Monday, March 31, 2014

Today...

I'm loving everyone's 'Little Happies.' I'm feeling pretty down today so don't read any further if you're not up for a little melancholy.

I had my peak+4 ultrasound today. While I was in the waiting room, I let myself imagine the possibility that I ovulated and that I'd be returning in a month or so for an ultrasound of baby. I let myself imagine what it would feel like. Why the heck did I let myself go there? Well, I really thought I could have ovulated this month. My typical LUF pain didn't seem as bad as it normally does, but sure enough I had another LUF.

I let myself cry on the drive into work. I grieved the loss of another month gone by without the little one we long for. And now I just feel numb. I feel so cut off from the world. I feel so disinterested in everything. I don't like this.

This was my 3rd cycle using Neupogen and I'm hoping they'll adjust the treatment plan since I don't seem to be responding. Last month they though I "might" have ovulated but I'm thinking I didn't. Why would it work one month and not the next?

I called our adoption agency today to see where we are on the waiting list to do our home study. We our still 4th on the list. We were 4th on the list in November and they told us they thought it'd be 3 months but we haven't moved up at all!

They said they're seeing very few birth moms who don't already have an adoptive family identified. They're encouraging people to do an independent home study and identify their own birth mom. I do not feel up to this. I just can't imagine spending that much time thinking about it. I feel like I would lose my mind. I'm supposed to be talking to a social worker about it tomorrow to get a better idea about what it would involve. Anyone have any thoughts?

And then well, maybe it doesn't matter because the DH is still not going to mass. And I really don't want to move forward until he's got some faith. We're arguing because he says I 'pressure' him. I rarely bring it up but when we do talk about it I do emphasize that I believe faith is a choice. He says he's waiting until he "feels called," which infuriates me. He's cut himself off from the grace of the sacraments. He isn't going to feel called. Of course God can work miracles but he usually works within the natural order of things and he's made himself available to us. Ultimately, we have to choose him. Any feedback? Obviously, I'm praying for him and trying to be a good example and I swear I usually don't bring it up...


25 comments:

  1. Hmmm... we ended up going with an agency that didn't make us wait for the homestudy. Or to be in the books for that matter (there was one agency that only would show 20 families, so you had to wait to be on that list). Is there another agency you can look at in your area?

    So sorry to hear about DH... I will keep you both in my prayers!

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    1. I'm guessing the agency you're describing is the one we're working with- the 20 family policy is the same. It was something I really appreciate because it meant that there was an end in sight to the waiting that they didn't just keep accepting money from families when there were no babies. There are other agencies in our area but they all have their pros and cons... I felt so called to this agency for some reason. I guess I have a lot of praying to do! Thank you for your prayers!

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  2. First, I'm so sorry about the LUF. :( And about the false hope. Sometimes I let myself dream too and then I always kick myself when I do because it always just leaves me feeling worse. So I'm sorry. Hugs!

    As for the agency, I think I'd recommend either finding another agency for the whole process or find an agency that can do your home study now and then switch back to your current agency once it's done. But that might be taking the long way around. We did our home study with Catholic Charities and then switched to another agency (our current agency) for placement, since CC doesn't do adoption placements in Memphis. We ended up having to redo a little bit of the paperwork, but it actually worked out well. I agree, though, that independent adoption just seems too stressful and risky. So I'd recommend sticking with an agency. Do you have any smaller agencies near you? (If I remember correctly, you're working with a very large agency now, right?)

    I'm sorry to hear about DH. I don't have much advice. Have you asked for St. Monica's intersession? I know it's not great advice, but it's all I can think of right now, especially since it sounds like you're currently doing the best you possibly can in the situation. It must be so hard to not push him, because staying connected to God and attending Mass is so important! My heart goes out to you. Praying, friend!

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    1. Yes, our agency is really big. Interesting process you're describing- having one agency do the home study and then switching. The trouble is the home-study is only good for a year so even if we got another agency to do it and then moved to the agency we're on the waiting list with we might still not be put in the pool of prospective parents right away and our home study could expire before we're even shown to any birth moms! ahhhh. so confusing.

      Thanks for your thoughts and prayers about DH! Yes, St. Monica and I are good friends:-)

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  3. Sometimes you do have to let yourself be sad about things. No wonder! I don't know what to tell you, other than I will keep praying for you and your husband.

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  4. I'm sorry for a short reply, but I'm on my phone, so please forgive me! I wanted to recommend 'The Power of a Praying Wife' to you. It changed so much for how I approached The Man, especially as it relates to faith.
    Prayers for you! Stupid LIFE :(

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    1. *LUF not life. Stupid LUF (and autocorrect! )

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    2. haha "stupid life!" that might be applicable too:-). Yes, I'm reading that book per your recommendation earlier in the year... still so hard. I have a lot of anger around feeling like it will be entirely on my shoulders to pass on the faith if we ever have kids and all the research says kids go the way of their father in terms of faith... I guess I've got a lot of my own work to do in terms of acceptance...

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  5. So sorry about the LUF and it all :( I do recommend the same book Rebecca mentioned, it really helped me to pray in a more specific yet unbiased way for my DH. Sending prayers and (((hugs))).

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  6. So sorry about the LUF and your loss of dreams today...that's the best way I can describe how I'm feeling to others when they ask, "a loss of dreams," grief over the loss of something that was never even real. Hard to decide what's worse, dreaming and being disappointed when dreams don't materialize, or not dreaming at all! I will continue to pray for you and your hubs, that you lean on God during this difficult time. Even tougher when we feel a disconnect from hubs during all of this...I've certainly been there before, I'm sure most of us have. Just keep praying, sometimes that's all we can do. xo

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  7. Sorry for the LUF. I have not started my battle yet with them but about to. I will be praying for you.

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    1. Do you have LUFS too? Thank you for your prayers, Lora!

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  8. So sorry about the LUF. I know what you mean about feeling disinterested in everything; I got bad news of my own yesterday, so I'm in about the same place. I hope that they adjust your treatment plan, though I will say that it is possible for a medicine to work one month and not the next (it happened to me). Granted, it then didn't work 6 more times, but there may be cause for hope.

    As far as your DH, one thing to consider is what is likely to draw him closer to God. Some people are drawn by beauty, some by truth. (I don't remember where I heard that, but I think it gets to the point that different people are drawn to Him and the Church for different reasons.) Based on what you know about him, what would attract him? I started my journey to confirmation partly because a friend talked me into being in church choir at college, then reason sealed the deal. Is there something he is wrestling with that is keeping him away? Ideally, he would tell you, though that doesn't sound likely. It is so hard to know when and if to bring up tough topics. If he thinks you pressure him and bring it up too often, is he willing to spell out specifically what makes him feel that way? Would he be willing to tell you what he would consider encouraging or supporting rather than pressuring? (I know, I'm expecting a lot from a male. My husband wouldn't necessarily be able to answer those kind of questions, either.) Hopefully he is willing to listen and hear you say that you don't mean to pressure him. I'll be praying for you both!

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    1. Oh no, Stephanie! I'm so sorry about your bad news. Interesting what you've experienced with meds working some months and not others. Our bodies are so complex!

      Thank you so much for your very thoughtful response about DH. It's really hard to say if he responds more to truth or beauty. He is very generous and caring and just wants to see other people "happy." I think truth is hard for him when it involves pain. He certainly isn't interested in beauty in the way I think of it- music, art, etc. Is there something else beauty could mean in this sense?

      The questions you suggest are very thought provoking. I'm glad your DH wouldn't necessarily be able to answer those either:-) Mine is definitely a man of few words. I'll reflect on those more though and pray about the right time to inquire.

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  9. When they thought you "might" have ovulated, I'm betting you did. There's no mistaking a true LUF of 4.0cm+ with internal echoes and striations, but unfortunately, there's a LOT of mistaking healthy, normal corpus lutei for LUFs if they are seen so far after rupture.
    Can I kindly suggest you try to do a P+2 ultrasound next cycle? :) Pretty please? ;)

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    1. Oh interesting, Amy! Yes, I don't see why I couldn't do a peak+2 US. My charting is really wacked though. So I just guess my peak. Do you think I should count peak as the day of trigger? That's what I've been doing.

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    2. Also the "LUF" was only 3.0 cm. The nurse at PPVI told me it was "really big" though.

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  10. What a rough day!!! I can relate to your discouragement with adoption agencies, we sat on waiting lists for one year each with two different agencies to even start our home study...ahhhh!!! Then switched to a third to at least get approved and network ourselves, but that was a bust. We have a new plan for the summer, Christian adoption consultants...they have you apply to 6-7 agencies in the south with no waiting lists. Our friends had a great experience with them. I'll pray for you and dh, I have a similar struggle with my dh, but quite the same, but there's something that I always struggle to bring up or not. Prayers for hope.

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    1. Oh wow!!! You've been through the ringer!! I need to email or talk to you! This new agency sounds interesting.

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  11. I'm sorry, meant to say not quite the same, but similar.

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  12. I would be frustrated too if I hadn't moved up on the list at your adoption agency in that long. I hope your networking finds you a potential birthmom. I'm with you--I'm not sure I could handle finding someone on my own.

    I'm really sorry about your DH. I know you're in the field so maybe you avoid the "famous" Catholic psychologists ;) but I remember a bit from listening to Dr. Ray (and maybe Dr. Greg). They said if you want to attract your spouse to the faith, you have to live an attractive life--meaning, your spouse should be able to easily tell that the faith makes you an excellent wife and a better person. Without saying a word about faith topics, your actions toward your husband should speak loud and clear--you're pleasant to be around, you speak (only?) positive things to him/compliment him, you're attentive to his needs, you go out of your way to do things for him he likes, etc. Other that than, I like Stephanie's idea to try to figure out if he'd be drawn to truth or beauty. Would he be open to reading a book about the Catholic faith? (my husband is a huge reader, which is why I thought of it) You would know if this would be pushing too far, but maybe he'd rather have the conversation of "this is what I disagree/don't believe/struggle with" with someone who's not you? Do you have a priest friend or even a really solid Catholic guy friend who might meet with him? This is such a tough situation and a lot to deal with on top of IF. I'm praying for you!

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts, Polkadot. I've listened to some Dr. Ray talks. He has some great points (though I disagree with him about a few parenting issues). I completely agree that it's our job to attract our spouse to the faith. You do such a wonderful job summing it up. I have to admit, I'm failing miserably at this. I feel like IF has made me even more selfish and I was already pretty selfish. I have a long way to go on the path to holiness. I know I do better if I'm going to daily mass and twice monthly confession so you've confirmed for me that I need to get back to doing that. I stopped that routine this fall after my surgeries because I was physically so worn out and I just haven't gotten back in the habit. DH would never read a Catholic book, at least not at this point. He's really a numbers man and generally dislikes reading. Waiting Hopefully's DH is my big hope right now. We've connected IRL and they seem to get along well and he's a Godly man so I'm crossing my fingers that will rub off on my DH. My DH's friends are light years behind him in all things... it kills me. And he really thinks most Catholic men I've introduced him to are super boring.

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