Maybe instead of working all day on my day-off I'll finally check out some adoption books at the library. I suppose I feel strangely avoidant of learning about the challenges of adoption. Maybe I'm not ready for more "challenge." For just a moment, I let myself think, "I just want to be normal. I just want to have a normal life. Why does everything involve so much effort?" And because I'm putting the mindfulness techniques I'm working on in therapy into practice, I won't dwell on the thought, but I notice it. I won't judge it. I won't beat myself for longing for something simpler.
Things in life have never come easy for me. And maybe that's okay. I think I like where I am right now. And if I have to fight tooth and nail to bring our child home and give him or her the life they deserve, I think I'm okay with that. I notice that longing for normalcy, but I watch it drift away. I want this life- normal or not.