Toddlers, parents, love and God

Disclaimer: this post may seem redundant on the heels of my last post about grief and Christmas stockings. I think my posts end up a little redundant because as God is guiding me toward a particular understanding, I experience it in new ways each day. I see the truth in new ways and new places and it's comforting to me to have a record of the journey. <3

A photo of my 18 month old niece has captured my attention and intrigue. In this photo, she has tears in her eyes and you can tell you she has just been sobbing, but has the cutest most joyful grin, and her face and eyes are all scrunched up- just screaming squeeze me! The photo brings up so many emotions in me. It brings up feelings of love and longing to be able to spend more time with my dear niece who lives far away and I rarely see. It brings up joy that she has so much spunk and personality. It brings feelings of peace and awe at the beauty of her relationship with her mom (my sister) who is such a loving and responsive parent. It captures a moment in time where my niece had just experienced powerful unpleasant emotions- sadness or frustration, perhaps. It tells a story for me: toddler was upset and mom stayed connected and attuned. Eventually, toddler was able to calm down using her mom's loving presence as a way to calm her body and quiet her mind. Because her mom stayed with her in her pain and didn't punish her or try to talk her out of it, or distract her from it- they were able to have the beautiful experience of smiling at one and other after having an emotionally taxing episode for both of them. 

This experience of connecting after a stressful moment/trial in a relationship is key to the health of our marriages, friendships, relationships with children and with God. 

I imagine God to be like the securely attached parent. They stay with their child when the child is overwhelmed by emotion. Sometimes they may offer a hug, a comfort object, or soothing words. The parent will likely be rejected by the upset toddler multiple times. The healthy parent doesn't see this as a rejection of themselves but sees it as a reflection of their child's profound pain and lack of skill in coping with powerful emotions (which is of course developmentally appropriate). The parent simply stays there with the crying child. The child can turn to the parent when they are ready, but the child knows the parent is always there- waiting. The child knows they don't need to earn the parent's love. They know that when they feel scared or overwhelmed by their big feelings their parent will be there with unconditional love. 

God is here for us through our big, scary, overwhelming feelings. He doesn't reject or shame us because we are angry, sad or lonely. Like a good parent, he has expectations and limits for us- pointing us toward more ordered lives, calling us not to act on every emotion and teaching us how to use both reason and emotion to live an ordered life.  He might offer us consolation- through his word, through the sacraments, through the thoughtful action of a friend or stranger. And like the crying toddler we may reject these offers- these expressions of love. In our own state of being flooded by unpleasant emotions, we can reject these most beautiful gifts. But He stays. And He continues to offer the gifts. 

As grownups, we have the capacity and responsibility to choose. Will we let Jesus love us? Or will we push away the gift? Letting others love us and embracing the healthy ebb and flow of all our relationships is key to peace and happiness. Chiara Corbella embodied this so beautifully. Her husband said this about his wife's approach to life after her passing, 

“how beautiful it is to let oneself be loved by God, because if you feel loved you can do anything,” and this is “the most important thing in life: to let yourself be loved in order to love and die happy.”

To let ourselves be loved by God, we have to allow him to stay with us in the ugly times, when we don't feel like connecting, when we feel incapable of connecting. Just invite him there. Tell him you trust him. He doesn't require you to feel loving all of the time. He doesn't even require you to feel trusting. Trust and love are decisions of the will. Even when a parent doesn't feel very loving toward their tantrumming toddler they make a decision to love that child in that moment.  Jesus is just asking you to let him stay. Let him stay with you in your pain and you can experience the beautiful joy of connection, consolation and peace after stress and uncertainty. Just like the mommy and her toddler, He smiles when he sees you smile. He gives you his peace. Tell him you choose him. You choose to suffer with him. Tell him not to leave you. He will stay.

Right now, I'm experiencing many big, scary, emotions- grief, loss, sadness, despair, fear. I think having the clarity around the adoption process has just brought on these difficult emotions. My unconscious mind (and the Holy Spirit) know, I need to process and feel these things before adopting. And so at just the right time, these emotions have come flooding out of me and I'm trying to turn toward Jesus: to place myself in his presence while I cry on the bathroom floor, to use His calm and soothing presence to relax my own body, to take a moment to breathe deeply and imagine his arm around me, to listen to His voice, "be still. I am with you." Even though, I've turned away from his gifts before, He is there, waiting and ready with a big smile when I've finally cried the last tear (of the hour/day/minute:-). I will let myself be loved and in doing so I will love better.