Sunday, March 23, 2014

Nearing the end?

DH and I have been discussing how to handle the situation with his family, namely the lack of connection and support I've felt the past 6 months. Of course I have the option to just change my expectations but I've come to rely on MIL for so many things. I value our relationship so much and I simply cannot resign myself to the fact that we're going to have a merely polite relationship.

I've compiled a list - a combination of various articles and blog posts- that touches on the key things I think would be helpful for DH and I. I'm terrified to pass it along because I don't want to be criticized for it. I'd be making myself very vulnerable by sharing it. And the scariest possible outcome is that it goes completely unacknowledged.

During our discussion on how this might be best handled DH said, "we're nearing the end of trying to conceive..." He's never said that before and now I feel a whole new wave of grief and hopelessness wash over me. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to think this journey really might end without a pregnancy and the birth of our baby.

I feel like a failure as wife. I feel forgotten by my loved ones. I feel a crushing, paralyzing sense of sorrow...


"Worn"
Tenth Avenue North 

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

11 comments:

  1. :( So sorry, it is so heartbreaking and difficult to make the decision to stop. I know for us it brought about peace after we had grieved and we weaned off of medically TTC and charting. Prayers and (((hugs))).

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    1. Thank you, Kat. It is nice to know you were able to find peace. That concept seems so far away right now.

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  2. I'm sorry for this hurtful situation you are in. I'm sorry for the absence of your husband's family support in carrying such a heavy cross. Lastly, I'm sorry that you are feeling like a failure with a paralyzing sense of sorrow.

    We all have unique situations as we travel down the road of IF so I can't say "I understand completely" but I can tell you I know that place of crushing sadness...of being overlooked...forgotten...left out....cast aside, etc. There aren't words that will fix it. The Resurrection is what you must, we all must, cling to. Jesus' resurrection (and ours through him) is the only happiness we can firmly cling to...since so many other people/emotions/expectations fail and leave bitter sadness.

    I pray for redemption, grace, and mercy to come down abundantly on this situation and possible tough decisions/convos in your near future.

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    1. Thank you, Amanda. It really does help to know you can relate to so many of these emotions, though I wish you couldn't. Thank you for the reminder to focus on the Resurrection. It's true relying on other people will always lead to disappointment in some way. Thank you for your prayers!

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  3. "I'd be making myself vulnerable by sharing it." I've created a similar list - for my own mother. I've never given it to her. Mostly, because of the fear of being criticized for it - of being vulnerable before her.

    Those moments where I've faced that this could all end with no pregnancy, no baby...they take my breath away. Literally. I try to remind myself that His plans are better than my dreams, but sometimes I'm just too human for my own good. When every dream you have about your future involves little ones, it is overwhelming to consider a different dream.

    I have no advice, only prayers and understanding arms sending you a great big virtual hug.

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    1. Yes, when every dream involves little ones...! It sounds like you can really relate to that fear of being torn down more by trying to work things out! Thanks for commiserating and for the hug:-).

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  4. I'm so sorry. That song is perfect. But I wish none of us ever had to know this much pain.

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  5. Oh, friend! I'm praying for you. The idea that this could be it is a tough one to face. The feeling of being forgotten is horrible.

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  6. When I first read your post, there were two things that I wanted to say... and I promptly forgot one of them; I've been trying and failing to remember what the first thing was. I am glad that your DH has opened up to you a little and started communicating where he sees you being on your journey, though it is rough that it is only as he is seeing the end. I am sorry that you are feeling like a failure; that is such a common feeling with IF and so hard to get over. I have spent a lot of time feeling like what God put me here to do was be an example to others of what not to do. : p I hope and pray that both of you are guided by the Holy Spirit in deciding when to stop TTC and what the future holds.

    With regards to your MIL, I was reminded of a concept from economics (I think from Frederic Bastiat, if I remember right) regarding that which is seen vs. unseen. The idea is some people (economists, in his case, family members in ours) see only that which is readily apparent, that which is on the surface, such as the grandchildren/family that they do have. It takes someone with deeper understanding (or perception, in this case) to see what isn't there, the unseen. Sometimes I think in trying to keep it together we do others a disservice, making it harder for them to see what is truly there (the hurt, pain, emptiness). I know that I frequently try to hide the pain and side effects from my in-laws, especially when we're hosting, which seems to make it easier for them to not see what is there but hidden. I hope that explanation made sense!

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