. I recently read that a Christian who isn't willing to suffer for virtue is like a soldier who desires a hero's welcome after remaining in the city while the army fights the battle in the country. Christians who desire to be patient, loving, humble and meek but who question "why me?" every time God allows some suffering into their life are like the soldier who wishes to fight the battle from the city. If we desire to be holy, we need to develop virtue. We develop virtue by embracing the suffering God permits in our life and allowing his grace to flow through us. We cannot grow in holiness or virtue by running from suffering. He who wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me (Matt 16:24-25).
And so, as I grieve for the 12th month, the dreams that were not realized, the child that is not in my arms, the barren womb that feels like a rock within me- a constant reminder of what may never be- I feel the warm embrace of an all loving, all merciful Father. I know the joy of embracing and accepting His will for me.
And so for those of us struggling with infertility life can seem like an endless punishment. Babies -who don't call us mommy -appear to be EVERYWHERE. Our Facebook newsfeeds slap us in the face each morning when that slutty girl we knew in highschool announces her 3rd pregnancy or our husband's (un-wed) ex proudly displays her baby-bump. The temptation toward self-pity is very real. "Why me?" we think.
What if instead of asking "why me?" we asked, "why not me?" What if instead of focusing on being happy, we focused on being holy. I recently read that a Christian who isn't willing to suffer for virtue is like a soldier who desires a hero's welcome after remaining in the city while the army fights the battle in the country. Christians who desire to be patient, loving, humble and meek but who question "why me?" every time God allows some suffering into their life are like the soldier who wishes to fight the battle from the city. If we desire to be holy, we need to develop virtue. We develop virtue by embracing the suffering God permits in our life and allowing his grace to flow through us. We cannot grow in holiness or virtue by running from suffering. He who wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me (Matt 16:24-25).
And so, as I grieve for the 12th month, the dreams that were not realized, the child that is not in my arms, the barren womb that feels like a rock within me- a constant reminder of what may never be- I feel the warm embrace of an all loving, all merciful Father. I know the joy of embracing and accepting His will for me.
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