Two week waits are not for the faint of heart! I am in awe of the strength and faith so many of you demonstrate each month during this terribly difficult time. As much as never ovulating was discouraging and depressing, the clarity and certainty of it all gave me time to grieve before the next cycle started. It didn't allow much room for hope.
I am beyond grateful to God for the gift of this hope and I'm acutely aware that this hope will likely not result in a baby.
This dichotomy present in the 2WW is a chance for me to grow in a new way. Romans 5:5 tells us "hope does not disappoint" but it doesn't tell us "because God will grant all of your wishes" rather it reads "because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us."
Merriam Webster lists the opposites of disappoint as content, gratify, and satisfy. If God has promised us that hope truly does not disappoint than there must be an avenue for me to feel content, gratified and satisfied without my child in my arms.
The other day I had coffee with S from waitinghopefully. We spoke about the sense that we both needed to shift our concepts of happiness and contentment. S acknowledged that if she can't be happy now-even without a baby- she doesn't think she'd be happy with a baby. There will always be something to worry about, something more to want, some unfulfilled dream. We talked about secondary infertility and how awful and isolating that path would be. Even if we each get a BFP, we would both want a sibling for our child, and we'd both agonize over whether we'd be able to see that dream come to fruition.
If we want to be content, we have to embrace the path to contentment in our current circumstances. These past 10 days, I have been trying to focus my prayer on asking our Lord to live in me, to dwell in me, to be born in me. For God did not promise I'd be content when I had a baby, he promised I'd be content because his love has been poured out into my heart.
I've been meditating on the song above, which (if I'm remembering correctly) Mrs. Fitz at Romans 12:12 originally posted about. I added some of my reflections in italics.
Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior
If God is pleased with me, why I am I so terrified
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven's eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on it's knees - My head certainly doesn't understand why the heck God wouldn't grant us a miracle when I've spent my whole life dreaming about being a mom and made all my life decisions based on that desire to be a mom.
Holy is He. Blessed am I.
Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I'll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me
All this time we've waited for the promise
All this time You've waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected - The Lord is present in this most painful and unexpected circumstance of infertility and he will be glorified in it.
So we might know that Love would go that far?
I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy - These are my favorite 3 lines. I will never be brave. The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy. How true those words ring. What do I have to offer God, but the hole in my heart Infertility has left.
I'm just a girl
But I am willing, I am Yours
During the offertory I like to say a silent prayer telling God what I offer him that day (something I learned from Scott Hahn's talk 'How to Get the Most out of the Mass'). Today, I gave Jesus my desire to be a mother- mentally surrendering it to him. This doesn't mean I won't need to surrender again and again but it's a small step toward inviting Jesus to fill the vacancy in my heart- and living with contentment amidst discontenting circumstances.